Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Not A Good Day...So Far

I am having one of those days that I feel few people can understand except others with anxiety. I have just been having a rough time recently dealing with myself.

Sometimes I see my situation in life very clearly and I am just overwhelmed. The reality of not being able to hold down a job. The jobs that I can get are below me and I don't mean that in a mean way. I just mean I was not able to finish college. I think I have about a year of college maybe less. I have gone 3 times.

I know there is online schools but I don't know if I have the discipline to do that on my own. I also have a feeling that employers still look down some what at an online degree than someone who actually went to college. Anyway the thing is what I really wanted to be was a medical doctor. It is not like you can take that online. The blood phobia put a stop to that idea very quickly not to mention the anxiety in general.

My second choice was genetic engineer or virologist..I am pretty sure all would have to deal with blood. Anyway so I spend my days like I am actually in school. My boyfriend goes to work and I go right to youtube and to books. You would be surprised how many lectures are on youtube under any subject. My favorite being health if you have not figured that out about me yet. But I do like a well rounded education so I watch videos about all different things and read books on many topics. I might actually have more education than some people coming out of college. Minus my spelling and grammar.

Anyway today has been not so great because I was reminded by my brain that I will someday die. I think about how big the universe is and how small I actually am. I do realize that we will all die someday however that is not a comfort to me either. Sometimes I worry their is no point. I could be super rich and/or enjoy myself or poor or miserable. In the end does it matter? A 1000 years from now will anyone remember me anyway?

Many times people say "You are only here once make the best of it". And I try too..I am not walking around with my head down. I laugh. I am not stuck in the corner of a room hiding. In fact if you saw me on the street you would not even know how much I am suffering inside. I am sure that is true for many of you. The part about "your only here once.." I say thank God. If there is such a thing as reincarnation and I have a choice about returning to Earth..the choice will be not too. That being said I still don't want to die and will do everything in my power to stay here on Earth even if I am many times miserable inside.

Sometimes people try to comfort me with talking about an afterlife. To me it is a nice idea. It might be there. It might not be. Who can say for sure? I am hoping their is one though unless it is worse than here then I hope their isn't. Did you ever notice the afterlife is painted as a nice place? What if when we all died we had to do hard labor for all eternity and Earth was the easy place!! hehe

This is a very lonely illness. A lot of silent suffering. By far not the worst but not the easiest either. Sometimes in the middle of my worst panic attack I wish I could touch my doctor or therapist and transfer it to them just that one time. If they could just feel it and feel how I feel inside day in and day out all at once I think it would bring them to their knees. I imagine it would be very overwhelming for them as it was for all of us the first time. I wouldn't wish this on anyone not even someone I hate but I do which they could feel it sometimes. It might help them understand more. It might also make them see how strong we are. I might seem weak, I might cry or faint from blood but anyone who lives with this day in and out is strong.

You lose a lot with this illness. Friends, family and relationships. Not everyone leaves but even the ones who stay don't really understand. I would imagine from the outside we must seem selfish, manipulative, lazy, stubborn and a list of other negative traits.

Sometimes you get people in your life that may not even be someone you would want in your life if you were "well" but they hang around and you don't scare them off with your issues so you keep them anyway.

I am sure I have said this before but I can be in a room full of people and be completely alone. I am searching for something all the time in my head. I am not even completely sure what it is. Peace maybe. It could be why I educate myself so much. I am looking for an answer or some comfort.

I doubt my ability to get proper medical treatment. If I had cancer I don't know if I could go threw the treatments unless I was drugged out of my mind the whole time. I also doubt my ability to actually help someone who is injured. I have had a therapist in the past tell me that I would. However when I was living in FL. I was walking with my boyfriend to a gas station and this old man taking out the trash tripped and fell on the concrete. I saw him fall and kept walking because I was embarrassed for him and I was scared there would be blood an did not want to look. My boyfriend however went over and helped him up. Again to an outside viewer what an asshole I must have looked like. So I am not so sure if there was a bad car wreck how much help I would be. That example is why I still have doubts about me addressing any future medical problem.

1 comment:

Kevin said...

I feel your pain brother.