The therapist called back today and I see her on May 5th at 1:30pm. Tomorrow is the heart doctor and next friday is the gastro doctor. I feel like I have endless places to go and endless paper work to fill out for social services and doctors. Truth is I am so tired I just want to stay in bed. Sometimes I am so ill I don't want to live and I don't want to die..I just want to crawl in a ball on the floor and give up.
When I woke up today I felt so weak. I still have not been able to eat much today and I did not end up eating that much yesterday either. Soon after I woke up my whole body ached and I took tylenol which only helped some. I sat at the kitchen table where my cat was sitting and just cried till some of it passed and the tylenol took effect.
I hope I feel better tomorrow because I have to be at the heart docs by 1:50pm and I am not usually doing that well around that time.
I sometimes want to be put into a coma till they figure out what the hell is wrong with me.
I cut my own hair and I have not had the energy to do it in such a long time that I look a mess. My mom keeps saying "Why don't you cut your hair so you look better for the doctor." I don't want to look better for the doctor. I do not care what he thinks of my hair. I am freaking sick as hell and that is the last thing on my mind is my hair. I am so weak that I can't do much of anything. Just picking up a few clothes to put in the washing machine so I have something clean to wear tomorrow gave me head pressure and made my heart rate spike causing jelly legs.
My breathing has been off for a little while now and not sure if I am going to end up seeing a pulmonologist next. I would just go back to the same place that did my lung surgery.
Let's just hope the heart doctor has good news or some insight without having to put me through more tests esp. if it one I can't do because of my phobias.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Today is my birthday
Today is my birthday. I am now 33 years old.
I was hoping my xbf Keith would remember it. His was last week and I gave him a call and an email saying happy birthday. Today I got neither, so far anyway. My parents gave me a card.
I spent several hours today filling out all the SSI disability forms online. I hate filling those out. It took hours and at the end of it I ended up having a really bad weak spell from not eating as much today. I had to force myself to have a can of chicken rice soup and an apple juice after that.
Tomorrow when I have a moment when I feel better I will fill out the medicaid form.
My heart is still fast, but so far today it has not gone above 117 that I am aware of. I had a lot of shoulder pain, chest and back pain around 6pm so I had to take some tylenol and I cried for about a half an hour over several things which included the pain, my heart and Keith not remembering my birthday.
You would think I wouldn't care if Keith remembered because he left me a little over 5 months ago. I think it is because at one point he said he would take care of me the best he could and that he would be there for me. Now when I need him most he is gone and I am left at my parents because I am too sick to be at my apartment. Maybe someday I will meet someone else I click with. In my head I still feel like Keith is my boyfriend and in many ways I am waiting for him to come back even if I know that won't happen.
I have no idea what I will do with my apartment because if I get well I will still be there alone. Being alone all the time is not that healthy esp. for me who is house bound a lot. If something happened to me there there would be no one there to help or even coming home. Getting a roommate would be fine, it doesn't have to be a boyfriend, but I am hard to live with. I get bad insomnia and up all hours, I throw up at random and I am home all the time. Who wants to live with someone who is sick a lot? Anyway I don't really want to lose my apartment, but at least I have time to figure it out.
I would like to quit smoking completely, but last time I did that I ended back up in the ER so I am a little scared to try again, but I am thinking about it. It seems like a nice time to quit, lets ignore the fact I am having all these health issues, it just seems like a nice time to quit in general being that it is my birthday and I just turned 33. It would be an easy quit date to remember. I am not sure maybe I will try it and see what happens.
The heart doctors office called me today and wanted me to call them back. They did not say what it was about and had me concerned. I called back 3 times and finally got someone who would tell me why they called. My appointment Friday was for 1:40pm and they had to move it to 1:50pm and wanted to know if I could still make it. I was thinking are you kidding me? They were calling for a 10 min time change...and could I make it?? No I can't make it the 10 min change is just to much for me to handle lol. What the hell is wrong with people? So I just said yea that was fine.
Then I called my new primary care doctor because he wanted to see me around May 12th. They said he is booked and I can't see him till May 29th at 4:20pm. It is like OK fine I will just suffer till then or die which ever comes first.
I then called to make an appointment with the therapist in his office. I got her voice mail, left a message and she never called back.
So that was my birthday.
I was hoping my xbf Keith would remember it. His was last week and I gave him a call and an email saying happy birthday. Today I got neither, so far anyway. My parents gave me a card.
I spent several hours today filling out all the SSI disability forms online. I hate filling those out. It took hours and at the end of it I ended up having a really bad weak spell from not eating as much today. I had to force myself to have a can of chicken rice soup and an apple juice after that.
Tomorrow when I have a moment when I feel better I will fill out the medicaid form.
My heart is still fast, but so far today it has not gone above 117 that I am aware of. I had a lot of shoulder pain, chest and back pain around 6pm so I had to take some tylenol and I cried for about a half an hour over several things which included the pain, my heart and Keith not remembering my birthday.
You would think I wouldn't care if Keith remembered because he left me a little over 5 months ago. I think it is because at one point he said he would take care of me the best he could and that he would be there for me. Now when I need him most he is gone and I am left at my parents because I am too sick to be at my apartment. Maybe someday I will meet someone else I click with. In my head I still feel like Keith is my boyfriend and in many ways I am waiting for him to come back even if I know that won't happen.
I have no idea what I will do with my apartment because if I get well I will still be there alone. Being alone all the time is not that healthy esp. for me who is house bound a lot. If something happened to me there there would be no one there to help or even coming home. Getting a roommate would be fine, it doesn't have to be a boyfriend, but I am hard to live with. I get bad insomnia and up all hours, I throw up at random and I am home all the time. Who wants to live with someone who is sick a lot? Anyway I don't really want to lose my apartment, but at least I have time to figure it out.
I would like to quit smoking completely, but last time I did that I ended back up in the ER so I am a little scared to try again, but I am thinking about it. It seems like a nice time to quit, lets ignore the fact I am having all these health issues, it just seems like a nice time to quit in general being that it is my birthday and I just turned 33. It would be an easy quit date to remember. I am not sure maybe I will try it and see what happens.
The heart doctors office called me today and wanted me to call them back. They did not say what it was about and had me concerned. I called back 3 times and finally got someone who would tell me why they called. My appointment Friday was for 1:40pm and they had to move it to 1:50pm and wanted to know if I could still make it. I was thinking are you kidding me? They were calling for a 10 min time change...and could I make it?? No I can't make it the 10 min change is just to much for me to handle lol. What the hell is wrong with people? So I just said yea that was fine.
Then I called my new primary care doctor because he wanted to see me around May 12th. They said he is booked and I can't see him till May 29th at 4:20pm. It is like OK fine I will just suffer till then or die which ever comes first.
I then called to make an appointment with the therapist in his office. I got her voice mail, left a message and she never called back.
So that was my birthday.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
I went to the doctor yesterday
I went to the doctor yesterday. I have to say the building creeps me out. It is very old and since this doctors office helps people with next to no money it does not even look like a doctors office. Their is no carpet, no plants, it looks like an old school house or a convent where nuns use to live. The walls have old yellow paint that is chipped or worn and old wooden floors. The exam tables are the old 1970 wooden looking ones.
I was completely freaked out sitting there with my father while I waited. I met with the doctor and he talked and listened to me for an hour. He wrote down all my history and everything that has been happening recently to me. He has never heard of protracted benzo withdrawal, but he did not discount it either and took all the information I gave him and he says he is going to read all of it. I hope he does actually read it.
He took my blood pressure and heart rate while standing and while sitting and noted the drastic difference and that either way my heart is running high. He offered to put me back on xanax if I wanted to and I said no because I am pretty sure that is what has caused all this. He also is the first doctor to say he does not think my heart rate is caused by my anxiety problems because it is too fast, constant and changes to much when I stand up.
He has a therapist in his office that I can see if I want and I told him I would try talking to her because I am not coping well with everything that I am going through. So I will call soon for that, but I will make it known there will be no psych meds I am willing to take esp. right now when I have no clue what is wrong with me.
He said he is perplexed and he wants me to see him in a few weeks. At the end he asked me if I minded if he prayed for me and I said sure thinking he just meant "I will keep you in my prayers", but then he laid his hand on my shoulder and closed his eyes and started "Dear Lord, please keep Brian ...." and I thought ..oh that kind of praying for me. His cell phone rang during his prayer and my mind thought "I wonder if that's God calling." hehe.
So here is the thing. He is nice, he helps poor people around the world who are sick, he is a doctor who is not into money so that is good. I don't know how comfortable I am yet going there. Other than noting all my illnesses and my heart rate nothing was done. But then no one knows what the hell is wrong with me.
I see the heart doc this Friday.
Today my heart rate is not as bad as it was those other 2 days. It is still running high and I threw up today for the first time in about a week. I fought it hard too, but eventually the gagging had crap come up in my mouth so I had to do it.
I also had a very long dizzy spell today while in the hallway by my parents bathroom. I had to stop walking because it felt like I was in an elevator or a fast moving train. That was about 15 mins before I vomited. I don't know if I have a fever because I have not checked today...truth is I just don't want to know right now.
Timo my cat has completely adjusted to living here and gets along great with both the cats now. He sleeps next to them and plays with the kitten.
My mom is doing well still and though her pathology report is back, she doesn't want to know, so she is not calling. So she won't find out till May 11th when she sees her doctor again. I wish she would call so I would know if everything is ok or not. She doesn't want to know because she wants to pretend everything is ok and have worry free days till she sees her doctor again.
I was completely freaked out sitting there with my father while I waited. I met with the doctor and he talked and listened to me for an hour. He wrote down all my history and everything that has been happening recently to me. He has never heard of protracted benzo withdrawal, but he did not discount it either and took all the information I gave him and he says he is going to read all of it. I hope he does actually read it.
He took my blood pressure and heart rate while standing and while sitting and noted the drastic difference and that either way my heart is running high. He offered to put me back on xanax if I wanted to and I said no because I am pretty sure that is what has caused all this. He also is the first doctor to say he does not think my heart rate is caused by my anxiety problems because it is too fast, constant and changes to much when I stand up.
He has a therapist in his office that I can see if I want and I told him I would try talking to her because I am not coping well with everything that I am going through. So I will call soon for that, but I will make it known there will be no psych meds I am willing to take esp. right now when I have no clue what is wrong with me.
He said he is perplexed and he wants me to see him in a few weeks. At the end he asked me if I minded if he prayed for me and I said sure thinking he just meant "I will keep you in my prayers", but then he laid his hand on my shoulder and closed his eyes and started "Dear Lord, please keep Brian ...." and I thought ..oh that kind of praying for me. His cell phone rang during his prayer and my mind thought "I wonder if that's God calling." hehe.
So here is the thing. He is nice, he helps poor people around the world who are sick, he is a doctor who is not into money so that is good. I don't know how comfortable I am yet going there. Other than noting all my illnesses and my heart rate nothing was done. But then no one knows what the hell is wrong with me.
I see the heart doc this Friday.
Today my heart rate is not as bad as it was those other 2 days. It is still running high and I threw up today for the first time in about a week. I fought it hard too, but eventually the gagging had crap come up in my mouth so I had to do it.
I also had a very long dizzy spell today while in the hallway by my parents bathroom. I had to stop walking because it felt like I was in an elevator or a fast moving train. That was about 15 mins before I vomited. I don't know if I have a fever because I have not checked today...truth is I just don't want to know right now.
Timo my cat has completely adjusted to living here and gets along great with both the cats now. He sleeps next to them and plays with the kitten.
My mom is doing well still and though her pathology report is back, she doesn't want to know, so she is not calling. So she won't find out till May 11th when she sees her doctor again. I wish she would call so I would know if everything is ok or not. She doesn't want to know because she wants to pretend everything is ok and have worry free days till she sees her doctor again.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
My mom can come home tomorrow
The doctors said my mom can come home tomorrow. So in the morning my father will be going to pick her up. She said that they will discharge her around 8am or 9am in the morning. Tomorrow or the next day she should have her pathology report back so she will know if her cancer is gone or if it spread. Hopefully it is gone.
I see the new doctor around 5pm tomorrow night. I only hope that I feel better tomorrow than I do today so I can go more comfortably. Yesterday was not very good, but today is worse. I woke up very weak so I laid in bed for an hour before I actually had the energy to get up. When I did I was very pale for about and hour. My heart rate today has not gone below 111 and been as high as 142. My whole body aches and I had a bad headache in the back of my head most of the day that tylenol helped a little.
I have been able to eat next to nothing today so far, just some liquids and a can of chicken rice soup. I can feel my insides starving, but my stomach is off I am just not hungry at all. When I push solid food before my body is ready my heart goes even faster or I vomit which is why I just wait instead of force feeding myself.
I was doing better compared to before and now it is like I am going backwards. I was crying before today because my body was so uncomfortable that I just wanted to crawl out of my skin. I am trapped in this sick body. About the only things on me that doesn't ache today is my butt cheeks. The aching is not pain I don't even know how to describe it other than uncomfortable and wore out feeling.
I am tired of telling everyone how sick I am. I am tired of being sick. I am getting to a point fear or no fear that I would swallow any pill to make this stop. In my darker moments I would even take xanax again (which I still think caused all this) if it would only free me from all this suffering.
I flat out asked my father if he loved me today. He said yes. Then I asked him if he really wanted kids or if I was just a burden. He said he did want kids. Hopefully he means it and it was not just the proper response being given.
I asked him that because I was so sick and pale today and he saw I was having a hard time and he seemed to just ignore me or not offer any reassurance. He says things like "It's the warm weather (a/c has been running all day it was actually cold in here)", "maybe it is the gator aid you drank yesterday", "I don't know what the fuck is wrong with you." I don't know what else to say about that subject.
What is freaking me out is not only is my heart going fast today, but every so often I can feel it skipping. I also seem out of breath some today like I am not getting a full breath.
I have been following the swine flu outbreak (correction the swine from 3 different continents, bird and human hybrid flu [yea that was not manufactured]). It seems to be killing the age group 25-45 unlike normal flu which tends to kill the very young and very old. I have many thoughts on this new flu, but I am too tired to write them out right now. I only hope I don't get that crap. I am so weak as it is that would do me in even faster.
I see the new doctor around 5pm tomorrow night. I only hope that I feel better tomorrow than I do today so I can go more comfortably. Yesterday was not very good, but today is worse. I woke up very weak so I laid in bed for an hour before I actually had the energy to get up. When I did I was very pale for about and hour. My heart rate today has not gone below 111 and been as high as 142. My whole body aches and I had a bad headache in the back of my head most of the day that tylenol helped a little.
I have been able to eat next to nothing today so far, just some liquids and a can of chicken rice soup. I can feel my insides starving, but my stomach is off I am just not hungry at all. When I push solid food before my body is ready my heart goes even faster or I vomit which is why I just wait instead of force feeding myself.
I was doing better compared to before and now it is like I am going backwards. I was crying before today because my body was so uncomfortable that I just wanted to crawl out of my skin. I am trapped in this sick body. About the only things on me that doesn't ache today is my butt cheeks. The aching is not pain I don't even know how to describe it other than uncomfortable and wore out feeling.
I am tired of telling everyone how sick I am. I am tired of being sick. I am getting to a point fear or no fear that I would swallow any pill to make this stop. In my darker moments I would even take xanax again (which I still think caused all this) if it would only free me from all this suffering.
I flat out asked my father if he loved me today. He said yes. Then I asked him if he really wanted kids or if I was just a burden. He said he did want kids. Hopefully he means it and it was not just the proper response being given.
I asked him that because I was so sick and pale today and he saw I was having a hard time and he seemed to just ignore me or not offer any reassurance. He says things like "It's the warm weather (a/c has been running all day it was actually cold in here)", "maybe it is the gator aid you drank yesterday", "I don't know what the fuck is wrong with you." I don't know what else to say about that subject.
What is freaking me out is not only is my heart going fast today, but every so often I can feel it skipping. I also seem out of breath some today like I am not getting a full breath.
I have been following the swine flu outbreak (correction the swine from 3 different continents, bird and human hybrid flu [yea that was not manufactured]). It seems to be killing the age group 25-45 unlike normal flu which tends to kill the very young and very old. I have many thoughts on this new flu, but I am too tired to write them out right now. I only hope I don't get that crap. I am so weak as it is that would do me in even faster.
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