Grateful and Resentful

The funny thing about this blog is I know people read it, but recently I have just been writing in it to keep my sanity and to get out everything that is going on. When I feel well enough, I go down to my parents basement and write in here.

I am grateful for my parents helping me out and letting me stay here. Tonight Timo my cat will be coming over to stay here. I hope he and the other cats get along or at least after a few days hopefully they will. Timo has no front claws so that helps some.

What I am resentful for is I feel like my parents (like always) do not get the gravity of the situation with me. I have lost 17 lbs, I throw up, can hardly eat, have diarrhea, fast heart rate and more than normal skipping heart beats.

The doctor that my father emailed that use to know my grandfather had not responded yet. My father said "He is probably on vacation for Holy Week." I know damn well no doctor is on vacation right now for Holy Week. My father has always been like this. He just sits and waits and an answer never comes. Yet I am sitting here sick as hell trying to see someone and right now I am not able to take myself and have to rely on them.

I called my mother at work and she said "I told him to call the office, but he didn't" I said "Please make him call so I can get in. I know the doctor is not on vacation." She said "It's just how your father is." I said "Mom do you understand how sick I am?" Anyway it ended with her calling him and telling him to call the doctor. He did and big surprise the doctor is in and going to call him back.

Last night I was feeling weak and my father was on the floor sorting newspapers that he was going to be throwing out. I said to him "Dad I am so tired of feeling this sick." Expecting maybe for him to say "well we will figure it out." Something of that nature. He said nothing at all there was no response.

Last night went I went to bed about midnight I laid in bed and my heart started skipping beats. I had to cough to make them stop. Then I fell asleep. At 5am I woke up from pain from cramps and went to the bathroom and had diarrhea. I went back to bed and had more cramps, but fell back to sleep anyway. I woke up at 9:45am and by 10am I was throwing up in the toilet. I had ate nothing yet and it was yellow acid, white mucus mixed in with more brown stuff. Not a lot, but more than it has been.

I called my father to see at that point if the doctor had called or emailed him back yet. He said "no". I told him that I threw up brown stuff again and he said "well maybe it was something you ate." I told him "I didn't eat anything since 9:30pm last night" He said "oh I don't know what it is." that is when I said "it is most likely blood." and he said "oh." so I told him I was going to let him go and that is when I called my mom and she then had him call the doctor they knew instead of waiting on some email.

This doctor is older and I very much doubt he ever checks his email or at least not often.

I don't even know who this doctor is or what his name is or I would have just called myself.

This has been a theme in my life. I get sick, no one listens, I am told it is all in my head or just let it be and then I end up in the ER with major problems. Years ago when I first had panic attacks I was told I didn't that I just thought I did. When I was breathless I was told by my parents and doctors it was anxiety. In April of 2000 I told my mom on the phone that I thought I needed a chest x-ray because I felt like something was in my lung, I could feel a popping sometimes in my back and I was more breathless. She said "There is nothing in your lung, we are not going to spend all that money for an x-ray." June 2000 I was in bad pain in the ER and that is when they found I had congenital lobar emphysema. That August I had part of my right lung removed.

The thing is I had anxiety over my lung. I get very upset and nervous when I am sick. I have a lot of phobias that upset me very much and I will cry like a baby over them. However just because I am nervous and/or crying does not mean nothing is wrong. The lung thing showed up on the x-ray that was not in my head. The H. Pylori test came back positive recently and that is not in my head. The brown stuff coming up is also not in my head.

I know from experience many things are in my head. 18 years of dealing with anxiety issues I am fully aware I am a bit touched in the brain, but I also know my own body. I know when something is wrong. When you have anxiety they never bother checking, after all you are just some neurotic.

I never liked people seeing me cry, now I cry as often as Tammy Faye Baker did. I am so sick now I just cry whenever I feel like it. I cry in the ER, in the waiting rooms, walking to my fathers car a few times. I just don't care anymore who see's it. I refuse to act through this event. I have no energy to wear a mask for anyone. I cry, if people don't like it, don't look.