My mom can come home tomorrow

The doctors said my mom can come home tomorrow. So in the morning my father will be going to pick her up. She said that they will discharge her around 8am or 9am in the morning. Tomorrow or the next day she should have her pathology report back so she will know if her cancer is gone or if it spread. Hopefully it is gone.

I see the new doctor around 5pm tomorrow night. I only hope that I feel better tomorrow than I do today so I can go more comfortably. Yesterday was not very good, but today is worse. I woke up very weak so I laid in bed for an hour before I actually had the energy to get up. When I did I was very pale for about and hour. My heart rate today has not gone below 111 and been as high as 142. My whole body aches and I had a bad headache in the back of my head most of the day that tylenol helped a little.

I have been able to eat next to nothing today so far, just some liquids and a can of chicken rice soup. I can feel my insides starving, but my stomach is off I am just not hungry at all. When I push solid food before my body is ready my heart goes even faster or I vomit which is why I just wait instead of force feeding myself.

I was doing better compared to before and now it is like I am going backwards. I was crying before today because my body was so uncomfortable that I just wanted to crawl out of my skin. I am trapped in this sick body. About the only things on me that doesn't ache today is my butt cheeks. The aching is not pain I don't even know how to describe it other than uncomfortable and wore out feeling.

I am tired of telling everyone how sick I am. I am tired of being sick. I am getting to a point fear or no fear that I would swallow any pill to make this stop. In my darker moments I would even take xanax again (which I still think caused all this) if it would only free me from all this suffering.

I flat out asked my father if he loved me today. He said yes. Then I asked him if he really wanted kids or if I was just a burden. He said he did want kids. Hopefully he means it and it was not just the proper response being given.

I asked him that because I was so sick and pale today and he saw I was having a hard time and he seemed to just ignore me or not offer any reassurance. He says things like "It's the warm weather (a/c has been running all day it was actually cold in here)", "maybe it is the gator aid you drank yesterday", "I don't know what the fuck is wrong with you." I don't know what else to say about that subject.

What is freaking me out is not only is my heart going fast today, but every so often I can feel it skipping. I also seem out of breath some today like I am not getting a full breath.

I have been following the swine flu outbreak (correction the swine from 3 different continents, bird and human hybrid flu [yea that was not manufactured]). It seems to be killing the age group 25-45 unlike normal flu which tends to kill the very young and very old. I have many thoughts on this new flu, but I am too tired to write them out right now. I only hope I don't get that crap. I am so weak as it is that would do me in even faster.