I went to the doctor yesterday

I went to the doctor yesterday. I have to say the building creeps me out. It is very old and since this doctors office helps people with next to no money it does not even look like a doctors office. Their is no carpet, no plants, it looks like an old school house or a convent where nuns use to live. The walls have old yellow paint that is chipped or worn and old wooden floors. The exam tables are the old 1970 wooden looking ones.

I was completely freaked out sitting there with my father while I waited. I met with the doctor and he talked and listened to me for an hour. He wrote down all my history and everything that has been happening recently to me. He has never heard of protracted benzo withdrawal, but he did not discount it either and took all the information I gave him and he says he is going to read all of it. I hope he does actually read it.

He took my blood pressure and heart rate while standing and while sitting and noted the drastic difference and that either way my heart is running high. He offered to put me back on xanax if I wanted to and I said no because I am pretty sure that is what has caused all this. He also is the first doctor to say he does not think my heart rate is caused by my anxiety problems because it is too fast, constant and changes to much when I stand up.

He has a therapist in his office that I can see if I want and I told him I would try talking to her because I am not coping well with everything that I am going through. So I will call soon for that, but I will make it known there will be no psych meds I am willing to take esp. right now when I have no clue what is wrong with me.

He said he is perplexed and he wants me to see him in a few weeks. At the end he asked me if I minded if he prayed for me and I said sure thinking he just meant "I will keep you in my prayers", but then he laid his hand on my shoulder and closed his eyes and started "Dear Lord, please keep Brian ...." and I thought ..oh that kind of praying for me. His cell phone rang during his prayer and my mind thought "I wonder if that's God calling." hehe.

So here is the thing. He is nice, he helps poor people around the world who are sick, he is a doctor who is not into money so that is good. I don't know how comfortable I am yet going there. Other than noting all my illnesses and my heart rate nothing was done. But then no one knows what the hell is wrong with me.

I see the heart doc this Friday.

Today my heart rate is not as bad as it was those other 2 days. It is still running high and I threw up today for the first time in about a week. I fought it hard too, but eventually the gagging had crap come up in my mouth so I had to do it.

I also had a very long dizzy spell today while in the hallway by my parents bathroom. I had to stop walking because it felt like I was in an elevator or a fast moving train. That was about 15 mins before I vomited. I don't know if I have a fever because I have not checked today...truth is I just don't want to know right now.

Timo my cat has completely adjusted to living here and gets along great with both the cats now. He sleeps next to them and plays with the kitten.

My mom is doing well still and though her pathology report is back, she doesn't want to know, so she is not calling. So she won't find out till May 11th when she sees her doctor again. I wish she would call so I would know if everything is ok or not. She doesn't want to know because she wants to pretend everything is ok and have worry free days till she sees her doctor again.