Today is my birthday

Today is my birthday. I am now 33 years old.

I was hoping my xbf Keith would remember it. His was last week and I gave him a call and an email saying happy birthday. Today I got neither, so far anyway. My parents gave me a card.

I spent several hours today filling out all the SSI disability forms online. I hate filling those out. It took hours and at the end of it I ended up having a really bad weak spell from not eating as much today. I had to force myself to have a can of chicken rice soup and an apple juice after that.

Tomorrow when I have a moment when I feel better I will fill out the medicaid form.

My heart is still fast, but so far today it has not gone above 117 that I am aware of. I had a lot of shoulder pain, chest and back pain around 6pm so I had to take some tylenol and I cried for about a half an hour over several things which included the pain, my heart and Keith not remembering my birthday.

You would think I wouldn't care if Keith remembered because he left me a little over 5 months ago. I think it is because at one point he said he would take care of me the best he could and that he would be there for me. Now when I need him most he is gone and I am left at my parents because I am too sick to be at my apartment. Maybe someday I will meet someone else I click with. In my head I still feel like Keith is my boyfriend and in many ways I am waiting for him to come back even if I know that won't happen.

I have no idea what I will do with my apartment because if I get well I will still be there alone. Being alone all the time is not that healthy esp. for me who is house bound a lot. If something happened to me there there would be no one there to help or even coming home. Getting a roommate would be fine, it doesn't have to be a boyfriend, but I am hard to live with. I get bad insomnia and up all hours, I throw up at random and I am home all the time. Who wants to live with someone who is sick a lot? Anyway I don't really want to lose my apartment, but at least I have time to figure it out.

I would like to quit smoking completely, but last time I did that I ended back up in the ER so I am a little scared to try again, but I am thinking about it. It seems like a nice time to quit, lets ignore the fact I am having all these health issues, it just seems like a nice time to quit in general being that it is my birthday and I just turned 33. It would be an easy quit date to remember. I am not sure maybe I will try it and see what happens.

The heart doctors office called me today and wanted me to call them back. They did not say what it was about and had me concerned. I called back 3 times and finally got someone who would tell me why they called. My appointment Friday was for 1:40pm and they had to move it to 1:50pm and wanted to know if I could still make it. I was thinking are you kidding me? They were calling for a 10 min time change...and could I make it?? No I can't make it the 10 min change is just to much for me to handle lol. What the hell is wrong with people? So I just said yea that was fine.

Then I called my new primary care doctor because he wanted to see me around May 12th. They said he is booked and I can't see him till May 29th at 4:20pm. It is like OK fine I will just suffer till then or die which ever comes first.

I then called to make an appointment with the therapist in his office. I got her voice mail, left a message and she never called back.

So that was my birthday.