The list of shame

So I have been keeping track of my pulse on and off. It is still running high..about 96 at rest. This afternoon I was standing outside talking to my mom and I had pressure in my head so I thought maybe my blood pressure was high so I checked. My blood pressure wasn't high, but my heart rate was 140...just from standing. This is starting to really piss me off. I see my new primary care doctor again on the 29th and I am going to let him know it is still happening. It is annoying that I am always told now that it is anxiety...sorry folks I am not nervous 24/7...and what about the days I had where it was normalish...what suddenly I was not nervous those days??

Regardless I walked on the treadmill again today. I am up to 10 minutes. I can not tell if I am out of breath or not..that is the problem with me I have a hard time telling stuff. I am asked "Are you out of breath?" and I say "No" or "I don't know." I mean after I went for years on one lung before I had surgery I did not feel breathless till the end stage of it and even then I wouldn't say I was so out of breath that I couldn't live. Sometimes I worry I have emphysema..the starting of it anyway. I am also asked if my stomach hurts or if I am nauseous, but I am not sure. I mean lets face it I have lived in a state of discomfort for so long I have no idea how I am suppose to feel. I mean sometimes I can feel a discomfort in my chest, maybe it is a mild burning, I am not sure..could be my bronchial tubes irritated from smoking...I have no clue.

So back in 1994 I was told I had ulcerative colitis and put on pills for a year. That was it no follow up, nothing else was ever said. So I assumed I just had to wait and see if it returned. For years on and off I get bad cramps on my left side. So bad I get close to fainting. Same doctor just started telling me it was IBS. So I just ignored it. Now I find out that ulcerative colitis usually causes pain on the left side and maybe that is what is hurting me. Then I find out that because I have ulcerative colitis I am supposed to have a colonscope every 2 years, because it can cause cancer and even if they find precancerous cells they remove the whole colon....well isn't that nice.

As if I don't have already have enough medical issues. Not to mention very bad phobias of medical procedures and my complete lack of trust and faith in the medical community right now.

So here is the run down of my issues both current and past:

1) High risk for colon cancer because not only do I have ulcerative colitis, but my mother has colon cancer and I am a smoker, and another issue which I will leave out for now.

2) H. Pylori infection

3) Congenital lobar emphysema

4) Kidney Reflux

5) Some unknown food intolerances that I can not find that make my heart pound and feel breathless for 2 hours after I eat some foods which include (skittles, starbursts, boost, ensure, many tv dinners, some fast foods.) It is actually a long list and when I compare ingredients there is not always a match..some how I think whatever it is is hidding in the terms "natural and artificial flavors".

6) Irritable bowel syndrome? (question mark because maybe it is the ulcerative colitis)

7) Vomiting easy

8) Sinus tachycardia

9) Panic Attacks, Anxiety, Agoraphobia and other phobias (after the list I just gave who the hell wouldn't have become a nervous wreck)

10) Pain in my right lung when I inhale since I have had surgery back in 2001

11) Sensitive to medication

All I know is for most of this I am completely on my own and I am going to have to decide what to do. In some areas I am going to have to eventually push doctors to listen up and stop saying everything is anxiety and in many of the other areas I am going to have to take control on my life and start trying to figure out how to fix myself. How I don't even know, but so far I still have my brain working so I am going to have to use it. I am also fully aware that I am going to just have to stop smoking..it just is not helping at all. Not to mention I have to many cancer risk factors now.