3am

I woke up at 3am and I am having anxiety about seeing the heart doctor today. I was laying in bed and when I inhale my right lung and chest tingles and hurts when I take a full breath. This has been happening on and off since I had lung surgery back in 2000. I know some of it has to do with my smoking, but I am unable to quit. I layed in bed and cried for about 10 mins over things which include me missing Keith, my fucked up body and messed up mind, my mom being sick and me being alone and over just tired of being sick and tired.

I went out back to my parents back porch and had 4 cigsarettes. I was crying during all of them. After the second cigarette I threw up on my parents back lawn. It was just liquid so no one will see it. Then I just kept wiping my nose with a tissue.

I could hear Timo my cat in the basement meowing to come out because he thinks people are awake now and he is ready to eat. He will be coming out when my parents wake up in and hour.

Yesterday I had cramps around 4pm and it hurt so bad I almost fainted while on the toliet. After I was very pale and weak for several hours. This has happened on and off for years as well. I was told by a doctor back in 1994 that I have ulcertive coltis and IBS.

I have so much wrong with me I don't know where to turn sometimes.

It is 4am now and I am going to try to sleep a few more hours if I can. I feel overwhelmed with how sick I always feel.