Back To The Doctor

I went to the doctor today for my follow up appointment. I printed out a short list so I wouldn't forget to tell him anything. Below is the list:

"Every few weeks I wake up out of my sleep with my chest tingling and feeling like I am not getting any air. I usually fall back to sleep and it wakes me up a few more times. (been going on for over a year and use to do this before I had lung surgery, but had stopped)

When I wake up in the morning I feel sick to my stomach for hours before it settles down. (been going on for many years)

I feel drained of most my energy only now it is worse. (Been going on for years)

My heart still beats fast, but only during the day at night it seems to be mostly normal.

Cigarettes are making me sick now esp. when I first wake up. I feel anxiety, my heart rate increases a lot, I get shaky and I have a very general unwell feeling...later at night the cigarettes don't do this. (Been going on since I stopped xanax)

I am still not eating well, though it is better than the last time I saw you."

He had nothing to say about any of it really. When I asked what to do about the breathing spells in my sleep he said to put a board under my bed to raise it a little.

When I inhale sometimes I have congestion in my lung and I still am running low fevers of 99 to 99.5 so I did ask for an antibiotic..which are usually handed out like candy, but not today. He doesn't think I need one. Maybe I don't, but I feel so awful I am guessing at this point.

That was all. He said I could see him in a month and he prayed over me. (Him and my therapist are in the same building.)

My mother got her port put in this morning at the hospital because she is starting chemo next Friday. She is sore from that and drugged up on pain meds today. She was also a little groggy when she got home since they had to sedate her to put the port in. Tomorrow is her last day of Valtrex, her shingles are healing well so far.

The other night my father was in the basement on his computer and I went down to try to talk to him or maybe get some advice on what he would do in my situation. I didn't want to bother my mom because she was on the phone and resting on and off. I don't know why I bother trying to talk to my father, all I said was if he was me what would he do to try to get the doctors to listen about what is going on with my health.

He made his angry face which consists of pursing his lips and closing his eyes tight as he stuggles to mouth words out in and angry tone. "Talk to your doctor, not me, I don't know what is wrong with you, they say nothing is wrong with you. I think it is all up here." as he waved his hands around his head.

I asked him "why are you so angry." and he said "Look what do you want me to do?" I said "be a father and talk to me...I don't have anyone else to talk too about what is going on." and he said "Well I can't help that."

I don't know sometimes I am thinking about going back to my apartment. I don't know. I don't like being alone with all this going on, but I am sort of alone here anyway. Then I think I should stay because my mom will start chemo soon and maybe it would be better for her if I was here, esp. since my father lacks compassion towards her as well.

Thankfully late at night my heart seems to be doing well, no idea why at night it is better than during the day. I wake up and it starts and just keeps going all day. I guess that is better than when it was doing it 24/7.

I am still walking on the treadmill, today I did 14 mins. still building each day. Around 9 mins today while I was on it I got a funny feeling, but it passed and I kept walking. It felt almost like my blood pressure went high. I don't know.

I am living on mostly liquids and fruits now. Which is better than when it was all liquids. Sometimes my stomach feels OK and I eat pretty decent somedays.