Back in Dec. I started feeling a lump in my throat down at the base where it connects to the chest. It is not a lump you can feel with your fingers, but more on the inside. It started out as a thumping that would come and go. After about a month and a half it slowed down and seemed to be going away. Recently it has returned and become more pronounced. The feeling of it has changed though it is more of a fluttering in my throat. If anything it seems more heart related now, but I am unsure what it is or where it is coming from.
For a long time I kept blowing it off as stress related and maybe some how it is. However since it is getting worse and there now seems to be a dull pain I have made a doctors appointment for next Wednesday at 1:30pm. I assume I will have to do some tests and hopefully it is nothing to difficult like having a tube put down my throat eventually for them to look. I have enough anxiety without things like that being done to me.
I have not been on cam and I think most of the people who pop in my room don't check the blog, but for those of you who do I am not on because I do not feel very well at all and I am also scared about what is happening with my body and the last thing I want it to be on cam. So for now it is facing out the window. I don't know when or if I will return to lifecasting. I might just stick with the blog or with youtube. Having a camera on me all the time for me is a very draining experience...at least at this time.
Locally I don't have many friends and even some of the ones that I do have I have not been able to bring myself to see. The truth is I think I would break down and cry in front of them out of no place and I am not comfortable with that. Meeting new people with all this going on has been hard and since I can't be happy and a good time for them I don't want to scare them off by appearing like a complete mess. I have been very isolated for months now and it is wearing me down. Besides seeing my mom a few times the only other people I see is the cashiers at a store. Some people have offered to see me, but for reasons above I just can't bring myself to see them. I have this habit of acting. My whole life I think I have been wearing a mask for others and the truth is some of the people that think they know me..esp. if they have known me for years really don't know me at all. It was all masked by alcohol back then and being who I was at the clubs. I know some people don't understand that and I have accepted that they don't.
There is this girl from my past that I lost touch with, someone who really knows all sides of me. I never had to act around her and she was always very excepting of who I am and my limits in this life. I never felt judged by her and she never questioned my reasons for how I am or why I do what I do. If I was completely str8 I think I would have tried to marry her. We drifted apart about 6 years ago, she had her issues and I had mine. It just sorta happened. Recently I have had this little voice in my head telling me to contact her. I couldn't even remember why it was that we didn't talk. I didn't remember if she was mad at me for some reason. I use to drink a lot back then and can not remember every event in my life clearly so I was unsure if I pissed her off and that is why we drifted. Yet she is the only person I could think of that I didn't feel I had to act around. So last night I bit the bullet and contacted her.
Below is my email and her reply (with parts of her reply left out to protect her identity)
"I really need to see you and I know that request is out of no place..but I wouldn't ask unless I really needed you. I know we have drifted apart once again. But you are the only one I can think of to talk to right now and you know me better than most people on this planet. Whatever the reason you are mad at me (If you even are) I hope we can put it behind us. I could really use you in my life right now. If I did or said anything to upset you in the past whatever it was I am sorry.
Brian"
"Hi Brian,
I am not mad at you at all - I think we just drifted off again...things get busy, it happens. I would love to see you, I haven't seen you in so long. I recently moved down south in ***** County, but I still work up here. When do you want to meet? I teach ****** on Saturday until noon - would you like to have lunch afterwards? I ditched Nextel and got the iPhone - my new number is *******.
I would love to say I hope all is well, but it doesn't sound like it. Whatever it is we'll work through it.
Love,
******"
I cried my eyes out when she responded it was such a relief. I didn't really expect her to reply. So I wrote back and hopefully sometime this weekend we can see each other. She was there for me when my lung issue happened years ago and I really need someone right now..so I am hoping that this can work out.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Non-invasive Targeted Radio-frequency Cancer Treatment
Non-invasive Targeted Radio-frequency Cancer Treatment
For more information go to http://www.kanziuscancerresearch.com
For more information go to http://www.kanziuscancerresearch.com
Friday, February 6, 2009
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Taking a break from cam
I am taking a break from cam on justin.tv for at least a week. I have been very slowly tapering off xanax and I am sick from it. I don't feel like being on cam and my sleep is all messed up still, so I just need some time to get through this.
Sometimes I feel completely fine, but other times I feel so ill. I have been through something similar when I came off paxil....though xanax must be a much slower taper because it carries more dangerous withdrawal.
Don't worry about the taper because I am going slower with it than doctors say to.
This is why in many of my youtube videos and past writings I have told people to really look into all side effects and withdrawal effects of drugs prescribed by their doctors. Some people have less issue coming off than others. I happen to be one of those people that suffer a great deal coming off things.
For those of you who email me or instant message me I will be on and off AIM and I will write back at moments where I feel good. I am hoping this sickness does not last too long and I should be completely off xanax in 20 days or so.
About a month ago (and some of you know about this) I developed a thumping in my throat under my adams apple. Being scared the first thing I did was quit smoking. Stopping seemed to have no effect on it. I was not able to stay off cigarettes and returned to smoking. The thumping continued. The only thing that was different in my life besides the stress of my break up was that I had increased my xanax intake soon after my xbf broke up with me. (Keep in mind the increase was still less than what the doctor wanted me to be taking per day.)
I was taking xanax every 8 hour, instead of every 12 hours like I use to. As I slowly started to taper off I noticed my throat was thumping less, then thumping at half the strength it was before. I am now back at every 12 hours and their is little to no thumping at all (so far). However I feel like complete crap and going to be holding the taper at every 12 hours for the next few days till my body adjusts. Then move to every 13hrs etc etc.
Here is the list of withdrawal effects I am experiencing:
Tingling arms and legs on and off.
Increased Anxiety.
No hunger.
Feeling like I am going to throw up, but I haven't yet.
Vivid dreams.
Insomnia (more than normal for me)
Moments that last a few second to a few mins where I feel like I am going to completely crack and lose my mind.
Waves of crying that come and go.
Feeling half dead.
Shaky.
Hot and cold flashes on and off.
Feeling feverish.
I have been on and off this pill since Nov of 2007 (mostly on), but thankfully I have been on a low dose. I feel for the people that have to come off high doses because I don't think I could do it. Many people have to go on an anti-depressant to get through it and for me I hope it does not come to that. In my life I am no stranger to withdrawal all I can say is it sucks beyond anything and for your own sake try not to take medications or drugs that can cause this...it can be a living nightmare.
While on xanax I have had many "mystery illnesses" that for me could have been side effects from the drug itself. The longer you are on it the more your body adapts to it...people can even start to have withdrawal between doses because the body breaks it down faster after awhile.
I noticed when I was quitting smoking it was harder not to smoke soon after taking xanax, because it is almost like if you are a smoker and drink alcohol. The alcohol will make you crave more cigarettes. I believe xanax has helped with my lack of willpower over smoking so for now the quitting smoking will be moved to the back burner till I can get off this drug. I don't think at this point I will ever swallow this type of pill again. I rather deal with the panic attacks than this...at least they stop after 30 mins or so....this just goes on and on.
All I know at this point is I want my life back and not be "hooked" to anything. So if you are someone who prays all I want is for you to pray for my strength to get through this.
I will be in touch. If you email me and I don't answer right away don't worry I will as soon as I have the energy and the mental clarity to do it. I will be ok.
Sometimes I feel completely fine, but other times I feel so ill. I have been through something similar when I came off paxil....though xanax must be a much slower taper because it carries more dangerous withdrawal.
Don't worry about the taper because I am going slower with it than doctors say to.
This is why in many of my youtube videos and past writings I have told people to really look into all side effects and withdrawal effects of drugs prescribed by their doctors. Some people have less issue coming off than others. I happen to be one of those people that suffer a great deal coming off things.
For those of you who email me or instant message me I will be on and off AIM and I will write back at moments where I feel good. I am hoping this sickness does not last too long and I should be completely off xanax in 20 days or so.
About a month ago (and some of you know about this) I developed a thumping in my throat under my adams apple. Being scared the first thing I did was quit smoking. Stopping seemed to have no effect on it. I was not able to stay off cigarettes and returned to smoking. The thumping continued. The only thing that was different in my life besides the stress of my break up was that I had increased my xanax intake soon after my xbf broke up with me. (Keep in mind the increase was still less than what the doctor wanted me to be taking per day.)
I was taking xanax every 8 hour, instead of every 12 hours like I use to. As I slowly started to taper off I noticed my throat was thumping less, then thumping at half the strength it was before. I am now back at every 12 hours and their is little to no thumping at all (so far). However I feel like complete crap and going to be holding the taper at every 12 hours for the next few days till my body adjusts. Then move to every 13hrs etc etc.
Here is the list of withdrawal effects I am experiencing:
Tingling arms and legs on and off.
Increased Anxiety.
No hunger.
Feeling like I am going to throw up, but I haven't yet.
Vivid dreams.
Insomnia (more than normal for me)
Moments that last a few second to a few mins where I feel like I am going to completely crack and lose my mind.
Waves of crying that come and go.
Feeling half dead.
Shaky.
Hot and cold flashes on and off.
Feeling feverish.
I have been on and off this pill since Nov of 2007 (mostly on), but thankfully I have been on a low dose. I feel for the people that have to come off high doses because I don't think I could do it. Many people have to go on an anti-depressant to get through it and for me I hope it does not come to that. In my life I am no stranger to withdrawal all I can say is it sucks beyond anything and for your own sake try not to take medications or drugs that can cause this...it can be a living nightmare.
While on xanax I have had many "mystery illnesses" that for me could have been side effects from the drug itself. The longer you are on it the more your body adapts to it...people can even start to have withdrawal between doses because the body breaks it down faster after awhile.
I noticed when I was quitting smoking it was harder not to smoke soon after taking xanax, because it is almost like if you are a smoker and drink alcohol. The alcohol will make you crave more cigarettes. I believe xanax has helped with my lack of willpower over smoking so for now the quitting smoking will be moved to the back burner till I can get off this drug. I don't think at this point I will ever swallow this type of pill again. I rather deal with the panic attacks than this...at least they stop after 30 mins or so....this just goes on and on.
All I know at this point is I want my life back and not be "hooked" to anything. So if you are someone who prays all I want is for you to pray for my strength to get through this.
I will be in touch. If you email me and I don't answer right away don't worry I will as soon as I have the energy and the mental clarity to do it. I will be ok.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Because I was bored
Because I was bored the other night I decided to go on craigslist and post a fake post. I do this from time to time to entertain myself, sometimes I get tired of talking about myself on the blog. So maybe sometimes I will post my fake stories on here for your entertainment. Below is my post and the replies are under it:
"I have been sitting here wondering all night what I should do. I was on welfare for years and finally got myself off last year by becoming a stripped at a local club.
Most the girls there are on drugs, but I only dabble in them....pretty much stayed clean. I have a long term bf and he knows about my job and he doesn't care because he stays at home with my 4 kids.
I get most of my money from private lap dances in the back room and though no sex officially goes on...of course we all know it does. That part I have kept from my bf.
A few months ago this guy laid down $1000 in twenty dollar bills if he could do me without a condom. I would have said no, but there was some extra bills I had to pay and I let him.
Well I am pregnant and my bf thinks it is his and it could be. This is not something I can really hide from him if it turns out not to be his kid because the man I slept with was black and my bf is white.
I am very pro-life and go to church every week so I can't bring myself to have an abortion I see that as a major sin. So even though this is rant and rave and you will all bash me....what would you do in my shoes??"
Below are some of the replies:
"Your boyfriend is an idiot, he stay at home and watches your four kids? Are these kids even his? Does he work? Is he on welfare?
You are a horrible person. Not only are you carrying another mans child you may have also exposed your stupid boyfriend to a number of STDs when you f***ed this guy.
You are truly a whore.
1000$ dollars. What a waste.
If you have one good bone in your body you will tell your jerk off boyfriend what you did (he will most likely just brush it off, because where else is he going to find a busted stripper with four kids to cheat on him and pay the bills). You should also give your children up for adoption to spare them the embarrassment of growing up knowing their mom is a dirty whore.
Your story sickens me."
"The best thing you could do is leave your "long term" Bf. You dont love him or you wouldnt be spreading your legs for other men! No respect at all for your so called Bf! you sleep with guys not knowing what diseases they may have and then go and sleep with your bf and he as you say has no idea your a whore!! S*it you dont love yourself! You have no Respect for your body, No self esteem, No dignity or any decency. Your a cheap, Slut, Skank, Whore PROSTITUTE!.. Lets define prostitute in case your unsure of what the definition for prostitute means.----------S 230.00 Prostitution.
A person is guilty of prostitution when such person engages or agrees
or offers to engage in sexual conduct with another person in return for
a fee.
Prostitution is a class B Misdemeanor. Imagine that,, It's against the law!
Why do you want advice now? It does not appear that you have the knowledge and concept of right and wrong. My advice is you should tell your so called "long term boyfriend" the truth and be honest -- Something you havent been all along!! That men pay you money for you to sleep with them and that your a prostitute. Tell him a black man paid you $1,000 dollars to sleep with you for unprotected sex and now your pregnant and your not sure if the babys his kid or the black mans kid.---------- Nah, I dont think you can be honest and tell him the truth after all you kept this a secret from him so tells me you know exactly what you were doing and honesty dont mean anything to you in a relationship. You have no respect for your bf, Your not really in love with your bf or you wouldnt be spreading your legs for other men. Your bf must be two sandwiches short of a picnic if he cant tell your loose like a revolving door from all those men... Unless you were lose from the get go!! I'm willing to bet you;ll think of some lie or story to tell him.. Why be honest now?!?!"
"Idiot, she already said hubby knows it may not be his child.
Anyway, as a mother, I assume your recent actions are due to a need to take care of your children, not to fuel a raging crack addiction. I am a two time college graduate and recently have thought that I, too, should do something with my body to make some money to better support my little guy. Assuming I am correct, you need to either put this baby up for adopation or get an abortion. I know being a mother that the idea of an abortion is almost unthinkable, but you can't be out of work that long to take care of this child. My only question to you is, why didn't you take your 1,000 bucks go to ANY pharmacy and get the morning after pill? I know it currently costs 53$ but geeze you had a grand in your pocket. you could have tried to prevent this pregnancy, hell run in the bathroom and throw the film (birth control product) up your crotch befor work every night. I do not envy your plight, but I do understand (if my assumptions are indeed correct) that you were doing what you thought best at that moment. Be brave, and do what is right."
"I suggest contacting an adoption agency....there is a local one that is great (Friends in Adoption...Clifton Park & Vermont). You will have to come clean with the boyfriend & we can all assume that relationship is over. You need to start making good choices for yourself & kids, even if they aren't the easiest choices. Good luck!"
"How much for a BJ?"
"Why don't you try NOT being a stripper and a whore? Get off the ur fat ass (and the pole) and get a real job like the rest of us. Take care of your kids properly and take a shot at turning your life around. U might be surprised at what happens!"
"I have been sitting here wondering all night what I should do. I was on welfare for years and finally got myself off last year by becoming a stripped at a local club.
Most the girls there are on drugs, but I only dabble in them....pretty much stayed clean. I have a long term bf and he knows about my job and he doesn't care because he stays at home with my 4 kids.
I get most of my money from private lap dances in the back room and though no sex officially goes on...of course we all know it does. That part I have kept from my bf.
A few months ago this guy laid down $1000 in twenty dollar bills if he could do me without a condom. I would have said no, but there was some extra bills I had to pay and I let him.
Well I am pregnant and my bf thinks it is his and it could be. This is not something I can really hide from him if it turns out not to be his kid because the man I slept with was black and my bf is white.
I am very pro-life and go to church every week so I can't bring myself to have an abortion I see that as a major sin. So even though this is rant and rave and you will all bash me....what would you do in my shoes??"
Below are some of the replies:
"Your boyfriend is an idiot, he stay at home and watches your four kids? Are these kids even his? Does he work? Is he on welfare?
You are a horrible person. Not only are you carrying another mans child you may have also exposed your stupid boyfriend to a number of STDs when you f***ed this guy.
You are truly a whore.
1000$ dollars. What a waste.
If you have one good bone in your body you will tell your jerk off boyfriend what you did (he will most likely just brush it off, because where else is he going to find a busted stripper with four kids to cheat on him and pay the bills). You should also give your children up for adoption to spare them the embarrassment of growing up knowing their mom is a dirty whore.
Your story sickens me."
"The best thing you could do is leave your "long term" Bf. You dont love him or you wouldnt be spreading your legs for other men! No respect at all for your so called Bf! you sleep with guys not knowing what diseases they may have and then go and sleep with your bf and he as you say has no idea your a whore!! S*it you dont love yourself! You have no Respect for your body, No self esteem, No dignity or any decency. Your a cheap, Slut, Skank, Whore PROSTITUTE!.. Lets define prostitute in case your unsure of what the definition for prostitute means.----------S 230.00 Prostitution.
A person is guilty of prostitution when such person engages or agrees
or offers to engage in sexual conduct with another person in return for
a fee.
Prostitution is a class B Misdemeanor. Imagine that,, It's against the law!
Why do you want advice now? It does not appear that you have the knowledge and concept of right and wrong. My advice is you should tell your so called "long term boyfriend" the truth and be honest -- Something you havent been all along!! That men pay you money for you to sleep with them and that your a prostitute. Tell him a black man paid you $1,000 dollars to sleep with you for unprotected sex and now your pregnant and your not sure if the babys his kid or the black mans kid.---------- Nah, I dont think you can be honest and tell him the truth after all you kept this a secret from him so tells me you know exactly what you were doing and honesty dont mean anything to you in a relationship. You have no respect for your bf, Your not really in love with your bf or you wouldnt be spreading your legs for other men. Your bf must be two sandwiches short of a picnic if he cant tell your loose like a revolving door from all those men... Unless you were lose from the get go!! I'm willing to bet you;ll think of some lie or story to tell him.. Why be honest now?!?!"
"Idiot, she already said hubby knows it may not be his child.
Anyway, as a mother, I assume your recent actions are due to a need to take care of your children, not to fuel a raging crack addiction. I am a two time college graduate and recently have thought that I, too, should do something with my body to make some money to better support my little guy. Assuming I am correct, you need to either put this baby up for adopation or get an abortion. I know being a mother that the idea of an abortion is almost unthinkable, but you can't be out of work that long to take care of this child. My only question to you is, why didn't you take your 1,000 bucks go to ANY pharmacy and get the morning after pill? I know it currently costs 53$ but geeze you had a grand in your pocket. you could have tried to prevent this pregnancy, hell run in the bathroom and throw the film (birth control product) up your crotch befor work every night. I do not envy your plight, but I do understand (if my assumptions are indeed correct) that you were doing what you thought best at that moment. Be brave, and do what is right."
"I suggest contacting an adoption agency....there is a local one that is great (Friends in Adoption...Clifton Park & Vermont). You will have to come clean with the boyfriend & we can all assume that relationship is over. You need to start making good choices for yourself & kids, even if they aren't the easiest choices. Good luck!"
"How much for a BJ?"
"Why don't you try NOT being a stripper and a whore? Get off the ur fat ass (and the pole) and get a real job like the rest of us. Take care of your kids properly and take a shot at turning your life around. U might be surprised at what happens!"
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