IRAQ VETS ADDICTED TO BENZOS

Heart Tests

So I went and had the echo of my heart. The tech asked why I was having it done and I told her about my fast heart rate. Soon after she started the echo she kept going back to one spot and said "Sometimes the heart can beat fast when there is heart valve damage."

Now does that mean I have heart valve damage? Who knows, I wish she didn't say it though because that is what I am thinking about now. After I asked if I could just call for the results and she was frigidity and said "Well I think the cardiologist will want to see you, so be sure to call him today and make an appointment. Again this makes me think something is wrong. I didn't call today because by the time I got home it was 3:30pm and figured they would be closing at 4pm. So I will call in the morning and make an appointment that I can actually get too since I have to have my father take me and my mom only has certain days off and has her pre-op and surgery coming up. Hopefully I can get in and hopefully nothing is wrong with my heart.

Then after the echo I had them place the 24 hour monitor on me which I am wearing right now. I had one of these when I was 16 years old and I have to say the monitor use to be the size of a giant Walkman, now it is the size of a pager from 1995. It is so much lighter. I checked to see what my heart rate was a little while ago and it was 104, which isn't that bad compared to what it usually is.

When I first got there I was having such bad anxiety I had to go pee three times, threw cold water on my face once and kept pacing around like some mental patient. I started to cry once, but managed to hold it in.

After, my mom came over for an hour and a half and we talked and watched some TV. She told me that she is scared they will want her organs so she is not donating them for the surgery, but if something really happens my father has a form from her to let them take them. I told her that this is a lifetime movie in the making. My heart is failing and I will end up with her heart. She said "Oh God...now I don't want to have surgery." and laughed some.

Tomorrow at 3pm this monitor will be over and my father will come and pick it up and bring it back to the hospital for me.

I am going to try to find something solid to eat. I have no idea what I want, but I do feel like I can eat right now so I better do it while I can. I think I will have soup.

How I Feel

Since late January I have been so ill. (read post below to catch up). I have been reduced to living on mainly liquid foods. I have thrown up more times than I can count. I am very thankful when I am able to have a can of soup, banana, or if I am lucky a microwave breakfast. (I have been unable to eat healthy at all)

The heart issue did not start till a single dose of paxil. Fainting scared the hell out of me and that is a major phobia of mine. Outside of all my illness my anxiety has me on compele lockdown right now because I fainted. Even if I felt well I don't think I would drive my car (which I have not driven since Feb 22nd anyway). I am scared I am going to just faint again while driving or in the supermarket. I don't even feel safe being alone now.

I wish I could completely say that it was paxil that made me faint that day, but I can't and there is where the problem lies. Right before I fainted I had a gross thought then I started to faint. Now I always get gross thoughts and now if my own mind can make me faint I am in trouble. I mean after all I could have a gross thought while driving and pass out.

I am sure to many people fainting is not a big deal, but for me it is giant. I don't like anything about it, it is the closest thing to dying for me. Your whole body winds down and you feel so ill. You can't see and you turn pure white as your pupils dialate out.

I have now fainted 3 times in my life. March 4th my most recent faint, Nov 2007 when I drank way too much alcohol and fainted and hit my head in the bathroom (which gave me a phobia of drinking alcohol because it caused me to faint. I needed to stop drinking anyway) and in June 1994 after my blood was taken (that is where my blood phobia comes from).

Two of those events I can blame something, blood test and alcohol. This time what do I blame? What is the chances that my gross thought came right before I fainted? Did paxil and my gross thought together trigger me to faint? Was it just the paxil (even though I took it years before and never fainted) and it just happen to happen at the same time? This is my problem, nothing to blame but my mind? Then I am in trouble because like I said I think horrible things a lot to begin with. I am unable to stop those thoughts from coming at me for the past 15 years medicated or not. The only thing I can do is try to block them out which is what I usually do. Gross thought comes in and I picture flowers blooming in my head to try to get away from the thought.

However since the day I took paxil my heart rate has stayed very high 100-150 something. My old heart rate was 70-80. Even when I am relaxed my heart races fast so it again makes me question the paxil.

Since Jan. I feel poisoned the only way to even put it into prospective for someone is to say it feels like I have a constant IV drip of chemo going into me. It takes me 20 mins sometimes to get off the couch to get a glass of water. My body aches, my heart races and I am so weak. I have a hard time focusing at all. I was always reading books and now I just can't...I can't even focus on TV shows. I am very zoned out.

The second visit to the ER was because I got close to fainting two more times that day. I am scared of my treadmill now because I walked on it and shortly after I broke into a cold sweat. I assume that is because I had not been eating and my heart rate was already high to start with. Thoughts enter in my head though that I have heart disease and that is why it happened. I worry that my heart is clogged or damaged and that is why it is beating so fast. Plus I read online about people with anxiety disorders having more heart attacks than non anxious people and how people with mental illness in general die on average at 57 years old.

Many times when I sleep I am jolted awake covered in sweat. Not just a little sweat, but sweat running down my face and soaking through my t-shirt. I have been sleeping on the couch so at least when I wake up like that the TV is on and that feels much safer.

Many times I feel so sick I cry my eyes out for hours sitting on my couch or calling my mother on the phone. I start to get these intense anxiety attacks unlike anything I ever experienced in the 15 years I have had anxiety. It is more anxiety than I even knew a human could experience.

Just picking up my apartment a little shoots my blood pressure to 150/101 and my heart climbs to 158. I checked after cleaning a little because I felt this pressure in my head and my knees felt shaky. That is another thing when I walk know my legs go weird on me and shake at times, other times I lose feeling in my wrists or my face. All these feelings and things happening is not good for a nervous person to deal with.

I tried to stop smoking cold turkey and my blood pressure feel so low that I started to black out so I am forced to smoke and trying as hard as I can to reduce the amount each day so my body can take it. Oddly usually when someone quits smoking the heart rate will drop, but mine stays high.

I called a Gastro doctor today because I have stomach issues and H. Pylori bacteria. They are booked till June, but can get me in with the nurse May 8th. So that is when I will be going there. I started taking pepcid last night in case I do have an ulcer because sometimes I have thrown up some small brown specks when I ate nothing brown and sometimes small amounts of blood.

I guess it is good that I have the energy to start writing again. Part of it is because I am scared I will die and I feel this need to connect and tell my story.

I will write more if I can soon. Because there is so much to this story I can't write it all out at once.

Tomorrow I go in for my echo of my heart and wear the 24 hour heart monitor.

My mom has cancer and I am sick

I am going to keep this as short as possible, but there is a lot of information of what has been going on. I will just summarize as best I can.

Jan 21st-Feb 14th I tapered off xanax. My throat issue went away once the drug was stopped. However from the time of the tapper till now I have been unable to eat very much food. I throw up a lot and have dropped 17 lbs. This is from some sort of benzo withdrawal that the doctors refuse to recognize.

March 4th I was so ill and wanted relief I decided to try going on an anti-depressant. So I took 10 mg of paxil and several hours later fainted on the floor. I called my primary doctor and made and appointment for the next day. Later that night my heart rate started to climb and was at 140 beats a min so at 4:30am I had my parents take me to the ER. They did an EKG and told me to see my primary care doctor. I never took paxil after that day.

At 11:30am March 5th I saw my primary care doctor and he refused to listen to my heart and yelled about me being off xanax and said "so what you fainted who cares!" and yelled some more and this went on and on to long for me to type out maybe someday I will. He refuses to treat me so no primary care doctor.

Since March 4th My heart rate has been between 100-150 at rest (very rate will it go to normal), I have vomited, been jolted out of my sleep with anxiety attacks, I have major panic attacks and in a depression.

March 9th my mom had a colon scope done and was told she has colon cancer. She has surgery on April 22nd to remove the cancer and then they will stage the cancer to see if she needs chemo.

March 29th my heart rate was so high I went to a different ER where they did a ton of blood work, gave me an IV, chest xray and did an EKG. The blood work that came back quick was normal and I had a few tests that take longer so they said they would call me.

April 1st. I got close to fainting 2 times and my blood pressure went from high to low. I was so sick and shaky that I emailed Keith (my xbf) to tell him goodbye in case I died. Went back to the ER that night and they just did an EKG and said to follow up with my heart tests.

This Thursday April 9th I go in to have an Echo of my heart and a 24 hour monitor placed on it.

Today the hospital ER called me to tell me one of my tests came back positive for H. pylori the bacteria that causes peptic ulcers and now I have to see a doctor to get treatment for that. Most of the pills they use to treat that I can't even take. H. pylori also can lead to stomach cancer many years down the line if not treated. I might have to have a scope done of my stomach as well. I decided to put this off till after my moms surgery. So I assume I will try to make an appointment with a new primary care doctor around May 1st.

I have no health insurance so I am applying yet again for medicaid which I am always denied for.

In 4 months I have lost my 5 year relationship, Become very ill and my mother has cancer. I cry all the time and have so much anxiety (part of which was caused by that stupid pill)

I went emotionally numb for a few mins today. I couldn't feel anything..I felt dead. This is all really too much to handle. So this is why I have not been writing and there is so much more detail to all of this, but I just wanted to do a short update.

If you happen to be having your own problems with benzo withdrawal please see the following sites for information.


http://www.benzo.org.uk



http://www.benzowithdrawal.com

Taking a break from cam

I am taking a break from cam on justin.tv for at least a week. I have been very slowly tapering off xanax and I am sick from it. I don't feel like being on cam and my sleep is all messed up still, so I just need some time to get through this.

Sometimes I feel completely fine, but other times I feel so ill. I have been through something similar when I came off paxil....though xanax must be a much slower taper because it carries more dangerous withdrawal.

Don't worry about the taper because I am going slower with it than doctors say to.

This is why in many of my youtube videos and past writings I have told people to really look into all side effects and withdrawal effects of drugs prescribed by their doctors. Some people have less issue coming off than others. I happen to be one of those people that suffer a great deal coming off things.

For those of you who email me or instant message me I will be on and off AIM and I will write back at moments where I feel good. I am hoping this sickness does not last too long and I should be completely off xanax in 20 days or so.

About a month ago (and some of you know about this) I developed a thumping in my throat under my adams apple. Being scared the first thing I did was quit smoking. Stopping seemed to have no effect on it. I was not able to stay off cigarettes and returned to smoking. The thumping continued. The only thing that was different in my life besides the stress of my break up was that I had increased my xanax intake soon after my xbf broke up with me. (Keep in mind the increase was still less than what the doctor wanted me to be taking per day.)

I was taking xanax every 8 hour, instead of every 12 hours like I use to. As I slowly started to taper off I noticed my throat was thumping less, then thumping at half the strength it was before. I am now back at every 12 hours and their is little to no thumping at all (so far). However I feel like complete crap and going to be holding the taper at every 12 hours for the next few days till my body adjusts. Then move to every 13hrs etc etc.

Here is the list of withdrawal effects I am experiencing:

Tingling arms and legs on and off.
Increased Anxiety.
No hunger.
Feeling like I am going to throw up, but I haven't yet.
Vivid dreams.
Insomnia (more than normal for me)
Moments that last a few second to a few mins where I feel like I am going to completely crack and lose my mind.
Waves of crying that come and go.
Feeling half dead.
Shaky.
Hot and cold flashes on and off.
Feeling feverish.

I have been on and off this pill since Nov of 2007 (mostly on), but thankfully I have been on a low dose. I feel for the people that have to come off high doses because I don't think I could do it. Many people have to go on an anti-depressant to get through it and for me I hope it does not come to that. In my life I am no stranger to withdrawal all I can say is it sucks beyond anything and for your own sake try not to take medications or drugs that can cause this...it can be a living nightmare.

While on xanax I have had many "mystery illnesses" that for me could have been side effects from the drug itself. The longer you are on it the more your body adapts to it...people can even start to have withdrawal between doses because the body breaks it down faster after awhile.

I noticed when I was quitting smoking it was harder not to smoke soon after taking xanax, because it is almost like if you are a smoker and drink alcohol. The alcohol will make you crave more cigarettes. I believe xanax has helped with my lack of willpower over smoking so for now the quitting smoking will be moved to the back burner till I can get off this drug. I don't think at this point I will ever swallow this type of pill again. I rather deal with the panic attacks than this...at least they stop after 30 mins or so....this just goes on and on.

All I know at this point is I want my life back and not be "hooked" to anything. So if you are someone who prays all I want is for you to pray for my strength to get through this.

I will be in touch. If you email me and I don't answer right away don't worry I will as soon as I have the energy and the mental clarity to do it. I will be ok.

Feeling Blah

I am not really feeling that well today. I got ready to go to the supermarket and started to feel sick to my stomach, but not from anxiety. I drank some juice before I went to see if it would help. I took my xanax around 11:30am anyway so I definitely was not nervous. That unpleasant issue I talked about before with the pale stools (by pale I mean gray) have been still happening on and off for the past year, but the tests were all normal so who knows what my issue is. My liver levels were fine and the ultrasound of my liver, pancreas and gallbladder were all normal. Which is no surprise, I tend to always have normal results for medical tests. Outside of the anxiety no one can really explain why I get days were I get very ill and just have to wait till it passes.

I went to the store and picked up several TV dinners because I really was not feeling all that well so I didn't feel like shopping, but did need to buy food. I noticed in my car mirror before I went into the store that I was getting pale.

While in line at the store this woman in front of me was telling the cashier that she is retired and decided not to move to Virginia because if she did the government would cut her retirement check because the government says it is cheaper for her to live in Virginia than it is to live in New York. Which she said was a crock so she is just going to stay here so her check isn't cut. I didn't know retirement was based on the state you live in so that sucks.

When I got home I made a TV dinner and took a multi-vitamin. Still feeling ill about an hour later I took a pepcid. So now I am just laying here watching TV. For those of you who watch me on Justin.tv I just put the cam in the bedroom, but have the sound still on the TV. I just don't feel well enough to be on cam right now, but I might be fine later. I hope I am not getting a stomach virus that would suck and I feel like I am going to barf...and not for my usual reasons hehe.

My parents still don't have power at their house that they lost during the ice storm, so they are still at the hotel. They told me they booked the room till Tuesday of this week. They have to go back to their house twice a day to give the cat his shot. Their cat has diabetes and needs insulin.

So for now I am just going to rest and watch TV. I just hope I feel better later. I hate feeling sick. Oh and I am going to stop chain smoking. That is my first step towards quitting...not that I feel like smoking right now anyway I feel to blah.

Thanksgiving and Therapy

Holidays are not an easy time for me. For as long as I can remember I find them depressing. All except Halloween. I don't even like my birthday. I always get morbid thoughts about dying in a car crash around a holiday or someone I love dying on a holiday. You know the stuff cheesy lifetime movies are made of. The kind of movie where the whole family grieves every year for decades because they lost so and so on Christmas.

My bf well xbf is leaving me tomorrow on Thanksgiving. My mom is making me food and I will go over to her house and pick it up. She made enough for my xbf as well. So he will be finishing packing tonight and move his stuff tomorrow. Eat with me and then be gone.

My parents are eating at my sisters house. They pretty much do every year. I am invited as always, but can't go because I have issues eating around people I don't know. I have not seen my sister in years and all her adult kids will be there and other family members. Truth is I just don't really know them that well. We never were a close family. I pretty much just have my parents family wise. My sister got married soon after I was born so we have a large age gap.

I was doing well with the breakup till last night when it hit me again and I cried for about 2 hours. Then it was gone. It comes in waves. I know the healthy thing to do is after he leaves to soon after be around other people. I know I should go for walks to get outside. The problem is I just don't want to. Right now the last thing I want to do is see anyone. I don't even know if I want to talk to people. I have moments where I feel good and then email people back and I am very thankful for the emails of support I have got. If I don't reply right away please do not take it personal.

I had talked in a past post about stopping therapy. Unfortunately it was not helping and might have been making things worse. So I called on Monday morning Nov. 24th and left a voice mail and basically said "Hey this is Brian and I have an appointment with ***** at 3pm on Tuesday and I am calling to cancel that appointment and I do not want to reschedule...I have been with your program for three years and it really is not working out for me....thanks." and that was that.

I don't have to worry about my Xanax because I get that from my regular doctor, actually the nurse practitioner that I see. I had been taking .25mg twice a day for awhile and since the breakup I have been taking three .25mg a day. I am allowed six .25mg a day so I am only at half the dose. I think a week after he is gone I will try to go back to just taking it twice. I really don't even like being on drugs. Sometimes I wonder if it even helps anymore. It use to. I can't tell now.