Anxiety Health and Family

Cardiology Appointment

I called the Cardiologist office, but because of my moms upcoming surgery there was only really two dates I could get in and they were booked. So I have an appointment for May 1st at 1:40pm.

I asked if something bad shows up on my echo or 24 hour test if they will call me and let me know. He said that they would and would get me in right away. Hopefully nothing is wrong. There is only so much I can take right now.

So May 1st Cardiologist and May 8th Gastroenterologist.

I will be so glad when this heart monitor is off of me because I really feel like I need to take a nap, but I have to be awake for when it turns off so my father can take it back to the hospital for me.

I hope by May 1st my heart is just back to normal so there is nothing else I have to do. I am freaked out by what others tests the Heart and Stomach doctors will want me to do.

I called around to see if I could find a therapist that worked by phone since I can't get out of my apartment and my father is busy with work and my mom right now, so he can't take me. But there is no therapist I can find that does that.

Agoraphobia is one of the most common phobias yet not many people know what it is and it is very misunderstood. I can't help but wonder how many other agoraphobics right now are sitting at home unable to see a therapist to talk about things.

24 hour heart monitor

The 24 hour heart monitor has this diary that it comes with where you put down what you are doing so they know why your heart rate changes. Mine looks completely like I am a nut job.

11:00 pm went to bed
4:20 am woke up heart raced
6:00 am slept on and off from 4:20am till 6:00am
6:36 am first cigarettes of the day
6:52 am Vomitied from sour stomach and anxiety
7:18 am Crying and pacing till 8:30am

This thing stays on me till about 3pm. Right now I feel so weak and wore out. I have only been able to hold down soda. I have had a few mild hot flashes and pin prick feelings in my brain and some dizzyiness.

I cried on the phone to my mom again this morning and decided to come clean about some secrets I have kept from her. I told her I am the one who burned the garage down when I was litte, which she said she already knew. I told her I was molested once that I know of by my cousin who is only a few years older than me. She told me she thinks he was molested by the guy down the street who was later arrested. I told her I was not tramatized by it and she took that well.

Then I told her about the adult videos I did years ago and how in Atlanta I was a escort for a little while. She was not fazed and said everyone makes mistakes and I am no worse than anyone else. So now my mom knows all my secrets.

I am so tired of feeling sick. Mornings are way worse for me for some reason. It is when I am the most sick to my stomach and I feel the most scared. I also feel the weakest because I hardly eat and when I sleep I go all those hour with no food.

I still wonder how I will ever feel better again after all this because even if I do get better it is only a matter of time before I become sick again. We all will get sick and that scares tha crap out of me. I use to be able to ignore that, but now I just can't shake the thought.

My nephew is still in the hospital with his collapsed lung. It has not inflated yet and he might have to have surgery.

When I feel a little better I have to call the cardiologist today because I have to make an appointment.

Heart Tests

So I went and had the echo of my heart. The tech asked why I was having it done and I told her about my fast heart rate. Soon after she started the echo she kept going back to one spot and said "Sometimes the heart can beat fast when there is heart valve damage."

Now does that mean I have heart valve damage? Who knows, I wish she didn't say it though because that is what I am thinking about now. After I asked if I could just call for the results and she was frigidity and said "Well I think the cardiologist will want to see you, so be sure to call him today and make an appointment. Again this makes me think something is wrong. I didn't call today because by the time I got home it was 3:30pm and figured they would be closing at 4pm. So I will call in the morning and make an appointment that I can actually get too since I have to have my father take me and my mom only has certain days off and has her pre-op and surgery coming up. Hopefully I can get in and hopefully nothing is wrong with my heart.

Then after the echo I had them place the 24 hour monitor on me which I am wearing right now. I had one of these when I was 16 years old and I have to say the monitor use to be the size of a giant Walkman, now it is the size of a pager from 1995. It is so much lighter. I checked to see what my heart rate was a little while ago and it was 104, which isn't that bad compared to what it usually is.

When I first got there I was having such bad anxiety I had to go pee three times, threw cold water on my face once and kept pacing around like some mental patient. I started to cry once, but managed to hold it in.

After, my mom came over for an hour and a half and we talked and watched some TV. She told me that she is scared they will want her organs so she is not donating them for the surgery, but if something really happens my father has a form from her to let them take them. I told her that this is a lifetime movie in the making. My heart is failing and I will end up with her heart. She said "Oh God...now I don't want to have surgery." and laughed some.

Tomorrow at 3pm this monitor will be over and my father will come and pick it up and bring it back to the hospital for me.

I am going to try to find something solid to eat. I have no idea what I want, but I do feel like I can eat right now so I better do it while I can. I think I will have soup.

This morning

I woke up this morning and have already thrown up two times. I have not been able to eat any solid food yet. My heart rate is around 124 a minute. I am so sick of my heart rate being so high. It is really scary. No one will completely listen to the fact that my heart rate did not go this high till after I took a paxil on March 4th.

My parents are taking me today to have the heart echo and 24 hour monitor put on. I don't even feel like I have the energy to do this. My normal anxiety plus all this happening is very overwhelming and I pace back and forth in my apartment. I am thinking about staying at my parents house. I don't like being alone. Yet I am really stuck because soon my mom has her surgery to remove her cancer. Some doctors have said "Well maybe you are stressed out about your mom." Which I am, but all this started before she knew she had cancer. My heart, vomiting and that day I fainted all happened before.

Sometimes I am so desperate I am willing to take whatever they hand me to make this all stop. But then I read something like this:

"I was put on Zoloft to treat Hypotension. Three weeks into this I began having seizures. One of my Doctors added a Beta-Blocker into my fourth week of zoloft, because my chest pains had not diminished. Then I was sent to a neurologist. After countless tests and NO answers, he put me on Depekote. Within ten days my seizures changed. I no longer came out of them right away. The worst one - eight hours I could not move anything below my neck, but because I was able to cough when the Doctor asked me to, he believed this was all in my head and sent me to the psych unit of the hospital. This has terrified me. I can't think of any reason why anyone would fake this??????
The second time this happened I went to a different hospital. After I came out of it and talked with the Doctor, he also believed Zoloft started this. (After 4 different ones said NO WAY) I went off all meds, but the seizures have remained with me. (at least 2 a week)

Three weeks ago I started back up on my beta-blocker, because my chest pains had returned (stronger). Six days into that and my seizures came on strong!!!! In three days I had a total of 17. I was admitted into the hospital for seven days. I was hooked up to the EMU for five days. I had no seizures during that time and was sent home. I have been off the beta-blocker for two weeks and have not had any seizures for almost a week and a half. What is the deal? Am I not going to be able to take anything now? I really need help. I'm not sure what to do? Or who I should see??"

and

"I had my first and only 2 seizures on May 14, very scary, and they have since been controlled with Dilantin. Since I never had seizures before and the only medication I was on was Lexapro I am wondering if there is a connection. Anyone else hear anything about this type of reaction with an anti-depressant?"

Then I think maybe I should just go back on a benzo like xanax or valium. But then I know that I started getting this sick when I came off that drug.

My anxiety is so high and I have so many body problems right now. This morning I was walking to the bathroom because I felt like I was going to vomit and with out any warning some came right out of my mouth and into the bathroom sink.

I have a hard time knowing how and what is the "real me". I was on xanax for over a year. Before that I was drinking a lot for 7 years. I can't remember how I was before pills and alcohol. I do know that my heart rate was never this high when I was nervous. I did throw up when I was nervous, but not this much and never was forced into starvation.

I also know that back in 2007 after being on xanax for a few months when I came off I was sick. I couldn't eat and felt like a dead person. That is when I ended up having the blood work to check my liver and the ultrasound of my liver and gallbladder. After a few weeks of feeling awful I started xanax again and like magic it went away.

I also know before I came off xanax I developed a thumping in my throat. That lasted over a month. Once off xanax that thumping has stopped and never returned.

Right now is so hard becasue I am going through all this and people are not hearing me. If my mom asks "well if you are this sick off the meds and the meds can make you sick, what do you want to do?" The answer is I don't know. I don't know what to do.

I feel bad putting stress on my mom right now because she has cancer, but at the same time I feel like I am dying. I can't find anyone with an anxiety disorder who has a constant high heart rate like me for over a month. I keep running into doctors who don't know about medications and that is scary. I should not know more than them in some areas. It leaves me more scared.

I don't know if I can make it till May 8th to see some nurse at the Gastro doctor. I don't know how I am going to be this weak and get through a scope and all those antibiotics to get rid of the H. Pylori.

I assume my heart tests will all come back normal and then they will want to place me on a beta blocker. Then what? Why is my heart going this fast to begin with?

I wish I never took any meds now I am in a nightmare and I fear I will be lost in the nightmare forever till I die or till I am placed back on drugs with them never realizing it was the drugs. I messed up guys by listening to the doctors and now I might pay for it with my life. Be so careful what you take. I am now in such a circle and so ill I will most likely have no choice but to do whatever it is they tell me to do. I don't know if I will end up with a worse disorder like seizures or not.

SSRI's have been linked to sudden cardiac death now. They also can increase your risk of GI bleeding 4 fold. That is why I can't even take an SSRI right now. It can cause rapid heart rate when you start and I already am too high and I think I have an ulcer so I can't risk the GI bleeding effect. The only answer seems to be a benzo. Then what? I go back to normal? If I do no one will believe how sick I was or that it caused it. Will I be stuck on a benzo forever because when I come off my heart can't take it?

I have prayed so much asking God to make it stop and so far the answer is "No"

How I Feel

Since late January I have been so ill. (read post below to catch up). I have been reduced to living on mainly liquid foods. I have thrown up more times than I can count. I am very thankful when I am able to have a can of soup, banana, or if I am lucky a microwave breakfast. (I have been unable to eat healthy at all)

The heart issue did not start till a single dose of paxil. Fainting scared the hell out of me and that is a major phobia of mine. Outside of all my illness my anxiety has me on compele lockdown right now because I fainted. Even if I felt well I don't think I would drive my car (which I have not driven since Feb 22nd anyway). I am scared I am going to just faint again while driving or in the supermarket. I don't even feel safe being alone now.

I wish I could completely say that it was paxil that made me faint that day, but I can't and there is where the problem lies. Right before I fainted I had a gross thought then I started to faint. Now I always get gross thoughts and now if my own mind can make me faint I am in trouble. I mean after all I could have a gross thought while driving and pass out.

I am sure to many people fainting is not a big deal, but for me it is giant. I don't like anything about it, it is the closest thing to dying for me. Your whole body winds down and you feel so ill. You can't see and you turn pure white as your pupils dialate out.

I have now fainted 3 times in my life. March 4th my most recent faint, Nov 2007 when I drank way too much alcohol and fainted and hit my head in the bathroom (which gave me a phobia of drinking alcohol because it caused me to faint. I needed to stop drinking anyway) and in June 1994 after my blood was taken (that is where my blood phobia comes from).

Two of those events I can blame something, blood test and alcohol. This time what do I blame? What is the chances that my gross thought came right before I fainted? Did paxil and my gross thought together trigger me to faint? Was it just the paxil (even though I took it years before and never fainted) and it just happen to happen at the same time? This is my problem, nothing to blame but my mind? Then I am in trouble because like I said I think horrible things a lot to begin with. I am unable to stop those thoughts from coming at me for the past 15 years medicated or not. The only thing I can do is try to block them out which is what I usually do. Gross thought comes in and I picture flowers blooming in my head to try to get away from the thought.

However since the day I took paxil my heart rate has stayed very high 100-150 something. My old heart rate was 70-80. Even when I am relaxed my heart races fast so it again makes me question the paxil.

Since Jan. I feel poisoned the only way to even put it into prospective for someone is to say it feels like I have a constant IV drip of chemo going into me. It takes me 20 mins sometimes to get off the couch to get a glass of water. My body aches, my heart races and I am so weak. I have a hard time focusing at all. I was always reading books and now I just can't...I can't even focus on TV shows. I am very zoned out.

The second visit to the ER was because I got close to fainting two more times that day. I am scared of my treadmill now because I walked on it and shortly after I broke into a cold sweat. I assume that is because I had not been eating and my heart rate was already high to start with. Thoughts enter in my head though that I have heart disease and that is why it happened. I worry that my heart is clogged or damaged and that is why it is beating so fast. Plus I read online about people with anxiety disorders having more heart attacks than non anxious people and how people with mental illness in general die on average at 57 years old.

Many times when I sleep I am jolted awake covered in sweat. Not just a little sweat, but sweat running down my face and soaking through my t-shirt. I have been sleeping on the couch so at least when I wake up like that the TV is on and that feels much safer.

Many times I feel so sick I cry my eyes out for hours sitting on my couch or calling my mother on the phone. I start to get these intense anxiety attacks unlike anything I ever experienced in the 15 years I have had anxiety. It is more anxiety than I even knew a human could experience.

Just picking up my apartment a little shoots my blood pressure to 150/101 and my heart climbs to 158. I checked after cleaning a little because I felt this pressure in my head and my knees felt shaky. That is another thing when I walk know my legs go weird on me and shake at times, other times I lose feeling in my wrists or my face. All these feelings and things happening is not good for a nervous person to deal with.

I tried to stop smoking cold turkey and my blood pressure feel so low that I started to black out so I am forced to smoke and trying as hard as I can to reduce the amount each day so my body can take it. Oddly usually when someone quits smoking the heart rate will drop, but mine stays high.

I called a Gastro doctor today because I have stomach issues and H. Pylori bacteria. They are booked till June, but can get me in with the nurse May 8th. So that is when I will be going there. I started taking pepcid last night in case I do have an ulcer because sometimes I have thrown up some small brown specks when I ate nothing brown and sometimes small amounts of blood.

I guess it is good that I have the energy to start writing again. Part of it is because I am scared I will die and I feel this need to connect and tell my story.

I will write more if I can soon. Because there is so much to this story I can't write it all out at once.

Tomorrow I go in for my echo of my heart and wear the 24 hour heart monitor.

My mom has cancer and I am sick

I am going to keep this as short as possible, but there is a lot of information of what has been going on. I will just summarize as best I can.

Jan 21st-Feb 14th I tapered off xanax. My throat issue went away once the drug was stopped. However from the time of the tapper till now I have been unable to eat very much food. I throw up a lot and have dropped 17 lbs. This is from some sort of benzo withdrawal that the doctors refuse to recognize.

March 4th I was so ill and wanted relief I decided to try going on an anti-depressant. So I took 10 mg of paxil and several hours later fainted on the floor. I called my primary doctor and made and appointment for the next day. Later that night my heart rate started to climb and was at 140 beats a min so at 4:30am I had my parents take me to the ER. They did an EKG and told me to see my primary care doctor. I never took paxil after that day.

At 11:30am March 5th I saw my primary care doctor and he refused to listen to my heart and yelled about me being off xanax and said "so what you fainted who cares!" and yelled some more and this went on and on to long for me to type out maybe someday I will. He refuses to treat me so no primary care doctor.

Since March 4th My heart rate has been between 100-150 at rest (very rate will it go to normal), I have vomited, been jolted out of my sleep with anxiety attacks, I have major panic attacks and in a depression.

March 9th my mom had a colon scope done and was told she has colon cancer. She has surgery on April 22nd to remove the cancer and then they will stage the cancer to see if she needs chemo.

March 29th my heart rate was so high I went to a different ER where they did a ton of blood work, gave me an IV, chest xray and did an EKG. The blood work that came back quick was normal and I had a few tests that take longer so they said they would call me.

April 1st. I got close to fainting 2 times and my blood pressure went from high to low. I was so sick and shaky that I emailed Keith (my xbf) to tell him goodbye in case I died. Went back to the ER that night and they just did an EKG and said to follow up with my heart tests.

This Thursday April 9th I go in to have an Echo of my heart and a 24 hour monitor placed on it.

Today the hospital ER called me to tell me one of my tests came back positive for H. pylori the bacteria that causes peptic ulcers and now I have to see a doctor to get treatment for that. Most of the pills they use to treat that I can't even take. H. pylori also can lead to stomach cancer many years down the line if not treated. I might have to have a scope done of my stomach as well. I decided to put this off till after my moms surgery. So I assume I will try to make an appointment with a new primary care doctor around May 1st.

I have no health insurance so I am applying yet again for medicaid which I am always denied for.

In 4 months I have lost my 5 year relationship, Become very ill and my mother has cancer. I cry all the time and have so much anxiety (part of which was caused by that stupid pill)

I went emotionally numb for a few mins today. I couldn't feel anything..I felt dead. This is all really too much to handle. So this is why I have not been writing and there is so much more detail to all of this, but I just wanted to do a short update.

If you happen to be having your own problems with benzo withdrawal please see the following sites for information.


http://www.benzo.org.uk



http://www.benzowithdrawal.com

Gerson Therapy - Tape 1

I like to watch different alternative views on different subjects. I just got done watching this today on google video. It most likely will not be up forever, so take time to watch it if you wish. Take what is helpful from it for you and leave the rest behind.

Where is Brian?

Back in Dec. I started feeling a lump in my throat down at the base where it connects to the chest. It is not a lump you can feel with your fingers, but more on the inside. It started out as a thumping that would come and go. After about a month and a half it slowed down and seemed to be going away. Recently it has returned and become more pronounced. The feeling of it has changed though it is more of a fluttering in my throat. If anything it seems more heart related now, but I am unsure what it is or where it is coming from.

For a long time I kept blowing it off as stress related and maybe some how it is. However since it is getting worse and there now seems to be a dull pain I have made a doctors appointment for next Wednesday at 1:30pm. I assume I will have to do some tests and hopefully it is nothing to difficult like having a tube put down my throat eventually for them to look. I have enough anxiety without things like that being done to me.

I have not been on cam and I think most of the people who pop in my room don't check the blog, but for those of you who do I am not on because I do not feel very well at all and I am also scared about what is happening with my body and the last thing I want it to be on cam. So for now it is facing out the window. I don't know when or if I will return to lifecasting. I might just stick with the blog or with youtube. Having a camera on me all the time for me is a very draining experience...at least at this time.

Locally I don't have many friends and even some of the ones that I do have I have not been able to bring myself to see. The truth is I think I would break down and cry in front of them out of no place and I am not comfortable with that. Meeting new people with all this going on has been hard and since I can't be happy and a good time for them I don't want to scare them off by appearing like a complete mess. I have been very isolated for months now and it is wearing me down. Besides seeing my mom a few times the only other people I see is the cashiers at a store. Some people have offered to see me, but for reasons above I just can't bring myself to see them. I have this habit of acting. My whole life I think I have been wearing a mask for others and the truth is some of the people that think they know me..esp. if they have known me for years really don't know me at all. It was all masked by alcohol back then and being who I was at the clubs. I know some people don't understand that and I have accepted that they don't.

There is this girl from my past that I lost touch with, someone who really knows all sides of me. I never had to act around her and she was always very excepting of who I am and my limits in this life. I never felt judged by her and she never questioned my reasons for how I am or why I do what I do. If I was completely str8 I think I would have tried to marry her. We drifted apart about 6 years ago, she had her issues and I had mine. It just sorta happened. Recently I have had this little voice in my head telling me to contact her. I couldn't even remember why it was that we didn't talk. I didn't remember if she was mad at me for some reason. I use to drink a lot back then and can not remember every event in my life clearly so I was unsure if I pissed her off and that is why we drifted. Yet she is the only person I could think of that I didn't feel I had to act around. So last night I bit the bullet and contacted her.

Below is my email and her reply (with parts of her reply left out to protect her identity)

"I really need to see you and I know that request is out of no place..but I wouldn't ask unless I really needed you. I know we have drifted apart once again. But you are the only one I can think of to talk to right now and you know me better than most people on this planet. Whatever the reason you are mad at me (If you even are) I hope we can put it behind us. I could really use you in my life right now. If I did or said anything to upset you in the past whatever it was I am sorry.

Brian"

"Hi Brian,

I am not mad at you at all - I think we just drifted off again...things get busy, it happens. I would love to see you, I haven't seen you in so long. I recently moved down south in ***** County, but I still work up here. When do you want to meet? I teach ****** on Saturday until noon - would you like to have lunch afterwards? I ditched Nextel and got the iPhone - my new number is *******.

I would love to say I hope all is well, but it doesn't sound like it. Whatever it is we'll work through it.

Love,

******"

I cried my eyes out when she responded it was such a relief. I didn't really expect her to reply. So I wrote back and hopefully sometime this weekend we can see each other. She was there for me when my lung issue happened years ago and I really need someone right now..so I am hoping that this can work out.

Non-invasive Targeted Radio-frequency Cancer Treatment

Non-invasive Targeted Radio-frequency Cancer Treatment







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Because I was bored

Because I was bored the other night I decided to go on craigslist and post a fake post. I do this from time to time to entertain myself, sometimes I get tired of talking about myself on the blog. So maybe sometimes I will post my fake stories on here for your entertainment. Below is my post and the replies are under it:



"I have been sitting here wondering all night what I should do. I was on welfare for years and finally got myself off last year by becoming a stripped at a local club.

Most the girls there are on drugs, but I only dabble in them....pretty much stayed clean. I have a long term bf and he knows about my job and he doesn't care because he stays at home with my 4 kids.

I get most of my money from private lap dances in the back room and though no sex officially goes on...of course we all know it does. That part I have kept from my bf.

A few months ago this guy laid down $1000 in twenty dollar bills if he could do me without a condom. I would have said no, but there was some extra bills I had to pay and I let him.

Well I am pregnant and my bf thinks it is his and it could be. This is not something I can really hide from him if it turns out not to be his kid because the man I slept with was black and my bf is white.

I am very pro-life and go to church every week so I can't bring myself to have an abortion I see that as a major sin. So even though this is rant and rave and you will all bash me....what would you do in my shoes??"



Below are some of the replies:


"Your boyfriend is an idiot, he stay at home and watches your four kids? Are these kids even his? Does he work? Is he on welfare?

You are a horrible person. Not only are you carrying another mans child you may have also exposed your stupid boyfriend to a number of STDs when you f***ed this guy.

You are truly a whore.

1000$ dollars. What a waste.

If you have one good bone in your body you will tell your jerk off boyfriend what you did (he will most likely just brush it off, because where else is he going to find a busted stripper with four kids to cheat on him and pay the bills). You should also give your children up for adoption to spare them the embarrassment of growing up knowing their mom is a dirty whore.

Your story sickens me."



"The best thing you could do is leave your "long term" Bf. You dont love him or you wouldnt be spreading your legs for other men! No respect at all for your so called Bf! you sleep with guys not knowing what diseases they may have and then go and sleep with your bf and he as you say has no idea your a whore!! S*it you dont love yourself! You have no Respect for your body, No self esteem, No dignity or any decency. Your a cheap, Slut, Skank, Whore PROSTITUTE!.. Lets define prostitute in case your unsure of what the definition for prostitute means.----------S 230.00 Prostitution.
A person is guilty of prostitution when such person engages or agrees
or offers to engage in sexual conduct with another person in return for
a fee.
Prostitution is a class B Misdemeanor. Imagine that,, It's against the law!

Why do you want advice now? It does not appear that you have the knowledge and concept of right and wrong. My advice is you should tell your so called "long term boyfriend" the truth and be honest -- Something you havent been all along!! That men pay you money for you to sleep with them and that your a prostitute. Tell him a black man paid you $1,000 dollars to sleep with you for unprotected sex and now your pregnant and your not sure if the babys his kid or the black mans kid.---------- Nah, I dont think you can be honest and tell him the truth after all you kept this a secret from him so tells me you know exactly what you were doing and honesty dont mean anything to you in a relationship. You have no respect for your bf, Your not really in love with your bf or you wouldnt be spreading your legs for other men. Your bf must be two sandwiches short of a picnic if he cant tell your loose like a revolving door from all those men... Unless you were lose from the get go!! I'm willing to bet you;ll think of some lie or story to tell him.. Why be honest now?!?!"



"Idiot, she already said hubby knows it may not be his child.

Anyway, as a mother, I assume your recent actions are due to a need to take care of your children, not to fuel a raging crack addiction. I am a two time college graduate and recently have thought that I, too, should do something with my body to make some money to better support my little guy. Assuming I am correct, you need to either put this baby up for adopation or get an abortion. I know being a mother that the idea of an abortion is almost unthinkable, but you can't be out of work that long to take care of this child. My only question to you is, why didn't you take your 1,000 bucks go to ANY pharmacy and get the morning after pill? I know it currently costs 53$ but geeze you had a grand in your pocket. you could have tried to prevent this pregnancy, hell run in the bathroom and throw the film (birth control product) up your crotch befor work every night. I do not envy your plight, but I do understand (if my assumptions are indeed correct) that you were doing what you thought best at that moment. Be brave, and do what is right."



"I suggest contacting an adoption agency....there is a local one that is great (Friends in Adoption...Clifton Park & Vermont). You will have to come clean with the boyfriend & we can all assume that relationship is over. You need to start making good choices for yourself & kids, even if they aren't the easiest choices. Good luck!"


"How much for a BJ?"


"Why don't you try NOT being a stripper and a whore? Get off the ur fat ass (and the pole) and get a real job like the rest of us. Take care of your kids properly and take a shot at turning your life around. U might be surprised at what happens!"

New Blog Feature

There is a new blog feature I added. If you look to the upper right you will see a chat button. When it says "Send Email" I am offline and you can email me. When the button says "Call Now" I am available to talk on the phone and you will be connected to my home phone. I kept the price of the feature as low as possible, but phone calls to me will be 85 cents a minute.

But if your ever just want to chat and the "Call Now" button is on feel free to call.

My Father

I thought several days about writing this blog entry. It is personal and very exposing. Why I even keep and open diary online blog is beyond me. Maybe because I want to help others in the same situation. Maybe because I just want people to know. Maybe I have become too tired of holding in all the secrets that I do so I have let some leak out. Though most of them I will take to the grave.

I grew up in a not so emotionally well household. It was not the worst and compared to other stories I have heard about other peoples family's mine was a picnic. I can only write down things that I remember going through and my own life experiences. I am not looking for pity. I am simply just telling a story of me. Someday I might decide I am done with the blog and it will all go away. Though I have learned on the internet nothing ever really goes away.

I will leave my mother out of this story for the most part because although she has played a major role in shaping my life, not always for the good, I feel that she is more a victim of her own life and did the best she could and still does. I understand why she has made the choices she has made and though at times I wish she understood me more or would change I can accept her flaws because she does and has tried to change. Even if she never gets there I can at least know she tries in her way.

I assume my father is also a victim of his up bringing I mean isn't everyone? I know very little about my father. I could tell you very little about what his actually job is, his likes or dislikes. I know next to nothing about his childhood and when I have asked growing up he only said "I don't remember". I know very little of where he lived, what he did while he was in high school or college. Except that he ran track. I know that detail because once we went to a college reunion when I was a child and because in high school I was pretty much forced to join track because he had done it when he was in school.

He never says much of anything, no friends and just reads books. That much I know. I also know that he hardly throws out mail. At my parents house the whole basement is just pretty much boxes of mail. In one room down there the mail goes to the ceiling and their is only a little path from the door in that room that leads to the closet. The closet also filled with mail.

In the outside world my father is very quiet, but that is completely different than how he is at home. He yelled all the time when I was growing up. His anger has slowed down over the years, maybe from getting older or because I am not there. My mother says he yells less now, but she also says she has learned to ignore him. So maybe it just seems like less. Maybe she has mastered the art of avoiding his triggers.

Other than spanking and being hit a few times with a belt growing up he never beat me. To younger people that might sound awful in itself, but you have to remember this was and still is acceptable (in some family's) to do to punish a child. So for that I have no issue. Depending on if I deserved the spanking at times is debatable.

From here all I can do is tell random stories and comments made so you can get an over all picture of my childhood with him.

When my mother would take out pots and pans to cook, if one should slide out of the lower cabinet and hit the floor my father would come tearing up the basement stairs shouting "What broke!! What broke!!" To which my mother would say "Nothing it was just the pan I am making dinner." and he would then say something like "These cabinets are too cluttered!!" and then angrily start ripping the pans out of the cabinet onto the floor in a hast to reorganize them. Pretty much any noise would cause him to fly into his yelling rage. He came tearing up the basement stairs often or down stairs depending on where he was in the house.

When I would pour milk or anything into a glass he would stand over me or around me carefully watching, either saying nothing or telling me not to spill it. I remember being so nervous that sometimes I was pouring so carefully that the liquid would run down the side. That of course would cause him to go into a yelling fit.

There is this one time when I was 5 or 6 years old that I had a stomach virus. My mother had taken a part time job in the evenings at a gift shop so my father watched me at night. Having the stomach virus I accidentally messed myself. I was too scared to tell him. So I sat in it for hours, sitting on a pillow on the floor, coloring with a pencil in my coloring book till my mom got home.

We had went on a vacation to Delaware when I was about 8 years old. On the way back to NY I felt car sick, but my parents felt like eating in a restaurant. Soon after we ordered the food (it was an Italian restaurant) the smell of other peoples food was turning my stomach more. So I told my mom I was going to throw up. She told my father to take me to the bathroom. Half way to the bathroom in the restaurant I started to throw up, I cover my mouth to try to keep it in, but of course some came out. I got to the bathroom and vomited as my father spanked and yelled at me for getting sick.

I use to wet the bed almost every night till age 11. Looking back on it now I believe a lot of it had to do with stress living in that house. Every morning my mother would take my sheets off the bed and if possible would hide the fact that I wet the bed from my father so he would not fly into a yelling fit. When he did find out that I had, which was often he would yell at me about it, or sit there in his quiet anger stewing, but it was known that he was mad. He would tell me I was doing in on purpose and was just to lazy to get up to go and that the sheets would be hung on the clothes line so that all the neighbors would know that I was wetting the bed. Though he has never told me this, so I am not sure how true it is, my mother told me that when he was little he use to wet the bed. Sometimes my mom makes stuff up though so I don't know if it is true.

I was a very thin child almost too thin. When puberty hit I remember eating a lot more and he was mad one day about how much milk I had drank and that I was just being "a god damn pig." The amount of food I would go through would make him angry.

I use to play little league like many boys. I remember most the kids wanting their parents there when they played to watch them. I was relieved when mine weren't there. I think I played better when I was left alone. My father never told me good job or encouraged me. He only would tell me what I did wrong or say nothing at all. Sometimes even seeming burdened by the fact he had to take me. He never taught me how to play baseball my mother did. She got a few broken boards and cut an old pool hose to make me a baseball tee in the backyard. Later she would throw the ball to me so I could practice hitting. I only did little league for a few years. So scared of messing up I made sure I was as far out in outfield as I could be. Some days I was so stressed out about having to go I would fake being sick so my mother would keep me home.

My mom being a mom told me not to fight. My father in my opinion being my father should have taught me how to stand up for myself. Instead he would display great anger anytime I was mildly aggressive. In turn when I went to school I was the target of other children. I never fought back, I was scared of them and scared that if I fought back I would get hurt or in trouble at home. I never told my parents even to this day the extent of me being teased which ranged from me being tripped and hit by other kids to have a gun put to my head in a bathroom in middle school. The teasing for the most part stopped as soon as I got to high school. I started hanging out with the druggie, smoking, drinking crowd and that seemed to keep me safe.

At about age 14 we had a cordless phone and for those of you old enough to remember the antenna use to be metal and pulled open and closed. One day I was waiting for a friend to call me back. The antenna was mostly closed and I was watching TV. The phone was resting against my chin. My father came in the living room and started screaming to get the phone out of my mouth. Being a teenager I was getting tired of him. I told him it was not in my mouth and that sent him into a rage. He started screaming in my face over and over "Take the phone out of your mouth!" So close that his spit was landing on me as he yelled while he shook his fist in my face like he was going to punch me. He often would do that shaking his fist close to me. I remember saying "Hit me..stop threatening it and do it. But when you do hit me, I am going to hit you back, I am younger than you and I promise it will be a fight you will lose, then I will call the police and have you arrested followed by calling child protective services." He continued yelling and left the room. After that day he never shook his fist in my face again.

Growing up when I would go out to eat with both my parents I was constantly judged on how I ate. The most common theme was "Someday you will have a girlfriend and what will her parents think of how you eat?" Looking back I was eating normal, but how others viewed us was very important to them. When I got older and ate at a friends house it was very difficult for me to do. I would be told by other people "That is why you are so thin because you don't eat." They were wrong, I just couldn't eat much around them. I was basically choking the food down feeling judged with every bite. Later when I did have serious girlfriends I never once ate with their family. I just couldn't the anxiety was so high. Even with friends family's at this point I would go out to eat with them at a pizza place. Worried I would be judged for not eating enough and worried I would be judged for how I ate... I would eat two slices of pizza and feel so sick. I would go to the restaurant bathroom and throw up quickly then come back to the table to eat more so it would appear I ate a normal amount. Most of my friends parents were heavy set people so even then they ate way more then I ever could in one sitting.

When I was little I remember my parents having a big fight late one night and my mom came in my bedroom and said we are leaving and to collect the toys I wanted. I of course took my bear that would play music if you turned the key in his back. A few other toys and since I did not have enough room in the paper bag by mother had given me to pack in I took one piece of a puzzle I had to remember it by. I remember feeling scared that we were leaving, but even at that young age happy. I was scared as my mother and I walked the dark streets heading downtown in the cold. I can only assume we were walking to her friends house that she worked with back then because she was an older black woman who lived downtown. My father caught up in the car and kept yelling for my mother to get in the car and of course we did. Growing up most children fear that their parents would get divorced...I use to pray for it.

Before I could drive my father would sometimes drive me to the mall, usually with great annoyance that he had to take me. This was before the internet so again for those of you too young to remember the mall is where we hung out. This one time however I was just going by myself to buy clothes for school I assume. On the way up there he started screaming and yelling about something. What I can't remember, but most likely that he had to take me. I told him not to bother waiting for me I would take the bus home. I did not at that point want to be around him and he demanded I not take the bus home. I ran away from him in the parking lot of the mall and he chased me, but I was quick and got away. I got to a payphone in the mall and called my mother to tell her about what happened and she was mad that he was acting that way. I did not go home that night. I took the bus to a friends house and stayed there. My mother never learned to drive so it was only him that could take me places and he was always quick to tell me he was not a taxi service. For a reference point the mall was only a few miles from our house. I also hardly asked for a ride unless I needed to be picked up from a friends house after dark. Most of the time I did take the bus.

In my teenage years I had a best friend. His mother for some reason let me spend every weekend there. Our families knew each other from church. In the summer I just pretty much stayed there the whole time. I did not want to go home. I remember my mother having my father give my friends mother money since I was eating her food. I actually felt bad staying there so much and her kids were trouble makers so while she was at work I would clean her clothes and do all the dishes. I felt that if I earned my keep and was really nice she would let me keep staying. For the most part she did.

When I had lung surgery in the year 2000 I was not allowed to drive a car for months after if it had an airbag. My fathers car did not have the passenger side airbag so I was able to sit in the front seat. About a month after my surgery he was driving me home to my apartment where I lived with a friend of mine. As we were going down the highway he started yelling about something. Again I can't remember what it was...he usually yells about things that are so stupid they aren't worth remembering. I do know that at one point he was not paying attention and almost drove the car under a tracker trailer. So I yelled at him to pay attention. I told him I just had lung surgery will you please just stop (the pain at the time was still very real even with medication) and that is when he said "You probably faked that too." referring to my lung surgery which he was there for. I think I said something to the affect of yea all the doctors were in on it. I didn't speak to my parents for a few days and my mom must have had my sister call me because my sister and I never talk (she is my half sister from my moms first marriage). My sister said to me that they were getting older and that is just the way he is. I am lead back into things by guilt often so I resumed contact.

My father once accused me of hitting my mother. I told him "I never hit her." and he said "Oh yes you do..you just don't remember." I told her about that and she said "I don't know what the hell he is talking about."

There is so much more I could say and so many more stories to tell, but by now you get the idea. He still yells, but mostly at my mother. At times he will pick a fight with me and it causes flash backs of my childhood and how scared and helpless I felt. I could never stay mad at him long because my mother would always force me to hug him goodbye if I was angry with him or tell me how I can't stay mad at him .."because what if he was killed in a car crash while you were mad...you would never forgive yourself and have to live with that forever." Seems like I was always the one saying I was sorry or we acted as if nothing had taken place at all.

Because my father pays for me (esp. in recent years) because I am unable to hold a job I have had to keep in contact with him. I figured once I was older and out of the house that I myself could have a relationship with him. So I would email him things to look at or send him an email about something. He would read it and look, but never write back. He never calls me, but I would call him at work to talk to him or if my mom was busy when I called the house I would speak to him about myself because he never has any wisdom to share with me or any of his own stories to tell. Actually he will email me when they go on a trip, he will send me where they will be and what the train numbers are, if he thinks he is owed money he will send a bill to the penny, and he will forward pictures my sister sends him of my great nephew (which my mom tells him to do since she does not have an email account).

For many years I use to have nightmares about having to move back home or go home on holidays when I was at college. Even sometimes being in their house even now I can't breath. I started to realize last year that my attempts to have a relationship with him was one sided. He hands over money that is all. If he was poor and could not have helped me at all I doubt I would have kept contact as long as I have. But with taking money, comes guilt, it makes you feel like you owe someone. I have allowed him to yell and treat me at times harshly because I am in no situation at the current time to negotiate. Most people have no idea how hard it is when I have to ask for extra money. Last year after I had the flu I had to get an antibiotic. Thankfully the nurse I see is understanding and only charges me $20 for the visit. But medication is a different story. So the first round of pills I had to take when the flu passed was because I developed an infection in my lung (same one I had surgery on). They were only $45 dollars and generic so not to bad over all. However they did not work, so I had to return a week later to the doctors office and they had to give me an antibiotic that is not yet sold as a generic. (Thankfully this year it will be.) The pills were going to cost $220. The office checked to see if they had samples for me, but they didn't. So from the parking lot of the pharmacy I had to call my father and tell him how much they were. There was never any concern that I was sick. There never is. Just an angry sigh and a "FINE!! FINE!! JUST GET THEM!!". After awhile or maybe I am just sensitive, but I start to feel empty inside and vacant and guilty.

The other day my mother called me with him screaming and carrying on in the background about some collection agency that had called and said I owed $109 from 2005 for Readers Digest Magazine. He was shouting about how he now had to pay it. I told her I never even had that magazine. I also check my credit report every year and nothing from them is on the reports so I know damn well they don't have my social security number and just are tracking people by name. It is not like my name is completely uncommon in the city I live in. He then started to dictate in the background what I can and cannot do online, what I can order and what I can't. My mother was yelling back at him to stop and saying I said it is not mine and not to pay it. He continued shouting "NO!! NO!! I AM JUST GOING TO PAY IT!!" I hung up.

I had waited a week before I told my mother that I had quit smoking. I wanted to make sure it was more than a 48 hour deal. I was feeling better about it so when I went to visit her the day before I told her. She of course told my father as well. High stress situations is not something someone deals with best when they are quitting smoking, alcohol or any drug for that matter. From experience I know this.

Him screaming like that lit a rage inside me and so I called back. My mother answered and I said "Put him on the phone now." He came on yelling and so I was a lot louder to shut him up. I don't remember everything I said, but I know I told him if I find out he ever pays that bill to forget any form of relationship with me because I am tired of him bitching that he is an ATM machine and I would have to listen to his mouth about how he had to pay yet another bill (esp. since it was not even mine) that I would be the one to call them back and fix the situation. He started yelling again. I told him to "shut up, just shut up I am so tired of you, in case you had not realized dad we have a very fragile relationship...one that I hold together..I email you, you never write back, you never call me I only call you and I am sick of your bullshit..all you ever did my entire life is yell at me and made me a nervous wreck". I also said "You want to yell at someone yell at mom since she for some unknown reason has stayed with you all these years, but you are not going to yell at me anymore. I am an adult and you sure as hell are not going to dictate to me what I do and do not do." I doubt he even heard half of what I said because he kept interrupting yelling back and I had to keep saying "Shut Up!!". Eventually I hung up on him. I went to the store and got two chocolate milks and pork skins. I just needed to get out in the cold air.

When I got home my mother had called me so I called her back. She was mad at him for carrying on and in the bedroom staying away from him. I told her that I wanted a hand written letter of apology from him and for it to be mailed to me if he ever wanted me to speak to him again. That I was done. She refused to tell him that and said that no man would do that. My point in making him do that was two part at the time. 1) When I was 14 years old and threatened to call the police on him he stopped shaking his fist in my face so I thought making him do something like that would make him think twice about acting that way again towards me. 2) That I assume it would be very hard for him to do, after all he has never said he was sorry for anything. Maybe in anger I wanted him to feel as demoralized as he has in the past made me feel.

The phone conversation ended with my mother and I didn't know what to do with myself. Completely unprepared for that level of stress so soon after I quit smoking. I stuck a patch on and most of the day wore that. I could not shake the anger, the resurfacing memories of my childhood, the guilt and the anger at myself that I am stuck in a situation I do not want to be in. So while on camera I told everyone that I was going to the store to buy a candy bar. People who know we well online know damn well what I was doing, but were polite not to say anything. I bought a pack of cigarettes and started smoking. Then of course I was mad at myself.

That night I slept poorly and was not on cam much yesterday, having got so upset I couldn't really eat much food. Last night I put the patch back on determined I just had a misstep and I would just stop again. I slept 3 hours last night and have been up sense. I took the patch off and went to get cigarettes. I just can't stop at this moment in time, but I will again and hopefully very soon. I didn't even want to tell anyone that I smoked again because I am angry at myself for giving in to it.

This morning I told my mother that I was smoking again. She thinks that I shouldn't have smoked because of him and that I should have "rised above" and maybe I should have, but I couldn't. I was too angry and at that point I could have cared less about my own well being.

I have had a few days to think about it and I have decided I am done with my father (I will be decent acting when forced to be around him). I explained that to my mother on the phone and for now she agrees. I made it clear that it is not a passing phase. That a week from now I don't want her calling me saying "You should talk to him after all he is paying your bills." She claims she won't, but I know her and of course she will. She said "you can't change him" and I said "I know I can't, but I don't have to accept him anymore or condone his behavior, I am tired of a one sided relationship and feeling like crap about myself." I told her that "I love him because he is my father, but I don't respect him and he disappoints me." She agreed. So to answer that age old statement "What if something happens to him? You would never forgive yourself." Yes I would.

Kate Hudsons Dumb Ass Panic Attack Comment

Here is a recent video clip of Kate Hudson casually throwing around the words panic attack. I can't stand when people causally throw that term around because then when I and others who really have this problem tell people of our condition we are blown off. They have no clue what it is like to live with this and by some of the comments, which you will see below many people were not pleased.








Comments:

"Jagerdan420

Panic Attacks are serious matter, specially some one under stress and daily criticism, I suffer from anxiety and panic disorder and is nothing 2 laugh about, maybe years ago, when I didn't know and didn't have them, but now days my life and days are regulated by a pill that I call "Every six hours", it is horrible that ignorants out there can make fun or publish something so serious like a medical condition that diminish human balance and control."

"Emhorserider

Why do people in Hollywood laugh about Panic Attacks? Don't they know that there are people out there that have Anxiety Disorders and have panic attacks just about everyday? I have it and I have it so bad that I missed an entire year of high school because of it. They can put stars on there like 'oh gosh they had a panic attack we must tell everyone' what about the people like me? What do they do about them? People that have sometimes talked suicide. I would know because I have done that before. What about people that go to a therapist everyday because of it? Kate Hudson it is not a laughing matter. Real life and real people have this, it is a serious matter. Personal experience right here. So tell me why they don't put high school kids in the media because of panic attacks? Why wasn't I interviewed? Do you know why? Because the people in the real world are much lower on the status chain then stars. Come and here my story and then you would know how it feels. Listen to people with it."

"Cyncushinan

I usually don't waste time watching airheads like these two kids, but the "panic attack" title got my attention. Lo and behold (no surprise) Kate doesn't have a clue what a real panic attack is...nor does she care that she is disparaging literally millions of Americans (alone) who have this crippling disorder. I've had it for 30 years, and as you two seem to know, it is hell. Give me asthma, anything but cancer, but agoraphobia/panic attacks are nothing at all to joke about. I'm in the health care field...actually to help patients because I've been there....and sometimes you never truly get to leave. It's terrifying, more disabling and life-changing than diabetes (and similar as both come from chemical disorders in the brain)....however, because of very ignorant stigmas....you can tell everyone that you have diabetes. But for some reason, people are so uninformed and prejudiced about "mental issues", we don't tell. We need to teach them!"

"Jagerdan420

Well thanks Cyncushinan 4 you comment, very appropriate, maybe some one gets 2 see it and take some conditions that others get 2 ignore more seriously, and me as well would rather have anything but this, is a prison inside myself, a neurological condition that has ruined my life and has me reinventing myself every time I have a breakdown, hopefully what she had was stress related and not the real stuff, cuz as young as she is, it wont be pretty."

Smoking

I wanted to wait a week before I wrote about this, but on Jan. 2nd 2009 at 11:11am I finally quit smoking.

The first three days were the hardest. The withdrawal part is now over. The only issue I continue to have is the habit itself. For example when I first wake up in the morning or when I start my car I feel the need to light a cigarette. That feeling will pass in time.

One thing I do not have is the need to have something in my mouth. People keep saying stuff like carrot sticks, lollipops, etc etc... that is not helpful in my situation because it was never about an oral fixation with me...I just wanted the drug.

Here is how I quit. I decided while smoking a cigarette that morning that I really no longer wanted to be a smoker. I went to the pharmacy, bought a box of "step 2" patches (14 mg), came home, smoked one last cigarette and stuck a patch on.

I only used one patch to get me through the first 24 hours and went cold turkey after that.

One promise I am making to myself. I will never become one of those annoying ex-smokers that end up lecturing everyone about quitting.

So do I feel better? Well it has only been a week. So far I have noticed my morning breath is a lot better, my gums do not bleed as easily, my gums are also turning pink. I have also noticed that I am sleeping deeper.

Anyway I just wanted to write a short blog about that. :-)

Happy New Years

Sometimes I forget I am gay and on and off I am lonely. To be honest I think I have always dated beneath me, either look wise, or intellectually wise or both. It tends to be both. I think it is because if they are too cute I assume they will just cheat and leave faster. After all I am not cute enough compared to them in my mind anyway. Or I find someone who likes the same stuff I do (for the most part anyway) and I am not sexually attracted to them that much or at all.

I would like a really cute guy who only had eyes for me and who I could talk to about everything and we would share the same interests. That way when the first love wore off we would still have things in common. Also it can't be all look based because things happen, we age, get ill ..whatever it is. Just at first I want him to be really cute and make me feel cute. I also want someone who won't cheat and for once actually be a little jealous if they thought I was cheating. Not over kill just a little worry that I might actually leave them. No one ever seems to care if I leave.

I don't even know if what I want exists and if he does what if he lives in England and could never come here because he has anxiety too? That means he is cute and lonely and nervous walking around London with a broken heart because I am sitting here in Albany, NY. :-)

I don't know if I want to date Americans anymore. We look ok, but we are pretty stupid and selfish. I need to find someone that now lives here from another country. Canada, any country in the European Union, Russia or Australia would do. I kind of want a cute Russian or some guy with a British accent so even when he is being mean to me he sounds polite.

I think it is important also what the guys values are, family life, and how open minded he is. I want him to see that like now when I am depressed I sleep, feel sick, might cry and want to just hold him. I don't want it to scare him or burden him. I just want him to hold me and let it pass.

Tonight is the first night I have cried in weeks. I am not even completely sure what I am crying over. I just know I feel awful. I also know that even though I am glad my xbf left...I am some times beyond pissed off at him that he did this. He took something very important away from me. Our friendship. I know he is there, we write in brief, stupid, plain, almost fake emails to each other. I assume if I wanted to actually hang out with him I could. I just don't want to because the idea hurts to much. I don't know if I want to hug him or back hand him.

Call me immature or spoiled, but when I find out that his and my life are getting to intertwined before I am ready for that, I can't help but feel angry and distance myself more form people.

Unfortunately I know so many people in Albany, mostly casually know them and I get these emails from different people. Together they are parts of a puzzle that all fit together. I think my xbf would be surprised that I know almost everything he has done from the time he has moved out till New Years Eve. I assume he thinks I know nothing, but it seems I have this network of spy's that report to me no matter if I want them too or not.

I am not even sure how that came about. Maybe because people are open with me, but over all I get reports from three different cities I have lived in on at least a weekly bases. Even the people who are reporting to me, others are reporting to me on them. I know who my true friends are, they are the ones I never get reports on, because they have not said anything bad about me. I keep my "spy list" private some are even friends with each other and have no clue the other knows me and reports drama back to me as well. I swear it is very Mafia and somehow I am their ringleader. I assume it happens because I never tell their secrets. People find out very early that they can trust me.

My xbf's email will come telling me how he was just resting up all weekend. Yet I already know where he was at midnight the night before. He is trying to spare my feelings I assume and the others are trying to be helpful because none of them really want to hurt me...well maybe a few do, but for most they think they are doing me a favor and sometimes they are.

Most of the people I have met in real life recently have been OK. But this one that I met. I made it so clear I just wanted to be friends. Invited him over a few time, but due to weather it couldn't happen. Then I get an email about how he met someone and he is so happy. Never heard from him again, at least not yet. The funny thing is why am I dropped because he now has a boyfriend? I even wrote back saying I was happy for him and maybe we could watch TV sometime. I never did get a reply from that email. I mean after all HELLO just wanted to be your friend. Either way it is done now. Weeks from now if I get an email it will be ignored. That is one thing I will not allow as I shop around for new people in my life.

I am also getting tired of the Jtv camera. I have no plans of turning it off....yet. There are some people who watch me that I really care about and they know who they are. I am tired of answering the same questions over and over. And worse there are some idiots who no matter how much I explain something they never get it. It is like I know the blog is long, but seriously read it....read it all and if you do and still don't get it then do me a favor and remove yourself from my life because all you do is drain me. Most never even try to read it though. They pop in and out wanting a show. Believe me if I wanted to put on a show it would be on a different cam site and I would be getting paid for it.

I love when people say I am always sitting on the couch when I am on cam. It is like hmmmm OK morons. The cam is hooked to the lamp. It is on the couch so when I type on my laptop you can see me. The cam is not a hover craft that follows me around when I use the phone, go to the kitchen, take a shower or go to the supermarket. So yes when you see me I am on the finest of Wal-mart couches circa 1995 hehe.

The cam is fake anyway. Anyone that private messages me or email me knows that anyway. I sit there when I am stable. Otherwise people would be bitching that I am always on that couch, crying and curled in a ball. Come to think of it. The camera is like real life. I show myself when I am ready and when I feel simi balanced. I talk to most people in real life about nothing and I talk to most camera people about nothing.

I also don't talk on cam, that would drain me, been there and done that. Thank god my computer has a long delay so I have an excuse not to talk. The camera now thanks to a friend has the finest of sound coming from my TV set 24/7 hehe.

I think the people who really don't get to know me think I am a bitch or boring. Both on camera and in real life. Anyone who knows me knows I am not a bitch or boring I am just very tired and at times very lost. Also people who talk to me on a more personal level start to get pieces of my life, start to see why I am the way I am and sometimes even have respect for me. Those are the people I keep.

I woke up at 2am. That is not helping matters. At the same time right now I do not have the energy or care enough to fix it. In time it will and it tends to fix when it does on its own. I am wasting my time fighting it anyway. I am just going to sleep when I sleep, eat when I am hungry. I refuse to weigh myself because I just don't want to know if I dropped anymore weight. I will check in a month or so and see if I am surprised that I gained a few pounds.

One Of Many Reasons I Fear Vaccines

Also a very good book is "Dr. Mary's Monkey" by by Edward T. Haslam





The Book Can Be Found On Amazon.

Social Skills

I have met a few people recently in real life. I was quick to discover that after years of being in a relationship which I isolated myself in and also lost myself in the world of the internet I have lost most social skills. Maybe I lost them long before that. See when I use to meet people or hang out with them I would just drink beer. That always got me through. Alcohol has a way of making the world more interesting, time speeds up and most of the time, if you consume enough you are at peace with yourself. Now I not only was in isolation for 5 years with my main communication being the computer, but now I also no longer drink. So I have lost what little tools I had or at least forgot for right now.

On the internet when someone is talking to you and asks a question you can pause to think or just not answer. There is that little "X" in the corner of the chat box and you can close the unwanted people out. You can delay talking to them and if you don't feel like talking at all you can just logout. In the real world I can't "X" anyone out. I think that is why I have a hard time with the phone as well. I really have nothing to talk about and when I run out of things to say there is just silence, but the line is still open.

The two people I did meet recently were both very nice though and I was not nervous meeting them, maybe just normal jitters that anyone gets meeting someone for the first time. I also made no plans to meet them till the last minute or a few hours at the most. I had no time to really think about it. I made small talk with both and have been actively chatting with one online and will most likely hang out again. I have a few other people I will be seeing soon as well I am sure.

I find it hard with new people because I hate explaining who I am and the reasons why I avoid the things I do. Some people of course think they can "fix" me if I was just with them enough and that could not be further from the truth. It is also not anything new to me. People always, with the best of intentions think they can "fix" me. Thing is I don't always feel "broken", I am just different. I am the first to realize that if it was not for all the struggles I have been through and the anxiety I have for no reason at all, that I just wouldn't be me. If I never had this "problem" I would never have had the time to look into certain subjects, nor had the time to learn all the things I have. I think I view people in a different light than most. I almost prefer the ones that are "broken". Broken people are usually the most interesting. Their belief systems can range from semi-normal to the UFO's will be returning next week with the federation of light. They seem to be more compassionate and many times well rounded people.

I think maybe I would like around ten percent of the population. The rest is just noise. The problem is they are so damn hard to find and spread out all over the globe. When if comes to them there is no age, they are all ages. They are the 18 year old who suddenly can't relate to his peers and sits with a 40 year old man because they both have something in common, usually it is questions like who are we really? why are we here? They can't care about or think about what the general population does. I call them the viewers. We watch the world go by. We know we are part of a giant game and watch the people who still have no idea they are even in a game. They are so tightly wrapped in it that if you even dared tell them they would think you were crazy and in need of medication or they would fall apart. Some people need the game.

I love my parents dearly, but they need the game, esp my mother. For me I know it is all a game, but I have a hard time letting go of it. I also have moments when I wish I did not know the things I do or at least did not have the perspective I do, then I could be lost in the game and never know it.

OK so back to my lack of social skills. I am going to have to build that back up, but at the same time find people I can actually talk to about more than surface issues. Thankfully there are some people in my life that I can.

When I was in high school I use to skip classes and go to Burger King with my friends, but other times they would go off without me and I would be in the library. I was always looking for something. Not really and answer, but an understanding....to what I have no idea. I assume I will be looking till I die. I also assume if I find it I would know it. This journey of looking has been a blessing and a curse. The blessing is I understand things so much better or at least I understand people better and because of that most people scare the hell out of me. The curse is I am limited on who I can talk to about it. A therapist asked me once "Who is Brian?" the honest answer is I don't know. I heard an answer once form someone, maybe it was Deepak Chopra (who I don't follow) that said "I'm an astounding, lucid confusion. I'm your own voice, echoing off the walls of God."

Took My Mom To The Hospital

So for the past couple of days I have continued to clean my apartment. Today I took a break from cleaning because my hands have started to become chapped. So I have just been putting lotion on them. Once they clear up I will get back to cleaning. The apartment is about 80% clean so I am almost done.

Since I could not clean up today I decided to do some laundry over at my parents house. My mom has today off from work. She went to the doctors yesterday and they think she has a kidney infection. So they put her on an antibiotic. While I was there cleaning she told me that she thought the pill was making her sick. She had thrown up earlier and had bad stomach pain. She is on several other medications so I asked her if she asked the pharmacist if the new drug would interact with her other pills. She said the nurse said they wouldn't, but she never asked the pharmacist.

While I was there she threw up again and her pain in her stomach got worse. So she called her doctor and he called back about 20 minutes later and told her to go to the ER and have an xray of the digestive track. I have no clue how they do an x-ray of the stomach area. So I am thinking he meant an upper GI or a CT scan. So she called my father and I drove here to the hospital. My father met us there. She is still there and I am just waiting to hear word from my father so I know what is going on.

A few months back my mother passed out and I took her to the ER so this is the second time in the past few months I have taken her to the hospital. Hopefully the antibiotic just really irritated her stomach and it is nothing else. They didn't know why she had fainted a few months back either.

I have been trying to make myself go out once a day at least. I have been to hannaford supermarket almost everyday this week. I don't stay long of course, but I have been going. The other day my computer had an issue so I ended up having to go to walmart. They did not have what I needed for my computer so then I had to go over to circuit city. It was more expensive than I had hoped and the stuff I needed came to $133. So I put it on my credit card. I then came home and rolled all the quarters I had and brought them over to my parents house since they are taking care of my credit card right now. I only had $46 dollars in quarters though. I have a bag of dimes and told them I would roll them up and bring those over too.

The problem is I am working with dying computers so hopefully at some point some how I can get a new desktop. I need a new laptop as well, but the desktop is way more important. I am also having issues with my DSL. It is going to slow so I am having issues with using Justin TV. I don't talk on the mic anymore because the lag is sometimes over a minute.

I think after xmas I will call time warner and get a cable modem with digital phone. Then my cable, cable modem and digital phone will be part of a package deal and I will save money by dropping verizon. The only down side to getting the cable modem is this is a very old building and they will have to drill a hole in the wall to install the cable modem. I only have one cable outlet and that is in the living room. The complex I live in has a deal with time warner though so they have no issue with them having to drill a hole. It is just I will feel nervous while the guy is here and the longer he is here to more nervous I will feel. It will be worth it though to have faster internet.

So hopefully my mom is ok. If I thought it was anything major I would have stayed. I have major issues with hospitals and since they were going to draw blood I couldn't be in there with her. I also get really nervous sitting in the wait rooms. I also start to worry about that super bug found in hospitals called MRSA and the flesh eating bacteria. They are becoming more common in NY and CA.

If you have never heard of MRSA you can find out more information by watching the video below.



as always if the video stops working email me so I can update it.

Agoraphobia A New Day

Justin TV Link: http://www.justin.tv/atomic811