Heart Tests

So I went and had the echo of my heart. The tech asked why I was having it done and I told her about my fast heart rate. Soon after she started the echo she kept going back to one spot and said "Sometimes the heart can beat fast when there is heart valve damage."

Now does that mean I have heart valve damage? Who knows, I wish she didn't say it though because that is what I am thinking about now. After I asked if I could just call for the results and she was frigidity and said "Well I think the cardiologist will want to see you, so be sure to call him today and make an appointment. Again this makes me think something is wrong. I didn't call today because by the time I got home it was 3:30pm and figured they would be closing at 4pm. So I will call in the morning and make an appointment that I can actually get too since I have to have my father take me and my mom only has certain days off and has her pre-op and surgery coming up. Hopefully I can get in and hopefully nothing is wrong with my heart.

Then after the echo I had them place the 24 hour monitor on me which I am wearing right now. I had one of these when I was 16 years old and I have to say the monitor use to be the size of a giant Walkman, now it is the size of a pager from 1995. It is so much lighter. I checked to see what my heart rate was a little while ago and it was 104, which isn't that bad compared to what it usually is.

When I first got there I was having such bad anxiety I had to go pee three times, threw cold water on my face once and kept pacing around like some mental patient. I started to cry once, but managed to hold it in.

After, my mom came over for an hour and a half and we talked and watched some TV. She told me that she is scared they will want her organs so she is not donating them for the surgery, but if something really happens my father has a form from her to let them take them. I told her that this is a lifetime movie in the making. My heart is failing and I will end up with her heart. She said "Oh God...now I don't want to have surgery." and laughed some.

Tomorrow at 3pm this monitor will be over and my father will come and pick it up and bring it back to the hospital for me.

I am going to try to find something solid to eat. I have no idea what I want, but I do feel like I can eat right now so I better do it while I can. I think I will have soup.

Where is Brian?

Back in Dec. I started feeling a lump in my throat down at the base where it connects to the chest. It is not a lump you can feel with your fingers, but more on the inside. It started out as a thumping that would come and go. After about a month and a half it slowed down and seemed to be going away. Recently it has returned and become more pronounced. The feeling of it has changed though it is more of a fluttering in my throat. If anything it seems more heart related now, but I am unsure what it is or where it is coming from.

For a long time I kept blowing it off as stress related and maybe some how it is. However since it is getting worse and there now seems to be a dull pain I have made a doctors appointment for next Wednesday at 1:30pm. I assume I will have to do some tests and hopefully it is nothing to difficult like having a tube put down my throat eventually for them to look. I have enough anxiety without things like that being done to me.

I have not been on cam and I think most of the people who pop in my room don't check the blog, but for those of you who do I am not on because I do not feel very well at all and I am also scared about what is happening with my body and the last thing I want it to be on cam. So for now it is facing out the window. I don't know when or if I will return to lifecasting. I might just stick with the blog or with youtube. Having a camera on me all the time for me is a very draining experience...at least at this time.

Locally I don't have many friends and even some of the ones that I do have I have not been able to bring myself to see. The truth is I think I would break down and cry in front of them out of no place and I am not comfortable with that. Meeting new people with all this going on has been hard and since I can't be happy and a good time for them I don't want to scare them off by appearing like a complete mess. I have been very isolated for months now and it is wearing me down. Besides seeing my mom a few times the only other people I see is the cashiers at a store. Some people have offered to see me, but for reasons above I just can't bring myself to see them. I have this habit of acting. My whole life I think I have been wearing a mask for others and the truth is some of the people that think they know me..esp. if they have known me for years really don't know me at all. It was all masked by alcohol back then and being who I was at the clubs. I know some people don't understand that and I have accepted that they don't.

There is this girl from my past that I lost touch with, someone who really knows all sides of me. I never had to act around her and she was always very excepting of who I am and my limits in this life. I never felt judged by her and she never questioned my reasons for how I am or why I do what I do. If I was completely str8 I think I would have tried to marry her. We drifted apart about 6 years ago, she had her issues and I had mine. It just sorta happened. Recently I have had this little voice in my head telling me to contact her. I couldn't even remember why it was that we didn't talk. I didn't remember if she was mad at me for some reason. I use to drink a lot back then and can not remember every event in my life clearly so I was unsure if I pissed her off and that is why we drifted. Yet she is the only person I could think of that I didn't feel I had to act around. So last night I bit the bullet and contacted her.

Below is my email and her reply (with parts of her reply left out to protect her identity)

"I really need to see you and I know that request is out of no place..but I wouldn't ask unless I really needed you. I know we have drifted apart once again. But you are the only one I can think of to talk to right now and you know me better than most people on this planet. Whatever the reason you are mad at me (If you even are) I hope we can put it behind us. I could really use you in my life right now. If I did or said anything to upset you in the past whatever it was I am sorry.

Brian"

"Hi Brian,

I am not mad at you at all - I think we just drifted off again...things get busy, it happens. I would love to see you, I haven't seen you in so long. I recently moved down south in ***** County, but I still work up here. When do you want to meet? I teach ****** on Saturday until noon - would you like to have lunch afterwards? I ditched Nextel and got the iPhone - my new number is *******.

I would love to say I hope all is well, but it doesn't sound like it. Whatever it is we'll work through it.

Love,

******"

I cried my eyes out when she responded it was such a relief. I didn't really expect her to reply. So I wrote back and hopefully sometime this weekend we can see each other. She was there for me when my lung issue happened years ago and I really need someone right now..so I am hoping that this can work out.

Moving on....slowly

The other day I was able to get all the trash out of the apartment. Yesterday I moved my bed from the other bedroom to the one that has the computers in it. I just couldn't sleep in that other room anymore. Plus if someday I do end up getting a roommate I want this room because it is larger and has the internet connection.

I am actually in the process of changing most of the apartment around and right now it is a disaster because I can only do so much at a time. I still feel very wore out and every morning when I wake up I start getting heart palpitations for awhile. Then several hours later I feel better and start to clean.

I knew my apartment was a mess, but until I started moving things around I had no idea how much crap was just laying around. I think the three years we lived here we vacuumed two or three times. The last room I am going to clean is the bathroom. I feel ill cleaning bathrooms so I am putting it off.

I went to bed about 7:30pm last night and slept till 4am. So that is pretty decent. Though right now I don't feel like I slept at all.

Yesterday I also went to the corner store to get cigarettes and some food items. I was not ready to go into the supermarket with the way I was feeling. I also had not been outside since my xbf left. I have been eating more, which is good. This whole ordeal has taken a tremendous toll on my body and I will just be happy when I get back to my normal abnormal self.

I think over all I am doing pretty well for someone who was dumped after 5 years, has all the issues I have and living alone.

I tried to stop smoking, but it was too soon and the last thing I want to do is drive myself nuts, so I am holding off on that for a short while.

Yesterday we had some freezing rain here, but thankfully it turned to rain later so I think it is all melted now. I will know as soon as the sun comes up. I have such simple goals that to a normal person would seem stupid. Like today the goals are to clean more and go to the mail box on the corner to mail a few items out.

On a completely different note, if any of you have HBO, Big Love and True Blood are very good shows. You can catch up on them if you have HBO on demand. That and I saw a video yesterday on youtube that made me laugh only because it is so demented.

Warning on the youtube video though, it is not work friendly or child friendly. So I am just going to put the link and not embed it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kOBVhVEaAGQ