I went to the doctor today for my follow up appointment. I printed out a short list so I wouldn't forget to tell him anything. Below is the list:
"Every few weeks I wake up out of my sleep with my chest tingling and feeling like I am not getting any air. I usually fall back to sleep and it wakes me up a few more times. (been going on for over a year and use to do this before I had lung surgery, but had stopped)
When I wake up in the morning I feel sick to my stomach for hours before it settles down. (been going on for many years)
I feel drained of most my energy only now it is worse. (Been going on for years)
My heart still beats fast, but only during the day at night it seems to be mostly normal.
Cigarettes are making me sick now esp. when I first wake up. I feel anxiety, my heart rate increases a lot, I get shaky and I have a very general unwell feeling...later at night the cigarettes don't do this. (Been going on since I stopped xanax)
I am still not eating well, though it is better than the last time I saw you."
He had nothing to say about any of it really. When I asked what to do about the breathing spells in my sleep he said to put a board under my bed to raise it a little.
When I inhale sometimes I have congestion in my lung and I still am running low fevers of 99 to 99.5 so I did ask for an antibiotic..which are usually handed out like candy, but not today. He doesn't think I need one. Maybe I don't, but I feel so awful I am guessing at this point.
That was all. He said I could see him in a month and he prayed over me. (Him and my therapist are in the same building.)
My mother got her port put in this morning at the hospital because she is starting chemo next Friday. She is sore from that and drugged up on pain meds today. She was also a little groggy when she got home since they had to sedate her to put the port in. Tomorrow is her last day of Valtrex, her shingles are healing well so far.
The other night my father was in the basement on his computer and I went down to try to talk to him or maybe get some advice on what he would do in my situation. I didn't want to bother my mom because she was on the phone and resting on and off. I don't know why I bother trying to talk to my father, all I said was if he was me what would he do to try to get the doctors to listen about what is going on with my health.
He made his angry face which consists of pursing his lips and closing his eyes tight as he stuggles to mouth words out in and angry tone. "Talk to your doctor, not me, I don't know what is wrong with you, they say nothing is wrong with you. I think it is all up here." as he waved his hands around his head.
I asked him "why are you so angry." and he said "Look what do you want me to do?" I said "be a father and talk to me...I don't have anyone else to talk too about what is going on." and he said "Well I can't help that."
I don't know sometimes I am thinking about going back to my apartment. I don't know. I don't like being alone with all this going on, but I am sort of alone here anyway. Then I think I should stay because my mom will start chemo soon and maybe it would be better for her if I was here, esp. since my father lacks compassion towards her as well.
Thankfully late at night my heart seems to be doing well, no idea why at night it is better than during the day. I wake up and it starts and just keeps going all day. I guess that is better than when it was doing it 24/7.
I am still walking on the treadmill, today I did 14 mins. still building each day. Around 9 mins today while I was on it I got a funny feeling, but it passed and I kept walking. It felt almost like my blood pressure went high. I don't know.
I am living on mostly liquids and fruits now. Which is better than when it was all liquids. Sometimes my stomach feels OK and I eat pretty decent somedays.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Saw The New Therapist
I saw a new therapist today. She prayed before we started and said that people that found long term relief that she treated accepted the god that she prays to into their heart and that god is Jesus Christ. I wanted to laugh and die at the same time. I just said OK. I mean what do I say to that?
As she is talking about it ....all I could do was think about Jordan Maxwell, Mithra and the book Symbols, Sex, and the Stars.
There is really no other place I can go since I have no health insurance. Also I have to be seeing someone right now because I have applied for SSI again.
I am so lost. I know my heart issue is not caused by anxiety, I have been unable to get anyone to understand that and now I have people praying around me.
She said that she would teach me to like myself. I told her I do like myself. (I mean seriously it is other people I don't like.)
Todays session went something like this "How was your life in grammar school?" that is about as far as we got..oh and she only does 30 minute sessions.
As she is talking about it ....all I could do was think about Jordan Maxwell, Mithra and the book Symbols, Sex, and the Stars.
There is really no other place I can go since I have no health insurance. Also I have to be seeing someone right now because I have applied for SSI again.
I am so lost. I know my heart issue is not caused by anxiety, I have been unable to get anyone to understand that and now I have people praying around me.
She said that she would teach me to like myself. I told her I do like myself. (I mean seriously it is other people I don't like.)
Todays session went something like this "How was your life in grammar school?" that is about as far as we got..oh and she only does 30 minute sessions.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Fear Of Cancer
Tonight I was sitting in my room and had a wave of anxiety....maybe more a wave of worry. I am sitting here with my pulse going fast today about 105 resting and my hands have been purple in color on and off today. That has been happening for years...I think I have bad circulation. I remember in high school in the winter my hands would turn so purple that parts became an orange color.
Anyway so I am sitting there like that and all of a sudden I realize I don't know what I would do if I got cancer. I thought about chemo and all the needles, medication and blood work that would need to be done and how my anxiety would be so high and how I would faint. If you remember I have a big fear of fainting, blood, needles and medications.
So I am sitting there and suddenly just felt awful and scared. My hands felt shaky and like an idiot I went outside to smoke to calm my fears. It is such a paradox...hey I am so scared of getting cancer lets go smoke.
After that I was peeling two oranges to blend in the blender, my hands were still shaky and I could feel my heart racing away like normal only faster because I scared myself.
I am having a hard time dealing with my moms cancer. It brings up so many fears of mine. The worst thing right now about it is soon she will have a port put in so she can have her chemo and then come home with the chemo still going in through her port for 3 days. I am scared I am going to faint from it since I don't like needles and stuff like that. I almost wonder if I will have to go back to my apartment for the few days she has it done. Yet I am scared of being alone right now and there is no one at my apartment. I feel stuck.
I am also worried about what will happen if and when she gets sick from the chemo. I am a very sensitive person..the kind of guy that will blush if someone else trips. If she has a seizure from the drugs or has any bad reaction I am scared I will faint or be traumatized by it. Again I keep putting myself in her shoes. I am scared of it happening to me and if it does I just don't know what I will do or how I will cope.
I think people really think that when I come faced with something like that I will just do it and be OK, but I won't, even with what I am going through now health wise I can't cope well...instead of pushing the doctors for more tests I am just sitting here to scared to actually push for tests because I am too scared of the tests themselves.
I feel very squeamish by many things and it makes me physically ill just thinking about it. The only way I can explain this is imagine if their was dog poop on the ground and you see some person walk up to it and rub it all over their face as they were eating it, then trying to kiss you. That feeling right their is how I feel a great deal of time..either from my own thoughts about future fears of medical things or automatic thoughts that my brain seems to just throw at me that are very graphic.
So right now I am just writing this still feeling a bit off and not really knowing what to do. I see the therapist tomorrow at 1:30pm. I wish I felt that would help, but it never has in the 18 years that I have seen different people. I try to stay positive and hope maybe she is a nice person who will finally get me, but then I know the reality will most likely be a repeat of everything I have heard before. I think they never understand their techniques and even their medication does not work on me, at least not well.
I don't understand the lack of studies being done on anxiety issues. I mean there is a ton of the general crap we all know, but there seems to be no in depth studies really looking at all aspects of anxiety...it is not one size fits all. I also believe there has to be a common theme..I just don't feel it is really being looked at. Sometimes I wish I was not as bad off as I am or I would have finished school and did the damn studies myself. I have played with the idea of making a site someday with massive amounts of questions for people with anxiety to fill out so I could go through and see if I can find something, anything that is new or points in a different direction. The only down side of this is people lie and some idiots would just fill it out who don't really have an anxiety disorder and that would mess all the results up.
Anyway so I am sitting there like that and all of a sudden I realize I don't know what I would do if I got cancer. I thought about chemo and all the needles, medication and blood work that would need to be done and how my anxiety would be so high and how I would faint. If you remember I have a big fear of fainting, blood, needles and medications.
So I am sitting there and suddenly just felt awful and scared. My hands felt shaky and like an idiot I went outside to smoke to calm my fears. It is such a paradox...hey I am so scared of getting cancer lets go smoke.
After that I was peeling two oranges to blend in the blender, my hands were still shaky and I could feel my heart racing away like normal only faster because I scared myself.
I am having a hard time dealing with my moms cancer. It brings up so many fears of mine. The worst thing right now about it is soon she will have a port put in so she can have her chemo and then come home with the chemo still going in through her port for 3 days. I am scared I am going to faint from it since I don't like needles and stuff like that. I almost wonder if I will have to go back to my apartment for the few days she has it done. Yet I am scared of being alone right now and there is no one at my apartment. I feel stuck.
I am also worried about what will happen if and when she gets sick from the chemo. I am a very sensitive person..the kind of guy that will blush if someone else trips. If she has a seizure from the drugs or has any bad reaction I am scared I will faint or be traumatized by it. Again I keep putting myself in her shoes. I am scared of it happening to me and if it does I just don't know what I will do or how I will cope.
I think people really think that when I come faced with something like that I will just do it and be OK, but I won't, even with what I am going through now health wise I can't cope well...instead of pushing the doctors for more tests I am just sitting here to scared to actually push for tests because I am too scared of the tests themselves.
I feel very squeamish by many things and it makes me physically ill just thinking about it. The only way I can explain this is imagine if their was dog poop on the ground and you see some person walk up to it and rub it all over their face as they were eating it, then trying to kiss you. That feeling right their is how I feel a great deal of time..either from my own thoughts about future fears of medical things or automatic thoughts that my brain seems to just throw at me that are very graphic.
So right now I am just writing this still feeling a bit off and not really knowing what to do. I see the therapist tomorrow at 1:30pm. I wish I felt that would help, but it never has in the 18 years that I have seen different people. I try to stay positive and hope maybe she is a nice person who will finally get me, but then I know the reality will most likely be a repeat of everything I have heard before. I think they never understand their techniques and even their medication does not work on me, at least not well.
I don't understand the lack of studies being done on anxiety issues. I mean there is a ton of the general crap we all know, but there seems to be no in depth studies really looking at all aspects of anxiety...it is not one size fits all. I also believe there has to be a common theme..I just don't feel it is really being looked at. Sometimes I wish I was not as bad off as I am or I would have finished school and did the damn studies myself. I have played with the idea of making a site someday with massive amounts of questions for people with anxiety to fill out so I could go through and see if I can find something, anything that is new or points in a different direction. The only down side of this is people lie and some idiots would just fill it out who don't really have an anxiety disorder and that would mess all the results up.
Monday, May 25, 2009
The list of shame
So I have been keeping track of my pulse on and off. It is still running high..about 96 at rest. This afternoon I was standing outside talking to my mom and I had pressure in my head so I thought maybe my blood pressure was high so I checked. My blood pressure wasn't high, but my heart rate was 140...just from standing. This is starting to really piss me off. I see my new primary care doctor again on the 29th and I am going to let him know it is still happening. It is annoying that I am always told now that it is anxiety...sorry folks I am not nervous 24/7...and what about the days I had where it was normalish...what suddenly I was not nervous those days??
Regardless I walked on the treadmill again today. I am up to 10 minutes. I can not tell if I am out of breath or not..that is the problem with me I have a hard time telling stuff. I am asked "Are you out of breath?" and I say "No" or "I don't know." I mean after I went for years on one lung before I had surgery I did not feel breathless till the end stage of it and even then I wouldn't say I was so out of breath that I couldn't live. Sometimes I worry I have emphysema..the starting of it anyway. I am also asked if my stomach hurts or if I am nauseous, but I am not sure. I mean lets face it I have lived in a state of discomfort for so long I have no idea how I am suppose to feel. I mean sometimes I can feel a discomfort in my chest, maybe it is a mild burning, I am not sure..could be my bronchial tubes irritated from smoking...I have no clue.
So back in 1994 I was told I had ulcerative colitis and put on pills for a year. That was it no follow up, nothing else was ever said. So I assumed I just had to wait and see if it returned. For years on and off I get bad cramps on my left side. So bad I get close to fainting. Same doctor just started telling me it was IBS. So I just ignored it. Now I find out that ulcerative colitis usually causes pain on the left side and maybe that is what is hurting me. Then I find out that because I have ulcerative colitis I am supposed to have a colonscope every 2 years, because it can cause cancer and even if they find precancerous cells they remove the whole colon....well isn't that nice.
As if I don't have already have enough medical issues. Not to mention very bad phobias of medical procedures and my complete lack of trust and faith in the medical community right now.
So here is the run down of my issues both current and past:
1) High risk for colon cancer because not only do I have ulcerative colitis, but my mother has colon cancer and I am a smoker, and another issue which I will leave out for now.
2) H. Pylori infection
3) Congenital lobar emphysema
4) Kidney Reflux
5) Some unknown food intolerances that I can not find that make my heart pound and feel breathless for 2 hours after I eat some foods which include (skittles, starbursts, boost, ensure, many tv dinners, some fast foods.) It is actually a long list and when I compare ingredients there is not always a match..some how I think whatever it is is hidding in the terms "natural and artificial flavors".
6) Irritable bowel syndrome? (question mark because maybe it is the ulcerative colitis)
7) Vomiting easy
8) Sinus tachycardia
9) Panic Attacks, Anxiety, Agoraphobia and other phobias (after the list I just gave who the hell wouldn't have become a nervous wreck)
10) Pain in my right lung when I inhale since I have had surgery back in 2001
11) Sensitive to medication
All I know is for most of this I am completely on my own and I am going to have to decide what to do. In some areas I am going to have to eventually push doctors to listen up and stop saying everything is anxiety and in many of the other areas I am going to have to take control on my life and start trying to figure out how to fix myself. How I don't even know, but so far I still have my brain working so I am going to have to use it. I am also fully aware that I am going to just have to stop smoking..it just is not helping at all. Not to mention I have to many cancer risk factors now.
Regardless I walked on the treadmill again today. I am up to 10 minutes. I can not tell if I am out of breath or not..that is the problem with me I have a hard time telling stuff. I am asked "Are you out of breath?" and I say "No" or "I don't know." I mean after I went for years on one lung before I had surgery I did not feel breathless till the end stage of it and even then I wouldn't say I was so out of breath that I couldn't live. Sometimes I worry I have emphysema..the starting of it anyway. I am also asked if my stomach hurts or if I am nauseous, but I am not sure. I mean lets face it I have lived in a state of discomfort for so long I have no idea how I am suppose to feel. I mean sometimes I can feel a discomfort in my chest, maybe it is a mild burning, I am not sure..could be my bronchial tubes irritated from smoking...I have no clue.
So back in 1994 I was told I had ulcerative colitis and put on pills for a year. That was it no follow up, nothing else was ever said. So I assumed I just had to wait and see if it returned. For years on and off I get bad cramps on my left side. So bad I get close to fainting. Same doctor just started telling me it was IBS. So I just ignored it. Now I find out that ulcerative colitis usually causes pain on the left side and maybe that is what is hurting me. Then I find out that because I have ulcerative colitis I am supposed to have a colonscope every 2 years, because it can cause cancer and even if they find precancerous cells they remove the whole colon....well isn't that nice.
As if I don't have already have enough medical issues. Not to mention very bad phobias of medical procedures and my complete lack of trust and faith in the medical community right now.
So here is the run down of my issues both current and past:
1) High risk for colon cancer because not only do I have ulcerative colitis, but my mother has colon cancer and I am a smoker, and another issue which I will leave out for now.
2) H. Pylori infection
3) Congenital lobar emphysema
4) Kidney Reflux
5) Some unknown food intolerances that I can not find that make my heart pound and feel breathless for 2 hours after I eat some foods which include (skittles, starbursts, boost, ensure, many tv dinners, some fast foods.) It is actually a long list and when I compare ingredients there is not always a match..some how I think whatever it is is hidding in the terms "natural and artificial flavors".
6) Irritable bowel syndrome? (question mark because maybe it is the ulcerative colitis)
7) Vomiting easy
8) Sinus tachycardia
9) Panic Attacks, Anxiety, Agoraphobia and other phobias (after the list I just gave who the hell wouldn't have become a nervous wreck)
10) Pain in my right lung when I inhale since I have had surgery back in 2001
11) Sensitive to medication
All I know is for most of this I am completely on my own and I am going to have to decide what to do. In some areas I am going to have to eventually push doctors to listen up and stop saying everything is anxiety and in many of the other areas I am going to have to take control on my life and start trying to figure out how to fix myself. How I don't even know, but so far I still have my brain working so I am going to have to use it. I am also fully aware that I am going to just have to stop smoking..it just is not helping at all. Not to mention I have to many cancer risk factors now.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Dear Claudia
Dear Claudia,
Back in Feb. I wrote this post about you (about half way down) http://brianunderwood.blogspot.com/2009/02/where-is-brian.html
I remember writing it that day because I was so happy that you agreed to come see me. By that point in time I had been alone in my apartment for months. I was already very sick from coming off the xanax and really needed to talk to you. Just knowing that you were coming to see me was such a relief.
You said that you would see me Feb. 14th and I gave you directions to my apartment and my phone number and you gave me your cell number. You said you would be there in the afternoon.
I remember after you said you would see me I called my mom crying because I was so happy. We had been friends for such a long time. We were so close in high school and many many years after.
I had planned on my last dose of xanax being on Feb 12th, but I did not want to be a complete mess, so Feb 14th I took half a dose....my last dose. As sick as I was I took a shower and ironed some clothes. I never iron, but I had not seen you in a few years so I wanted to look decent for you. I even set my alarm to wake me up that morning so I could have time to clean my apartment up some for you.
Around 1pm I had not heard from you, but I assumed you were still teaching that water aerobics class, so I waited.
About 4pm I called your cell phone and left a voice mail for you to give me a call and let me know if you could still make it over to see me.
At 9pm I cried myself to sleep. You never showed up and you never called me back.
Feb 14th is an interesting date, see Keith and my anniversary would have been the 14th, but he left me in Nov., and if you remember many years ago we slept together on the 14th after your mother bought us that bottle of wine and I was living on Hudson Ave., of course Feb. 14th is also the last day I took xanax.
A few days later I saw you were leaving messages for people on facebook. You never even emailed me. You did not even have the decency to lie and makeup some story as to why you didn't come see me or call. You just never said anything.
Claudia, since that day when I reached out to you I have been in the ER three times, and seen three different doctors, my mother found out she had cancer, had surgery and soon with be starting chemo.
What you did hurt me deeply because I really needed a friend and little did I know soon after how much I needed one.
I am writing this because if you ever see this, as hurt as I was and am over what you did....I forgive you.
Back in Feb. I wrote this post about you (about half way down) http://brianunderwood.blogspot.com/2009/02/where-is-brian.html
I remember writing it that day because I was so happy that you agreed to come see me. By that point in time I had been alone in my apartment for months. I was already very sick from coming off the xanax and really needed to talk to you. Just knowing that you were coming to see me was such a relief.
You said that you would see me Feb. 14th and I gave you directions to my apartment and my phone number and you gave me your cell number. You said you would be there in the afternoon.
I remember after you said you would see me I called my mom crying because I was so happy. We had been friends for such a long time. We were so close in high school and many many years after.
I had planned on my last dose of xanax being on Feb 12th, but I did not want to be a complete mess, so Feb 14th I took half a dose....my last dose. As sick as I was I took a shower and ironed some clothes. I never iron, but I had not seen you in a few years so I wanted to look decent for you. I even set my alarm to wake me up that morning so I could have time to clean my apartment up some for you.
Around 1pm I had not heard from you, but I assumed you were still teaching that water aerobics class, so I waited.
About 4pm I called your cell phone and left a voice mail for you to give me a call and let me know if you could still make it over to see me.
At 9pm I cried myself to sleep. You never showed up and you never called me back.
Feb 14th is an interesting date, see Keith and my anniversary would have been the 14th, but he left me in Nov., and if you remember many years ago we slept together on the 14th after your mother bought us that bottle of wine and I was living on Hudson Ave., of course Feb. 14th is also the last day I took xanax.
A few days later I saw you were leaving messages for people on facebook. You never even emailed me. You did not even have the decency to lie and makeup some story as to why you didn't come see me or call. You just never said anything.
Claudia, since that day when I reached out to you I have been in the ER three times, and seen three different doctors, my mother found out she had cancer, had surgery and soon with be starting chemo.
What you did hurt me deeply because I really needed a friend and little did I know soon after how much I needed one.
I am writing this because if you ever see this, as hurt as I was and am over what you did....I forgive you.
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