Bad Dream

I feel well enough to post again so blog is back for now.

I had a disturbing dream last night. In the dream all I saw was the earth from a distance and heard a voice talking to me. I can't remember what the voice sounded like, but only remember the message. It told me that I have been hurt too much while I have been here and things aren't going as planned, so not to worry in a few months I will be taken home.

Let me tell you a dream like that does not help a severe anxiety disorder, now I feel freaked out and have to keep telling myself it was just a dream.

I talked to my mom on the phone, she is still in the hospital, but they say she can come home tomorrow. I am glad because I have been so lonely and not feeling well does not help when there is no one to talk to. My dad has been home, but if you have kept up with my blog you know that he is not really one to talk and tends to just get angry.

I have not been eating much over the past few days. I am not hungry at all and everything I eat is forced, because I just feel sick to my stomach. My heart rate is still running high and I am still having breathing problems. Last night though for an hour I could breathe well and that made me happy.

I am in a bad situation where my severe and I stress severe anxiety keeps me in complete lock down. I mean I even have teeth that hurt and are long over due to be fixed and I can't go. I can't even walk to the corner of the block I live on. I wake up every morning and cry on and off for hours. I have health problems that I will not push to have checked because I am too scared. It is not even about "oh you are scared, big deal suck it up." For me it is a whole body experience that takes me to levels of distress that no one should ever have to feel. I would imagine it feels the way someone would feel right before they got murdered. I have lived that experience 1000's of times over in my life and I am too run down and tired to deal with it right now. My whole body and mind seem on high alert and everything is triggering fear.

As for the physical aspect of what is going on I am scared out of my mind. I don't know what to do because I won't help myself because of the severe anxiety. The very pills to treat this are the very pills that made me this sick. Only thing is no one believes me or they seem to forget. Imagine if you were allergic to peanuts and the doctors and your own family said "Well you won't eat peanuts so you don't want help!" Then when you do eat peanuts and you become ill they all stand around you telling you "The peanuts are not making you sick. You are doing this to yourself."

I know very soon I will be given a drug and I will take it. Partly because sometimes I don't care anymore and partly to prove to them I will get sick and also so I can numb my mind to find out what is physically wrong with me. I am so scared it will get worse when I take something. Even if it doesn't make me worse then when I someday come off the new pill I will have withdrawal yet again, the same circle of people will be telling me "Its not the pill."

I hate being in this situation. A situation where if I don't take a pill I am sick and if I do take a pill I am sick. Either way I lose and just swap off what kinda sick I am.

The ignorance in this world consumes me. People take these pills and doctors prescribe theses pills and neither understand that these have been linked to sudden cardiac death, seizures and bleeding problems and a host of other horrors. A person taking them for 6 months will say "Oh I never had a seizure on them." Well good for you. They don't seem to realize the seizure can happen at anytime while on the drug. You can have a good 3 years and then have one or drop dead of cardiac arrest. The pill will never be blamed for the death. Instead a study will be done that says "People with anxiety tend to have sudden cardiac events above the general population when age, sex and smoking have been adjusted. Conclusion: People with anxiety disorders are at an increased risk of cardiac events." It is never the pills.

But then what is the answer? Esp for me. I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. By the way I am all for a natural approach and while it helps ease things it does not cure severe anxiety or severe depression. In the past 18 years I have tried so many different natural things and I can honestly tell you it is not a cure all and does not help everyone.

If I have to hear one more person talk about how they have severe anxiety, but can work, has friends and lives a simi normal life I am going to slug them. That is not severe anxiety that is called life and/or a mild to moderate anxiety problem.