October Sneakers

It always amazes me how some days are better than others. Last week I was feeling pretty good. I was confident that I could get my tetanus shot, quit smoking and finish up getting my teeth fixed. I viewed it as not so bad and that I would get through it. Now confident is the last thing I feel.

The past few days have not been so easy on me. My mind is back in some form of chaos. I have no idea what causes my down fall. Maybe it is the little things that add up or at least little things that I let get to me. Things I rather not discuss with people or sometimes when I do open up about them the lack of concern I get about an issue.

I have not drank alcohol in almost a year. But something else started a year ago after I stopped. Something that has worried me a lot. It is not the most pleasant topic. But my bowel color is way off a lot of the time. It was always normal before, I never had a problem with it. Now I get all shades. The worst being gray and sometimes almost white.

This of course last year concerned me a great deal. I looked up that it could mean liver problems and with the way I use to drink it would not have surprised me. I also read it meant that it could mean gallbladder problems. So last year despite my immense fear (to put it mildly) I had my blood taken to check my liver enzymes and I also had an ultrasound of my gallbladder, gallbladder duct, liver and pancreas. That was all ordered of course after I told my nurse of the color change and how light it was.

All the tests came back perfect. I started to think it was the xanax I was taking. So I tapered off the xanax and everything went back to normal. So I was happy. I thought problem solved. Then a few weeks later the light pale color returned. I looked at what I was eating, anything that could be causing this problem. Back when I first had the tests run I was so sick feel. Sicker than I have ever felt in my life. I can't even put into words how I felt. There was no pain just this feeling of death growing inside me, sucking every last bit of energy out of my body.

Most of the time when it happens now I don't feel sick, but sometimes I still do. I have told the nurse I see that it still occurs on and off but I get that "silly look"..the kind of look you get when you are an "anxious person". I have told my mom about it, but she not knowing hardly anything medical is no help. She usually says things like "well you can't be the only one with it." and I am sure I am not the "only one" but I would like to know what the hell is going on with my body.

It is not like I have not have had things go wrong before. Major things, like having part of my right lung removed a few months before it would have killed me. Part of this is my problem. I could push more. Demand more tests, but the truth is, I am too scared. I think the next test would be a colon scope and I know to many people it would not be that big of a deal, to me it is. Between the tetanus shot and up coming dental work as silly as it may sound I just can't add anything else to my plate.

Since this problem happens with or without taking xanax I finally went back on xanax a little over a month ago, maybe longer. I am allowed to take 3 pills a day but because of my history with substance abuse I take one pill a day. I break it in half and take half in the morning and the other half twelve hours later. On really bad days I might take three halves.

This morning in the shower I just started crying. I only allowed myself to do it for a minute or so. What I was really crying over I don't even know. I think I just feel overwhelmed. I don't feel like I am able to take care of myself. Many times I feel like my words are empty. It's funny the only people that actually listen to me are strangers. Strangers that have gone through some of my hardships or even have had more. At least they understand where I am coming from.

I am not one to live in guilt, but sometimes I can't help but feel guilty about how I complain about things when I know others are way worse off. All I have to do is get a tetanus shot (that I assume will kill me or disable me) and get a few teeth fixed. Assuming the pale bowel color really is nothing..then there is nothing wrong with me. Some people are actually dying or suffering thousands of times more than me right now. Yet here I sit, complaining and deeply upset. I don't even know sometimes why I am so upset.

Oh just so people know if you have been following my blog, I did end up taking an HIV test and it came back negative. So I don't have HIV which is a large weight off my shoulders. I also took a genetic test for Hemochromatosis (Iron Overload) and I had none of the genes for that disorder. I checked because I am of Irish descent which accounts for a large portion of people with Hemochromatosis. Not having the genes does not make it impossible not to develop it but it makes it a lot less likely.

Awhile back I wrote about a person in Cambodia that I mailed money too. We had become online friends and I just wanted to help him out. He never asked me for money, but I just felt the need to do something for someone else. He did end up getting the money and was thankful. Every so often I mail more to him. We keep in touch through e-mail.

Keith and I went to Walmart over a month ago and he bought me a pair of new sneakers. For some reason even though they were my size they really did not end up fitting. So I ended up getting a new pair. We never got around to bringing them back so I asked Keith if he would mind if I just gave them away for free. He said he didn't mind. I asked him to pick a state for me to send them too. I figured since he bought them he should pick the state. He choose New Orleans, Louisiana. So at some point this week I am going to place ad on craigslist on the New Orleans board. The first person to send me their mailing address will get them.

Maybe I am crazy. I don't know why I choose to mail things all over the country or world for that matter. Sometimes I feel I should do things for others. Other times maybe it is a selfish move on my part. Giving to burn off some Karmic debt I owe. But then if I am helping to improve my own Karma or improve my standing with God in general it is a lost cause. You have to actually give without expecting anything in return. And sometimes I am expecting less suffering and less fear.

Though I know I am not going to drink alcohol, esp. while taking xanax, sometimes I just want to be drunk or drugged out of my mind. I just want to escape myself even if it is for a little while. Other times I just want to wrap myself up in a cocoon and never come out, but that is not how life works. Tomorrow I will wake up, get out of bed and push through another day.