I dislike having crying spells. I know I am not having them because I have some "chemical imbalance", but because I am under extreme stress right now in my life.
Imagine losing a five year relationship and being alone night and day for months on end. Going through a very bad drug withdrawal [from prescribed xanax that I never abused] that doctors and family did not believe, but made you sick enough that you had to move home for four months and even though you are not alone, because you are at your parents, you are still very much alone and suffering from being so ill. Then having your mother diagnosed with cancer. Losing your cat because he got use to living at your parents during that four months and you know even when you move back to your apartment you are not well enough to care for him. Getting your old relationship back with the agreement that it will be an open relationship. Back sitting at your apartment most days alone, night and day again..to sick to be going around the town trying to find new friends.
Try being sick and having no one. I can cry on my couch and my bf can be right there. There is no "it will be OK", no hugs, no "we will get through this together." or "I will take care of you". The other morning I picked him up from work to take him back to his apartment because it is so cold out. He did thank me, but just got out of the car. No hug, no kiss on the cheek. He has depression issues and I understand that, but it still hurts...I still feel alone.
Imagine calling your mother and because she has not ever heard of some illness or some symptom you are having you just hear "Well I have never heard that before.", "That doesn't make sense." and sadly it is nothing different than what you hear from doctors, but yet you know something is wrong with your body. However because you hold your ground, because you damn well do know your body you are told "Well it sounds like anxiety.", "You are obsessed.", "You have a chemical imbalance.". I am not allowed to know my own body and stand my ground. If I do that I am neurotic. Also trying having crippling anxiety over blood work and medical procedures and doing them anyway, alone, because you do know something is wrong.
My parents hardly call me, well I should say mother because she is the only one that did anyway, not like my father ever calls me. I get food money once a week from my parents. No call saying "Hey, dad is going to drop your food money off." Just me sitting here at my computer and I hear the mail slot open as it falls through to the floor. Sometimes I feel like a trapped caged pet.
Doctors just want to know if I am under psychiatric care and if not, why not, and if so what medications I am taking to "treat my anxiety". I have lived in this body my whole life. Most of my life I have indeed had anxiety and still do. What is happening now is not my anxiety. I know my body..the world tells me I don't. I have asked before..how does one prove they are not crazy?
The stress from all of this has lead to crying spells. It comes out of pure hopelessness. I don't know where to turn and there is no one in my life to help me through. So the other morning I was sitting in my car at 6am warming it up to bring my bf back to this apartment. I suddenly noticed I was crying and doing so loudly. I was sort of shocked that I was crying for awhile and had not even realized it. Sometimes now in my head I picture a doctor coming into a room after a test and saying "You have _______.", whatever disease or illness and I really cry my eyes out over this thought, not because I am scared of said disease, but because I would feel so vindicated that it was proof it was not all in my head and not "my anxiety.".
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Saw the therapist
I went to the new therapist the other day. It is hard for me to tell at this point if she is someone I will stick with or if I will find someone else to work with. Anyone who has seen a therapist knows that the first session is mainly a lot of questions and you sitting there trying to get out as much as you can, as fast as you can to get the therapist up to speed.
The thing that left a bad taste in my mouth about her, was after explaining what had just happened to me with the xanax and also my experience with paxil her first recommendation was to put me on medication. To which I said absolutely not. I mean what take more pills that made me this sick already? Then if and when something does occur I will only be told the side effects are all in my mind and how I am only sick because I was worried I would be sick? No thank you. The last thing I want is to be forced to live back in that bedroom at my parents house as they threaten to have me put away and doctors tell me it is all "anxiety" as my body goes through some horrific experience trying to repair what the drugs damaged.
I wonder. How does one convince someone they aren't crazy? Hell even people who read this blog think half this stuff is in my head.
Yesterday, when I went to the bathroom there was some blood, so I will have to update that on my sheet for the gastro that said "no blood". My bowel color is back to a pale yellow as well. I am sure the blood is also from "my anxiety and my depression". I must have a very powerful mind. I can change my bowel color pale yellow, bleed, have high heart rates when I stand because I certainly must have a major phobia of standing now, My face goes pale out of no where ...yes indeed very powerful mind. These people are idiots and I might die at the hands of them. The scary thing is I am starting not to care if I do..I am tired.
I didn't have a xmas this year, so I bought myself two books off amazon.com I only use one of my credit cards because while there is a automatic payment that gets charged for my internet every month to my capital one card, the rest is paid off. I told my mom that I would only be using the one credit card (She however thinks she is the one who told me, but that is neither here nor there.) Anyway when I ordered the two books from amazon the card that amazon had stored I thought was my card that I use (rarely unless for food or gas), but it turned out to be the capital one card. I got a voice mail about that from my mother.
There was another time I was most likely sleeping when my mom returned my call. If you listen closely at the end you can here the "God!" as she hangs up. I don't know guys I feel sick, scared of what is happening with my health and alone a lot.
The thing that left a bad taste in my mouth about her, was after explaining what had just happened to me with the xanax and also my experience with paxil her first recommendation was to put me on medication. To which I said absolutely not. I mean what take more pills that made me this sick already? Then if and when something does occur I will only be told the side effects are all in my mind and how I am only sick because I was worried I would be sick? No thank you. The last thing I want is to be forced to live back in that bedroom at my parents house as they threaten to have me put away and doctors tell me it is all "anxiety" as my body goes through some horrific experience trying to repair what the drugs damaged.
I wonder. How does one convince someone they aren't crazy? Hell even people who read this blog think half this stuff is in my head.
Yesterday, when I went to the bathroom there was some blood, so I will have to update that on my sheet for the gastro that said "no blood". My bowel color is back to a pale yellow as well. I am sure the blood is also from "my anxiety and my depression". I must have a very powerful mind. I can change my bowel color pale yellow, bleed, have high heart rates when I stand because I certainly must have a major phobia of standing now, My face goes pale out of no where ...yes indeed very powerful mind. These people are idiots and I might die at the hands of them. The scary thing is I am starting not to care if I do..I am tired.
I didn't have a xmas this year, so I bought myself two books off amazon.com I only use one of my credit cards because while there is a automatic payment that gets charged for my internet every month to my capital one card, the rest is paid off. I told my mom that I would only be using the one credit card (She however thinks she is the one who told me, but that is neither here nor there.) Anyway when I ordered the two books from amazon the card that amazon had stored I thought was my card that I use (rarely unless for food or gas), but it turned out to be the capital one card. I got a voice mail about that from my mother.
There was another time I was most likely sleeping when my mom returned my call. If you listen closely at the end you can here the "God!" as she hangs up. I don't know guys I feel sick, scared of what is happening with my health and alone a lot.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Going to see a therapist tomorrow
Yesterday, I made an appointment with a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, also in the building they are staffed with psychiatrists. I have an appointment tomorrow at 12:15pm.
My goal is to get someone to believe what has happened to me and what is still happening to me because, then, I could maybe get a letter to a doctor that could state something like "We believe that this is not psychological, but a physiological problem.". Then, a "professional" would have stated that it is not being caused by anxiety and then maybe they would treat me better and more aggressivly look into what I have been telling them.
Also, I have a lot of issues outside some anxiety disorder that has been blown larger than life by doctors. I would like to discuss my relationship issues that I have with my boyfriend, my family issues, how it is to live as sick as I am, how to come to terms with the reality of my life, how to cope with going through all these medical tests and how to cope when and if something is found depending on what it is. Also, how to set up a support system.
I also fear my medicaid will be canceled soon and I think maybe they could give me a note stating I am unable to work at this time.
If this place is not for me I might try some place else.
I made a list this morning that I plan of taking with me to the Gastro appointment on the 25th of Jan. because even I won't remember it all or be able to get everything out in the 10 minutes I will be given. I tried to keep it as short as possible. Below is what I have:
-------------------------------
Pale bowel color on and off since 2007 (Dec. 2007 had an ultrasound of my gallbladder and liver area, that test came back normal as did my liver enzyme test) [The pale bowel color happens a lot less now that I am off Xanax and never happened before I took Xanax.]
During taper from Xanax and for 5 Months after (Jan 21st - July 2009) I vomited often, could not hold down food. Lost 30 lbs. During the same time I had bad cramps in my lower left colon and diarrhea. {Had been on xanax for a little over a year and have had anxiety for 18 years, this was NOT anxiety nor "rebound anxiety" coming off that pill made me sicker than I have EVER felt before.
Treated with Prevpac July 20th - Aug 3rd. to treat H. Pylori positive blood test done on March 28th 2009
Diarrhea became worse after Prevpac treatment Aug 3rd-Sept 20th 2009
Quit smoking Sept 18th 2009 shortly after quitting became constipated with pencil thin stool. Lower left side colon pain that comes and goes lasting a few days here and there.
Started taking Metamucil in Oct 2009- current. When I stopped I become constipated again. So I returned to taking it.
I have not seen blood and have seen no black stool.
--------------------------------------
In Sept. 1994 I had a sigmoidoscopy by my primary care doctor. He said "looks like you have a little colitis" in my medical chart it stated "Colitis vs. Chrohn's" because he wasn't sure. Six months later for unknown reasons he decided on Ulcertive colitis. After the sigmoidoscopy I was put on azulfidine and metamucil for a year. Any time I had cramping or bowel complains after that I was told I had IBS and it was all from anxiety.
Aug 2000 had Lung surgery for congenital lobar emphysema.
-------------
Current Symptoms:
I feel like my stomach is irritated and my throat burns often. This became worse after taking the prevpac.
Lower left colon pain/irritation.
I have a high standing pulse rate 110-120 standing, up from a sitting rate of 75 this happens often, but not all the time. I have a very high heart rate {140+} in the shower. After showers I often get gurgling in my stomach and sometimes loose stool. Takes an hour for my heart to come back down. This does not scare me I just know it is not normal.
After I eat my heart races and when my stomach is aggravated or my throat is burning my heart rate also races at times to 95-105bpm. Sometimes after eating I am getting an anxiety like reaction that passes an hour or so after I eat.
When I first stand up or sit down at times I get a very hard slow pounding heart beat and feel breathless for 15 seconds then it stops.
My goal is to get someone to believe what has happened to me and what is still happening to me because, then, I could maybe get a letter to a doctor that could state something like "We believe that this is not psychological, but a physiological problem.". Then, a "professional" would have stated that it is not being caused by anxiety and then maybe they would treat me better and more aggressivly look into what I have been telling them.
Also, I have a lot of issues outside some anxiety disorder that has been blown larger than life by doctors. I would like to discuss my relationship issues that I have with my boyfriend, my family issues, how it is to live as sick as I am, how to come to terms with the reality of my life, how to cope with going through all these medical tests and how to cope when and if something is found depending on what it is. Also, how to set up a support system.
I also fear my medicaid will be canceled soon and I think maybe they could give me a note stating I am unable to work at this time.
If this place is not for me I might try some place else.
I made a list this morning that I plan of taking with me to the Gastro appointment on the 25th of Jan. because even I won't remember it all or be able to get everything out in the 10 minutes I will be given. I tried to keep it as short as possible. Below is what I have:
-------------------------------
Pale bowel color on and off since 2007 (Dec. 2007 had an ultrasound of my gallbladder and liver area, that test came back normal as did my liver enzyme test) [The pale bowel color happens a lot less now that I am off Xanax and never happened before I took Xanax.]
During taper from Xanax and for 5 Months after (Jan 21st - July 2009) I vomited often, could not hold down food. Lost 30 lbs. During the same time I had bad cramps in my lower left colon and diarrhea. {Had been on xanax for a little over a year and have had anxiety for 18 years, this was NOT anxiety nor "rebound anxiety" coming off that pill made me sicker than I have EVER felt before.
Treated with Prevpac July 20th - Aug 3rd. to treat H. Pylori positive blood test done on March 28th 2009
Diarrhea became worse after Prevpac treatment Aug 3rd-Sept 20th 2009
Quit smoking Sept 18th 2009 shortly after quitting became constipated with pencil thin stool. Lower left side colon pain that comes and goes lasting a few days here and there.
Started taking Metamucil in Oct 2009- current. When I stopped I become constipated again. So I returned to taking it.
I have not seen blood and have seen no black stool.
--------------------------------------
In Sept. 1994 I had a sigmoidoscopy by my primary care doctor. He said "looks like you have a little colitis" in my medical chart it stated "Colitis vs. Chrohn's" because he wasn't sure. Six months later for unknown reasons he decided on Ulcertive colitis. After the sigmoidoscopy I was put on azulfidine and metamucil for a year. Any time I had cramping or bowel complains after that I was told I had IBS and it was all from anxiety.
Aug 2000 had Lung surgery for congenital lobar emphysema.
-------------
Current Symptoms:
I feel like my stomach is irritated and my throat burns often. This became worse after taking the prevpac.
Lower left colon pain/irritation.
I have a high standing pulse rate 110-120 standing, up from a sitting rate of 75 this happens often, but not all the time. I have a very high heart rate {140+} in the shower. After showers I often get gurgling in my stomach and sometimes loose stool. Takes an hour for my heart to come back down. This does not scare me I just know it is not normal.
After I eat my heart races and when my stomach is aggravated or my throat is burning my heart rate also races at times to 95-105bpm. Sometimes after eating I am getting an anxiety like reaction that passes an hour or so after I eat.
When I first stand up or sit down at times I get a very hard slow pounding heart beat and feel breathless for 15 seconds then it stops.
If you are suffering
If you are suffering from coming off a benzo or an antidepressant here are two lifesaving sites. Benzowithdrawal.com is the reason I am still here.
Click this link to visit Paxil Progress http://www.paxilprogress.org/forums
Click here to visit Benzowithdrawal.com http://benzowithdrawal.com
Click this link to visit Paxil Progress http://www.paxilprogress.org/forums
Click here to visit Benzowithdrawal.com http://benzowithdrawal.com
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Sleep Clinic
I went to the sleep clinic yesterday for my consultation. The people there were actually really nice.
So, they have me keeping track of my sleep on a chart for a few weeks and then I go back to see them on the 28th of January. I guess from that point they will tell me when the sleep study will be. They said they want to get me sleeping better first. They don't use medication, so that is good.
They tried to look down my throat with a mirror, but couldn't and was going to put a tube up my nose and down my throat instead, but I declined because I was worried if I fainted or had a reaction to the numbing spray no one was there. She said it wasn't a big deal anyway and they would maybe just do it another time. I think I would have been fine, but since I get freaked out by stuff like that, I just didn't want to faint since no one was with me that could drive after.
When I do the sleep study it will take 30 minutes to wire me up. They will be measuring my heart, breathing and brain waves, also the level of sleep I am in and how long I am in REM.
Over all so far they were nice, the 28th I see the "sleep psychologist", so I don't know how that will be. They do think I have a circadian rhythm and there is a decent chance I have sleep apnea.
I never updated about the pulmonologist I saw. I went and I was explaining everything that is going on, both with my heart and with my breathing issues. At first it was going good. He was listening, writing everything down and asking questions. I though OK good. I didn't dare mention the xanax because I know right away that will end any help I will get. Then he turns his computer on to look at my chart and sure enough he pulls up my March 5th 2009 ER report [That was the first ER I went too, the one that told me to "eat pizza" when I had been throwing up for weeks]. I saw things like "history of agoraphobia", "claims paxil gave him a panic attack [which by the way I never said to them at all], "took himself off xanax [it was worded like I just decided to stop and never discussed it with a doctor, which I had and I tapered.]. Anyway from that point on I might as well just had left. He informed me that benzo withdrawal lasts four days and I am thinking "Are you fucking kidding me? Even all the fools I have dealt with even admit it lasts a month.". Four days?? Yeah OK. I really don't know who tells them this and where they get these ideas, esp. since their own studies show differently.
So to "ease my mind" I am going to have a breathing test done on Jan. 20th. I told him how when I mildly exercise how fast my heart goes and how it takes a long time to recover. He said "Well, I could do a stress test, but I don't think I would find anything, so I am not inclined too." Seriously?
Anyway, so I have the breathing test the 20th. I see the gastro doctor on the 25th and then the sleep psychologist on the 28th.
I have a lot of concerns about the gastro doctor because their are tests I might need that I do not feel safe having at this time, yet I also do not feel safe not having them. For example I have a constant sick feeling in my stomach...inside it feels aggravated and raw. Also the colon issues I am having with the left side pain. I am not very comfortable having these scopes because 1) Stuff like that does cause me anxiety and worry. 2) I don't like the risks involved. 3) They would sedate me for these tests and that could cause the benzo problem to flare back up in me because it has not been 2 years yet..that would be a nightmare, back at square one with everyone telling me "Its not the benzo". I mean I just gained back all the weight I dropped and I have enough problems without something like that happening again. At the same time these problems are getting pretty bad and my mother's father did get stomach cancer around my age and was dead at 40. I think if my digestive system felt better I would feel so much better as well. I don't know what to do when it comes to that.
On a different note my mother finally called me yesterday to see how the sleep clinic went. I have decided though that I will mainly let her just call me when she wants to talk because I know when I call her half the time she is in some mood or acts like I am bothering her.
So, they have me keeping track of my sleep on a chart for a few weeks and then I go back to see them on the 28th of January. I guess from that point they will tell me when the sleep study will be. They said they want to get me sleeping better first. They don't use medication, so that is good.
They tried to look down my throat with a mirror, but couldn't and was going to put a tube up my nose and down my throat instead, but I declined because I was worried if I fainted or had a reaction to the numbing spray no one was there. She said it wasn't a big deal anyway and they would maybe just do it another time. I think I would have been fine, but since I get freaked out by stuff like that, I just didn't want to faint since no one was with me that could drive after.
When I do the sleep study it will take 30 minutes to wire me up. They will be measuring my heart, breathing and brain waves, also the level of sleep I am in and how long I am in REM.
Over all so far they were nice, the 28th I see the "sleep psychologist", so I don't know how that will be. They do think I have a circadian rhythm and there is a decent chance I have sleep apnea.
I never updated about the pulmonologist I saw. I went and I was explaining everything that is going on, both with my heart and with my breathing issues. At first it was going good. He was listening, writing everything down and asking questions. I though OK good. I didn't dare mention the xanax because I know right away that will end any help I will get. Then he turns his computer on to look at my chart and sure enough he pulls up my March 5th 2009 ER report [That was the first ER I went too, the one that told me to "eat pizza" when I had been throwing up for weeks]. I saw things like "history of agoraphobia", "claims paxil gave him a panic attack [which by the way I never said to them at all], "took himself off xanax [it was worded like I just decided to stop and never discussed it with a doctor, which I had and I tapered.]. Anyway from that point on I might as well just had left. He informed me that benzo withdrawal lasts four days and I am thinking "Are you fucking kidding me? Even all the fools I have dealt with even admit it lasts a month.". Four days?? Yeah OK. I really don't know who tells them this and where they get these ideas, esp. since their own studies show differently.
So to "ease my mind" I am going to have a breathing test done on Jan. 20th. I told him how when I mildly exercise how fast my heart goes and how it takes a long time to recover. He said "Well, I could do a stress test, but I don't think I would find anything, so I am not inclined too." Seriously?
Anyway, so I have the breathing test the 20th. I see the gastro doctor on the 25th and then the sleep psychologist on the 28th.
I have a lot of concerns about the gastro doctor because their are tests I might need that I do not feel safe having at this time, yet I also do not feel safe not having them. For example I have a constant sick feeling in my stomach...inside it feels aggravated and raw. Also the colon issues I am having with the left side pain. I am not very comfortable having these scopes because 1) Stuff like that does cause me anxiety and worry. 2) I don't like the risks involved. 3) They would sedate me for these tests and that could cause the benzo problem to flare back up in me because it has not been 2 years yet..that would be a nightmare, back at square one with everyone telling me "Its not the benzo". I mean I just gained back all the weight I dropped and I have enough problems without something like that happening again. At the same time these problems are getting pretty bad and my mother's father did get stomach cancer around my age and was dead at 40. I think if my digestive system felt better I would feel so much better as well. I don't know what to do when it comes to that.
On a different note my mother finally called me yesterday to see how the sleep clinic went. I have decided though that I will mainly let her just call me when she wants to talk because I know when I call her half the time she is in some mood or acts like I am bothering her.
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