Sometimes there is so much I want to tell you (my readers), but I just don't know how without sounding crazy. Some of the stuff is based on a deep down profound feeling I have and I am sure many of you have as well. There is so much information that has to come out of me, yet I just don't know the proper medium to do it and like I already said..I don't even know how to say it.
This blog, I have used to express some of my most darkest feelings. I have had to ignore the little worry in the back of my head telling me I will be judged. I find as soon as you have an opinion half the world will hate you. I hold many opinions and with as much as I have said... I am holding back.
You would be surprised how many emails I have received or even people I have opened up too that just don't get me. Some people are upset that my blog is so dark, that I am so dark, yet no one makes anyone read it, no one is forced to speak to me or agree with me. I am not here to shine the light into peoples faces and welcome them into a world of joy and comfort. I am here to express the horror, pain, suffering and injustice that goes on, not only in my life, but in many peoples lives..I am the mirror that reflects that back to you. I will change for no one. Even if that means making choices (refusing treatments) in my life that might kill me off sooner...there are worse things than death in this world and while I have a fear of death...I fear suffering more and the ignorance of others...my worst fear...suffering in the ignorance of others.
Some people like to "think positive" and there is a time and a place, but for lack of a better word, you (myself included) have become domesticated. We have so many thoughts that contradict, these thoughts are fed to us, by TV, magazines, friends, family, doctors ect. There is so much noise. Mother says to child "Why are you crying, be a big boy, no one else is crying." same mother says "Well just because everyone else is doing it.....(fill in the blank)". She is conditioned, you are conditioned, I am conditioned. The difference between me and I think some of my readers is we know it. I am a domesticated, conditioned human and I hate it, because I can now see it for what it is. I hate every breath I take in this state because it is nothing short of a jail cell that my mind and your mind has been locked in.
How many times has your gut told you not to do something, but other people, be they friend, doctors..what have you, have said "better to be safe than sorry." that line instills a fear..it is a nudge, a push to do their will. Why did you ever stop listening to that little voice? I think because I don't listen to mine or even just because I question my internal voice, that is why I have anxiety and mentally suffer.
Something might scare you, but if you really need it you will do it with no coaching. I was scared of my lung surgery, at the time death would be the only out come without the surgery. That made my choice easy, sure I was scared, however I had no doubt in my choice.
You must in this society be something, do something or people are confused, upset or you are seen as crazy or weird. "What time did you go to sleep?" "Noon" is met with "omg why?","why haven't you been to bed yet" I mean the list goes on and on..but whats it to them? Who sets the times to sleep? Who sets the times to eat? What to eat?
"Are you a student?" "Do you work?" reply "No and no" to which "Well what do you do?"...."Nothing" this will cause the most probing questions...after all we "must" do something.
I think some people get where I am going in this post and others not so much and that is ok. Like I said I have so much to say and I think I am losing my concern of being seen as completely crazy. So things eventually might start being posted or said that may or may not make you comfortable, maybe will seem boring or maybe just not for you. All that is ok. Someone once said "Nothing that is ever said is true...including what I am saying right now."
My mind like yours is fluid, what is right for me this year, may not be right for me the next, opinions change, so don't look to me for your answer. I promise you the key that unlocks me from my cell will not open your door. You have to find your own key. "I" the person who lives inside my mine is simply watching all this unfold. I can guide, but I can't save you, only you can do that.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Death Phobia
I have successfully upset myself the past two mornings. I have a pretty strong death fear which is why the "xanax/paxil extension cord" event (see video on the side bar of this blog for that story) was out of no place and the withdrawal completely changed me at that time.
I have many fears not just of death, but also of suffering. I don't want to be helpless in some nursing home or crippled either. Death worries me because if there is nothing, that is the end of me...of course if there is nothing after I won't feel upset about it because I will be gone, however for now I am alive and can worry about this. I actually cry over this in the shower or while driving or whenever ..I think about this often actually.
I will be gone from this Earth and to be honest I am such a wonderful person. I don't think anyone has truly seen that about me yet. I have so much to offer and I am always so sick. I know death will come early for me. It is so sad and no amount of "try not to think about it" or "find God" will help me...no matter what I do or what anyone says ..I will disappear forever...I was here and someday no one will ever know I was. It will be like I never existed at all.
I have many fears not just of death, but also of suffering. I don't want to be helpless in some nursing home or crippled either. Death worries me because if there is nothing, that is the end of me...of course if there is nothing after I won't feel upset about it because I will be gone, however for now I am alive and can worry about this. I actually cry over this in the shower or while driving or whenever ..I think about this often actually.
I will be gone from this Earth and to be honest I am such a wonderful person. I don't think anyone has truly seen that about me yet. I have so much to offer and I am always so sick. I know death will come early for me. It is so sad and no amount of "try not to think about it" or "find God" will help me...no matter what I do or what anyone says ..I will disappear forever...I was here and someday no one will ever know I was. It will be like I never existed at all.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Three Emails To Ben
Below are 3 emails I wrote this morning to my friend Ben. I did not include his replies to me because I did not ask if it was ok. However you can pretty much figure out things he asked by my own replies to him.
------------------------------
Email 1:
I never ended up falling asleep instead I upset myself and cried for an hour, Keith called me from work I cried to him on his 15 min break...he told me not to worry, I do anyway about a lot of stuff. I read a blog about secretly wanting to suffer. I posted it on facebook, maybe on some level I do want to suffer, even if I don't.
I have decided to go to bed when I cant stay up anymore.
I was crying because I don't feel my body is working correctly or as well as I want it too. This of course weighs on my mind. And even if it is "broke" not like I can do anything about it today so no idea why I dwell on it.
I am aware that on some level I am unbalanced.
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Email 2:
Thanks for offering for me to cry on you and stuff, you are right though I wont. I am interesting when it comes to that...my mind will be "normal" and pull itself together around "new" people. I have no control over it, so its not like I am acting, it just refuses to let things go. I think that is why I have a hard time at therapists as well. I lose contact with that is upsetting me and become someone else..which is why one time I wrote stuff out and gave it to the therapist and she said "I don't really like to read things...I rather just talk in person" lol...hmm ok then here is forced, fake me hehe..
Yea I spent some time thinking about the "wanting to suffer" thing...I found it because on google I searched "I secretly want to suffer" only because someone a long time ago told me I did and that article came up.
On some level I must want too, but also I think I am in a very high state of survival instinct. I guess if normal people are a 3, I am a 9 or 10 on the dial. Any thing that my brain deems as dangerous will cause a great deal of stress for me...now with something bad actually happening to me, no doctor believing me and my fear of the medical tests, all the unknown has my brain on high alert...also the benzo withdrawal was so awful on many levels..I am traumatized over it still, I don't know if anything I feel is still damage from that or something new happening to me, completely unrelated and that "unknown" generates my brain to stay active and not relax ever.
I mean my very first thought as soon as I woke up today was "Crap, I hope Propofol isn't cross reactive with Demerol." (its not), but that just shows a brain on overdrive...trying to think fast enough to save "the self" from injury or death..in the process it is causing depression, anxiety and discomfort. Because the doctors were all so ill informed about prolonged benzo withdrawal and I had to go through that suffering without help, now its like my brain is trying to learn at lightning speed to out think the doctors and no more than them because inside I am worried I have too because like before they wont help me, believe me, or understand what has happened. I also fear damage from a medical test like a stroke or what not because it will take away my ability to out think them and help myself...only to be at their mercy.
Yea and that is the thing. I know it can take so long to recover from the benzo thing, so I worry if I get a test and some drug used flares it back up, then I will be very upset esp. if the test comes back normal...and on the other side of the coin what if I assume it to be benzo related, ignore it, don't do a test and end up sorry later because I was wrong. I am always worried about picking the wrong choice.
I dont think a lot of people care about me. On some level I guess some do, but I wouldn't say alot...I find most people care about me, but not enough to understand me or deal with my issues. The other problem is I keep myself isolated. People at times offer help and I don't take it..I think if I ran out of all options I would...its not even a pride thing...it is more of my anxiety controlling me thing. It is hard to explain. I still think I am unbalanced hehe.
Don't get too upset over how I feel. I go in and out of emotions and this year I seem to do it very rapidly. I can spend an hour crying, then feel ok, then feel depressed only to wonder why I am so scared and then accept life for how it is, then only an hour later scared and crying again...its actually very tiring...I would worry about being bipolar, but I am never manic or even have hypomania and I seem to cycle more rapidly than other bipolars I read about lol.
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Email 3:
I think I might go to bed soon...maybe I am not sure. I was fine, then I had some gurgling in my stomach and it reminded me that I will have to maybe have tests that require sedation, that brought up all the benzo withdrawal stuff and fear of hemorrhage during or after the test (from colonoscopy and endoscopy). What scares me is even after the test is over it wouldn't be for me, some people hemorrhage days later and almost die requiring transfusions. With my blood phobia and fainting phobia..I don't know how I would cope with all those days of worrying and also if that accually was to happen to me, I am not sure I would mentally ever recover. I have a hard time recovering from small stuff.
I know these things actually happen to people because of course I have read about them happening..either written by themselves or a spouse ect ect.
The weird thing is on a rational level I know that all the worrying in the world will not change an outcome. For example when I see a dentist I am worried for weeks before that I will faint or something bad like a major side effect will happen (many people don't know if they inject the local anesthetic wrong and too much gets directly into the blood stream it can cause a seizure to occur). So anyway, I worry myself sick and usually throw up before I even go, sleep and eat poorly the day before and day of...I suffer and then I go. However I know my suffering and worry will not prevent a side effect, an error or a fainting spell from happening. Yet I worry anyway and get upset because it almost feels like if I don't I am just asking for something bad to happen.
It reminds me of a story I read a month or so ago of this 20 year old something guy who was all excited about being in the military. He had to have his gallbladder out though and his mom was all worried and he said "mom this is simple, they do it everyday" he had no worries at all.
During the surgery they cut an artery and he lost so much blood so fast and they couldn't get him help fast enough. They had to take off both his legs. He came to in ICU legless and his military career over before it started. His mother said he was badly depressed and his girlfriend was very upset. Someone could tell me about how most gallbladder surgeries go fine, but it will never matter to me because that boy as no legs and as I write this he still has no legs and 10 years from now he still won't.
Kinda like when people say well only 1 in a 100 or 1 in 1000 die from "fill in the blank" procedure or medication. They make you feel bad for worrying about it, but someone will die and their life will be gone. People and by people I mean my mother and maybe people I have dated or close friends act like that is everyone else it will happen too, but it wont happen to me. I try to explain to them I am no more special than anyone else. It could happen to me.
See stuff like this worries me
"40,000 Auto Accident Deaths; 200,000 Preventable Medical Error Deaths Every Year
The numbers emerging from a recent investigation by Hearst Newspapers are absolutely staggering: nearly 200,000 Americans are dying every year from died from medical mistakes that could have been prevented, often using simple safety procedures."
You can find the same number, (some a little less) reported by different studies. However lets cut the number in half ..say 100,000 people. People were all wigged out by 9/11 and 3000 dying ..that is like 33 9/11's happening every year almost 3 a month and that is with the number of medical deaths from mistakes cut in half.
I get very upset when I can't fix myself because the honest, truth is I lost faith in the medical community before my xanax withdrawal and now after I have none left. I need their tests sometimes, but I don't trust them to give them to me, which puts me in a bad spot.
Again I realize I can talk till I am blue in the face about this and worry nonstop, but it won't change the outcome. I think sometimes that is what I am trying to do, control the outcome and stop the unstoppable by controlling the uncontrollable.
------------------------------
Email 1:
I never ended up falling asleep instead I upset myself and cried for an hour, Keith called me from work I cried to him on his 15 min break...he told me not to worry, I do anyway about a lot of stuff. I read a blog about secretly wanting to suffer. I posted it on facebook, maybe on some level I do want to suffer, even if I don't.
I have decided to go to bed when I cant stay up anymore.
I was crying because I don't feel my body is working correctly or as well as I want it too. This of course weighs on my mind. And even if it is "broke" not like I can do anything about it today so no idea why I dwell on it.
I am aware that on some level I am unbalanced.
-------------------------------------------------------
Email 2:
Thanks for offering for me to cry on you and stuff, you are right though I wont. I am interesting when it comes to that...my mind will be "normal" and pull itself together around "new" people. I have no control over it, so its not like I am acting, it just refuses to let things go. I think that is why I have a hard time at therapists as well. I lose contact with that is upsetting me and become someone else..which is why one time I wrote stuff out and gave it to the therapist and she said "I don't really like to read things...I rather just talk in person" lol...hmm ok then here is forced, fake me hehe..
Yea I spent some time thinking about the "wanting to suffer" thing...I found it because on google I searched "I secretly want to suffer" only because someone a long time ago told me I did and that article came up.
On some level I must want too, but also I think I am in a very high state of survival instinct. I guess if normal people are a 3, I am a 9 or 10 on the dial. Any thing that my brain deems as dangerous will cause a great deal of stress for me...now with something bad actually happening to me, no doctor believing me and my fear of the medical tests, all the unknown has my brain on high alert...also the benzo withdrawal was so awful on many levels..I am traumatized over it still, I don't know if anything I feel is still damage from that or something new happening to me, completely unrelated and that "unknown" generates my brain to stay active and not relax ever.
I mean my very first thought as soon as I woke up today was "Crap, I hope Propofol isn't cross reactive with Demerol." (its not), but that just shows a brain on overdrive...trying to think fast enough to save "the self" from injury or death..in the process it is causing depression, anxiety and discomfort. Because the doctors were all so ill informed about prolonged benzo withdrawal and I had to go through that suffering without help, now its like my brain is trying to learn at lightning speed to out think the doctors and no more than them because inside I am worried I have too because like before they wont help me, believe me, or understand what has happened. I also fear damage from a medical test like a stroke or what not because it will take away my ability to out think them and help myself...only to be at their mercy.
Yea and that is the thing. I know it can take so long to recover from the benzo thing, so I worry if I get a test and some drug used flares it back up, then I will be very upset esp. if the test comes back normal...and on the other side of the coin what if I assume it to be benzo related, ignore it, don't do a test and end up sorry later because I was wrong. I am always worried about picking the wrong choice.
I dont think a lot of people care about me. On some level I guess some do, but I wouldn't say alot...I find most people care about me, but not enough to understand me or deal with my issues. The other problem is I keep myself isolated. People at times offer help and I don't take it..I think if I ran out of all options I would...its not even a pride thing...it is more of my anxiety controlling me thing. It is hard to explain. I still think I am unbalanced hehe.
Don't get too upset over how I feel. I go in and out of emotions and this year I seem to do it very rapidly. I can spend an hour crying, then feel ok, then feel depressed only to wonder why I am so scared and then accept life for how it is, then only an hour later scared and crying again...its actually very tiring...I would worry about being bipolar, but I am never manic or even have hypomania and I seem to cycle more rapidly than other bipolars I read about lol.
-----------------------------------------------------
Email 3:
I think I might go to bed soon...maybe I am not sure. I was fine, then I had some gurgling in my stomach and it reminded me that I will have to maybe have tests that require sedation, that brought up all the benzo withdrawal stuff and fear of hemorrhage during or after the test (from colonoscopy and endoscopy). What scares me is even after the test is over it wouldn't be for me, some people hemorrhage days later and almost die requiring transfusions. With my blood phobia and fainting phobia..I don't know how I would cope with all those days of worrying and also if that accually was to happen to me, I am not sure I would mentally ever recover. I have a hard time recovering from small stuff.
I know these things actually happen to people because of course I have read about them happening..either written by themselves or a spouse ect ect.
The weird thing is on a rational level I know that all the worrying in the world will not change an outcome. For example when I see a dentist I am worried for weeks before that I will faint or something bad like a major side effect will happen (many people don't know if they inject the local anesthetic wrong and too much gets directly into the blood stream it can cause a seizure to occur). So anyway, I worry myself sick and usually throw up before I even go, sleep and eat poorly the day before and day of...I suffer and then I go. However I know my suffering and worry will not prevent a side effect, an error or a fainting spell from happening. Yet I worry anyway and get upset because it almost feels like if I don't I am just asking for something bad to happen.
It reminds me of a story I read a month or so ago of this 20 year old something guy who was all excited about being in the military. He had to have his gallbladder out though and his mom was all worried and he said "mom this is simple, they do it everyday" he had no worries at all.
During the surgery they cut an artery and he lost so much blood so fast and they couldn't get him help fast enough. They had to take off both his legs. He came to in ICU legless and his military career over before it started. His mother said he was badly depressed and his girlfriend was very upset. Someone could tell me about how most gallbladder surgeries go fine, but it will never matter to me because that boy as no legs and as I write this he still has no legs and 10 years from now he still won't.
Kinda like when people say well only 1 in a 100 or 1 in 1000 die from "fill in the blank" procedure or medication. They make you feel bad for worrying about it, but someone will die and their life will be gone. People and by people I mean my mother and maybe people I have dated or close friends act like that is everyone else it will happen too, but it wont happen to me. I try to explain to them I am no more special than anyone else. It could happen to me.
See stuff like this worries me
"40,000 Auto Accident Deaths; 200,000 Preventable Medical Error Deaths Every Year
The numbers emerging from a recent investigation by Hearst Newspapers are absolutely staggering: nearly 200,000 Americans are dying every year from died from medical mistakes that could have been prevented, often using simple safety procedures."
You can find the same number, (some a little less) reported by different studies. However lets cut the number in half ..say 100,000 people. People were all wigged out by 9/11 and 3000 dying ..that is like 33 9/11's happening every year almost 3 a month and that is with the number of medical deaths from mistakes cut in half.
I get very upset when I can't fix myself because the honest, truth is I lost faith in the medical community before my xanax withdrawal and now after I have none left. I need their tests sometimes, but I don't trust them to give them to me, which puts me in a bad spot.
Again I realize I can talk till I am blue in the face about this and worry nonstop, but it won't change the outcome. I think sometimes that is what I am trying to do, control the outcome and stop the unstoppable by controlling the uncontrollable.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Failed Experiment
OK, so a little while back I said that I would try making little recording like a podcast of stuff going on in my daily life. It didn't work out so well, but I will post what I have. It is quite awful actually, but I am not one to hide my messiness, so I will post it anyway. I don't even think the audio came out right. I took the first 11 and put it all on one clip and then there are some others...each is a minute to 5 minutes long. I think it is a failed experiment though, or who knows I might try something different in the future. Keep in mind these recordings were about a month ago.
All the rest if you care to listen can be found here http://www.youtube.com/user/brianhealth If you listened to all these you just finished video 15, so when you go to the youtube link just start with video 16.
All the rest if you care to listen can be found here http://www.youtube.com/user/brianhealth If you listened to all these you just finished video 15, so when you go to the youtube link just start with video 16.
Versed
Sometimes I feel like I am having a nervous breakdown, maybe I am having one, who knows. I am tired of having to deal with and worry about everything. I am having major digestive issues among other issues that I have mentioned in the past.
I have to take metamucil or I can't go to the bathroom, that started after I quit smoking, I became so constipated since I quit, before I quit I was having cramps and diarrhea. The lower left side of my colon at times is sore. When I had cramps in the past (which thankfully I haven't had recently) they can be so intense I almost pass out.
I get so bloated over the past few months I think that is what is making me breathless. My stomach can be flat when I wake up and by bedtime I look 9 months pregnant. When I sit up on the couch to get up to go to the kitchen I have to wait 10 seconds or more, I can't just stand up, the pressure causes my heart to race, I hope its the bloating causing that.
The slightest movements sometimes causes my heart to race. (Thankfully nothing like it was during the worst part of benzo withdrawal). No matter what I eat, I bloat and also my throat burns and sometimes when I try to burp I can feel food coming back up my throat. This all matches Acid reflux, GERD, IBS, Ulcertive colitis (which my past idiot doctor, back in 1994 thinks I might have had, only he isn't sure and never sent me to a gastro, some where on this blog is that story about the "maybe" Ulcertive colitis.), it also matches things like stomach cancer, so that is not cool esp. since that runs in my family.
So now people would say "You need a colonoscopy and an endoscopy." Only I have to be sedated for that and I can not be (and by have to be sedated I mean I am not the type that can do that not sedated). If you are not familiar with the type on benzo withdrawal I went through watch my video and also read up on sites like benzowithdrawal.com. (Well I can be sedated, just not with a benzo.)
They usually use a drug called "Versed" only that is a benzo. So, I am left with a drug called "Propofol", you may have heard of that drug because it was one of the drugs that helped kill Michael Jackson... granted it was very abused in his case. However I have concerns because if I was to use that drug there is a larger risk than Versed of having a bad outcome and there is no guarantee that that drug won't scramble me anyway, since it also works on the neurotransmitter GABA.
I am in a situation where I can tell a doctor all these concerns till I am blue in the face only they don't care, because, up till now, I have not found one who believes me. So they just try to poo poo my concerns because they honestly believe I have no idea what I am talking about and its all "just stress". I have major stress alright, but its stress and anxiety being generated by not being heard, believed and worked with. It is stress and anxiety from knowing something is wrong and no one believing me.
The level of stress I am under can be summed up by the fact that this morning my first thought as soon as my eyes opened was "Crap, I hope Propofol isn't cross reactive with Demerol." This was a concern because I can not take Demerol. I had a bad reaction to it in 2000 right before my lung surgery. However from what I have read today I gather that Demerol and Propofol are not in the same family.
I would now like to take sometime to give you some peoples experiences on "Versed" and "Propofol" I will do "Versed" first:
1) Disorientation, anxiety, PANIC. Totally bad reaction, totally unnecessary. They asked me if I was nervous or tense and I said no. This procedure was actually minor compared to a couple I had in the past. Five minutes later the guy just up and puts the stuff in the IV while using the "something to relax you" line. WHY ??? After what seemed like five minutes of ever increasing anxiety, I found myself in recovery and very shaken. Bad drug and BAD PEOPLE who push it.
2) It's been 5 years and i still suffer from anxiety attacks from this poison. This drug should be banned by the FDA it's dangerous!!!!
3) It just flat DID NOT WORK. I kept telling them that if this was semi sedation..I wanted something else. It has been maintained I won't remember it tomorrow. But the tears that streamed down my face while they did the work.. I won't forget. I have taken it to calm me down before a D and C because of a miscarriage. They gave it to me and even into the second dose, it didn't help. I thought maybe it was just ME but it appears it doesn't work for a LOT Of people.
4) Dizziness, nausea, sweating, very low blood pressure. I was given this medication not to be put to sleep but to be awake and drugged during surgery. I felt horrendous pain when the doctor was doing the procedure. When I came out of it, I was dizzy, sweating profusely and nauseous. My blood pressure was 60/20. I tried to throw up, but nothing came out. At that point I started to pray, I had the feeling that I was going to die. I was in recovery for 4 hours, while everyone else was leaving after 20 minutes. I will never ever take this drug again. At 2:00 a.m. I woke up and my arms and legs were numb, I thought I was having a stroke. Patients, BEWARE!!!
5) I had asked the Gastro. Dr. to not give me the amnesia causing drug - just the pain killer (fentanyl) He referred me to the Center where the procedure would be done. I also discussed my wishes with the Nurse who would be administering the meds. the day before I went in when she called to fill out paperwork and "answer any questions". The day of I reiterated my wishes. I signed no consent for anything other than the colonoscopy. The response from every one of these "professionals" when I requested to be awake and aware was "no you don't". Then they would continue on - I felt like the 2 yr. old victim of lousy parents my wishes and request were dismissed out of hand. Now I am having nightmares, anxiety, anger, insomnia and flashbacks. Before this I never had any problem sleeping, never anxiety problems either. I'm also not able to let it go and get on with life. I have no doubt that I would have had no problem with just the fentanyl as I have given
6) Versed totally ERASED a co-worker's daughter's memory. Surgery was in Apr 09 at the Mayo Clinic. She still does not have her memory back (Sep 09) and might not ever. The FDA should be removing this drug from its arsenal immediately!!
7) I was awake but totally paralyzed. I felt every move, every turn, I tried fruitlessly to scream out for help and demand some pain meds. It was the worst experience of my entire life. Like being in an Iron Maiden...Whoever approved this drug for use on people should be shot!! A great way to torture someone and have them unable to do or say anything about it. They say that this takes away bad memories of any pain...why not give the patient pain meds and skip the Versed. DO NOT LET ANYONE GIVE YOU THIS CRAP....You'll regret it for the rest of your life!!
8) PTSD symptoms, lasting for months post-procedure, never experienced before in my life.
9) More anxiety than I ever felt before, mad as hell, fighting, swearing, telling all my secrets. My girlfriend says they wouldn't let her in, but she could hear me fighting and yelling and things crashing all the way down the hall. They never told me this would happen or said anything about amnesia or truth serum. I am a man who doesn't need some drug like this. It was only going to relax my muscles. This is a serious freak out drug.
10) Agitation, flashbacks, panic, uneasiness, sense of dread.
11) I recall gagging some during the procedure. It was unpleasant. For weeks afterward, I had strange panic attacks. These were preceded by a strange feeling of trying to recall something (like a person's name) but the memory never focused.
12) Severe agitation, couldn't move or speak and I was in pain, severe memory loss that persists today, 2 months later.
13) Something is seriously wrong with this drug. DON'T GET VERSED. they told me it was to relax you, they lied. It's to make you forget. My gastro admitted that they don't tell patients the truth about this drug.
14) My side effects were livid furious anger, paranoia (what happened to make me so angry?) and insomnia. Despite 9 units of Versed (and 100 of Fentenayl) I was fully awake and my memory was again functional within 25 minutes of the initial dose. In other words my brain fought off this drug quite well. The problem was that it knew something happened to it and has been trying to recreate those "just under the surface" memories now for three months. In fact my brain has uncovered much of what happened during the procedure. I am sitting here again at midnight in one of a continuous number of sleepless nights caused by my now hyperactive brain. My wife finally talked me into going in to see someone and I have been diagnosed with PTSD. I now am taking anti-depressants to prepare my brain to better accept therapy. How could this happen to someone with NO prior mental health issues in 50 years of life??? From a very simple medical procedure.
15) Several years ago I was given Versed for a colonoscopy with terrible effects. I couldn't talk or scream but felt every centimeter of the probing. My doctor said that next time he would give me more. Obviously there was something wrong with this. I went to Barnes and Noble and took out four drug books, and found in one there were four pages of side effects including paralyzing of the throat, tongue, mouth and more. My doctor had never "heard" of this. I make sure in any surgery that I do not have Versed.
Here is more information on "Versed". http://versedbusters.blogspot.com/
OK and now for the "Propofol" experiences:
1) Catastrophic loss of memory, dizziness, inability to function at normal cognitive level. I woke up from anesthetic and was euphoric. My problems started as the anesthesia wore off. I became dizzy and disorientated and unable to think logically or remember correctly. After 2 days I rang the doctor, and could remember my name but not my date of birth. I lost all higher cognitive function. I stopped going out. I couldn't any way as I had no mind maps I could follow. I could see my front door and "see" the place I wanted to go but couldn't visualize a route from memory. I could not compute; if I picked up two packs of meat in a shop I could not work out which was better value. A 2 year nightmare, and then a 2 year recuperation.
2) It is more than two months and my memory and abilities to concentrate, read, think, formulate thoughts - are crippled. Worse than a brain injury, because I know precisely what happened. My thoughts are less cohesive and sincerely believe this is not a product that should be used. Much less administered during a 'minor' surgery. I was told by the surgeon that he had to wake me a few times - but now that I have read some of the others comments here - perhaps, he was rousing me from the 'dead'... I have no recollection of being waken during the surgery. I will not take this again, nor will I recommend it to anyone. It does affect the brain's abilities. BEWARE! I had 'joked' with another doctor only earlier in the week, "Just don't give me what they gave Michael Jackson!" And lo and behold, that is exactly what they did! I had only received it one day for surgery.
3) EXTREME pain (not just a sting) when it went in. I screamed and fussed at them and told them they could have warned me and the pain in my arm was absolutely the worst I've EVER felt-no exaggerating. Then while I was talking to them I stopped breathing while still awake...the nurses were telling me to 'just breathe' and I was waving my arms around and pointing at my mouth and throat to let them know I couldn't...I was WIDE AWAKE and suffocating and they weren't even looking at the monitors.They should warn people of things that could possibly happen as a result of this drug. The surgical center dismissed my complaints and said they 'were sorry I had the perception' that something went wrong. Maybe nobody told them what could happen. When I woke up my surgeon told me,"Well, you're alive."
4) Just a "little to relax you"....what a bunch of BS....6 months later and i remember the agony but have lost long term memory.
5) Severe nervousness, tremor, difficulty breathing. feeling of a chemical straight jacket.....frozen unable to move while suffering and unable to move as they laughed and said: "she won't remember"...I did and it was awful.
I have to take metamucil or I can't go to the bathroom, that started after I quit smoking, I became so constipated since I quit, before I quit I was having cramps and diarrhea. The lower left side of my colon at times is sore. When I had cramps in the past (which thankfully I haven't had recently) they can be so intense I almost pass out.
I get so bloated over the past few months I think that is what is making me breathless. My stomach can be flat when I wake up and by bedtime I look 9 months pregnant. When I sit up on the couch to get up to go to the kitchen I have to wait 10 seconds or more, I can't just stand up, the pressure causes my heart to race, I hope its the bloating causing that.
The slightest movements sometimes causes my heart to race. (Thankfully nothing like it was during the worst part of benzo withdrawal). No matter what I eat, I bloat and also my throat burns and sometimes when I try to burp I can feel food coming back up my throat. This all matches Acid reflux, GERD, IBS, Ulcertive colitis (which my past idiot doctor, back in 1994 thinks I might have had, only he isn't sure and never sent me to a gastro, some where on this blog is that story about the "maybe" Ulcertive colitis.), it also matches things like stomach cancer, so that is not cool esp. since that runs in my family.
So now people would say "You need a colonoscopy and an endoscopy." Only I have to be sedated for that and I can not be (and by have to be sedated I mean I am not the type that can do that not sedated). If you are not familiar with the type on benzo withdrawal I went through watch my video and also read up on sites like benzowithdrawal.com. (Well I can be sedated, just not with a benzo.)
They usually use a drug called "Versed" only that is a benzo. So, I am left with a drug called "Propofol", you may have heard of that drug because it was one of the drugs that helped kill Michael Jackson... granted it was very abused in his case. However I have concerns because if I was to use that drug there is a larger risk than Versed of having a bad outcome and there is no guarantee that that drug won't scramble me anyway, since it also works on the neurotransmitter GABA.
I am in a situation where I can tell a doctor all these concerns till I am blue in the face only they don't care, because, up till now, I have not found one who believes me. So they just try to poo poo my concerns because they honestly believe I have no idea what I am talking about and its all "just stress". I have major stress alright, but its stress and anxiety being generated by not being heard, believed and worked with. It is stress and anxiety from knowing something is wrong and no one believing me.
The level of stress I am under can be summed up by the fact that this morning my first thought as soon as my eyes opened was "Crap, I hope Propofol isn't cross reactive with Demerol." This was a concern because I can not take Demerol. I had a bad reaction to it in 2000 right before my lung surgery. However from what I have read today I gather that Demerol and Propofol are not in the same family.
I would now like to take sometime to give you some peoples experiences on "Versed" and "Propofol" I will do "Versed" first:
1) Disorientation, anxiety, PANIC. Totally bad reaction, totally unnecessary. They asked me if I was nervous or tense and I said no. This procedure was actually minor compared to a couple I had in the past. Five minutes later the guy just up and puts the stuff in the IV while using the "something to relax you" line. WHY ??? After what seemed like five minutes of ever increasing anxiety, I found myself in recovery and very shaken. Bad drug and BAD PEOPLE who push it.
2) It's been 5 years and i still suffer from anxiety attacks from this poison. This drug should be banned by the FDA it's dangerous!!!!
3) It just flat DID NOT WORK. I kept telling them that if this was semi sedation..I wanted something else. It has been maintained I won't remember it tomorrow. But the tears that streamed down my face while they did the work.. I won't forget. I have taken it to calm me down before a D and C because of a miscarriage. They gave it to me and even into the second dose, it didn't help. I thought maybe it was just ME but it appears it doesn't work for a LOT Of people.
4) Dizziness, nausea, sweating, very low blood pressure. I was given this medication not to be put to sleep but to be awake and drugged during surgery. I felt horrendous pain when the doctor was doing the procedure. When I came out of it, I was dizzy, sweating profusely and nauseous. My blood pressure was 60/20. I tried to throw up, but nothing came out. At that point I started to pray, I had the feeling that I was going to die. I was in recovery for 4 hours, while everyone else was leaving after 20 minutes. I will never ever take this drug again. At 2:00 a.m. I woke up and my arms and legs were numb, I thought I was having a stroke. Patients, BEWARE!!!
5) I had asked the Gastro. Dr. to not give me the amnesia causing drug - just the pain killer (fentanyl) He referred me to the Center where the procedure would be done. I also discussed my wishes with the Nurse who would be administering the meds. the day before I went in when she called to fill out paperwork and "answer any questions". The day of I reiterated my wishes. I signed no consent for anything other than the colonoscopy. The response from every one of these "professionals" when I requested to be awake and aware was "no you don't". Then they would continue on - I felt like the 2 yr. old victim of lousy parents my wishes and request were dismissed out of hand. Now I am having nightmares, anxiety, anger, insomnia and flashbacks. Before this I never had any problem sleeping, never anxiety problems either. I'm also not able to let it go and get on with life. I have no doubt that I would have had no problem with just the fentanyl as I have given
6) Versed totally ERASED a co-worker's daughter's memory. Surgery was in Apr 09 at the Mayo Clinic. She still does not have her memory back (Sep 09) and might not ever. The FDA should be removing this drug from its arsenal immediately!!
7) I was awake but totally paralyzed. I felt every move, every turn, I tried fruitlessly to scream out for help and demand some pain meds. It was the worst experience of my entire life. Like being in an Iron Maiden...Whoever approved this drug for use on people should be shot!! A great way to torture someone and have them unable to do or say anything about it. They say that this takes away bad memories of any pain...why not give the patient pain meds and skip the Versed. DO NOT LET ANYONE GIVE YOU THIS CRAP....You'll regret it for the rest of your life!!
8) PTSD symptoms, lasting for months post-procedure, never experienced before in my life.
9) More anxiety than I ever felt before, mad as hell, fighting, swearing, telling all my secrets. My girlfriend says they wouldn't let her in, but she could hear me fighting and yelling and things crashing all the way down the hall. They never told me this would happen or said anything about amnesia or truth serum. I am a man who doesn't need some drug like this. It was only going to relax my muscles. This is a serious freak out drug.
10) Agitation, flashbacks, panic, uneasiness, sense of dread.
11) I recall gagging some during the procedure. It was unpleasant. For weeks afterward, I had strange panic attacks. These were preceded by a strange feeling of trying to recall something (like a person's name) but the memory never focused.
12) Severe agitation, couldn't move or speak and I was in pain, severe memory loss that persists today, 2 months later.
13) Something is seriously wrong with this drug. DON'T GET VERSED. they told me it was to relax you, they lied. It's to make you forget. My gastro admitted that they don't tell patients the truth about this drug.
14) My side effects were livid furious anger, paranoia (what happened to make me so angry?) and insomnia. Despite 9 units of Versed (and 100 of Fentenayl) I was fully awake and my memory was again functional within 25 minutes of the initial dose. In other words my brain fought off this drug quite well. The problem was that it knew something happened to it and has been trying to recreate those "just under the surface" memories now for three months. In fact my brain has uncovered much of what happened during the procedure. I am sitting here again at midnight in one of a continuous number of sleepless nights caused by my now hyperactive brain. My wife finally talked me into going in to see someone and I have been diagnosed with PTSD. I now am taking anti-depressants to prepare my brain to better accept therapy. How could this happen to someone with NO prior mental health issues in 50 years of life??? From a very simple medical procedure.
15) Several years ago I was given Versed for a colonoscopy with terrible effects. I couldn't talk or scream but felt every centimeter of the probing. My doctor said that next time he would give me more. Obviously there was something wrong with this. I went to Barnes and Noble and took out four drug books, and found in one there were four pages of side effects including paralyzing of the throat, tongue, mouth and more. My doctor had never "heard" of this. I make sure in any surgery that I do not have Versed.
Here is more information on "Versed". http://versedbusters.blogspot.com/
OK and now for the "Propofol" experiences:
1) Catastrophic loss of memory, dizziness, inability to function at normal cognitive level. I woke up from anesthetic and was euphoric. My problems started as the anesthesia wore off. I became dizzy and disorientated and unable to think logically or remember correctly. After 2 days I rang the doctor, and could remember my name but not my date of birth. I lost all higher cognitive function. I stopped going out. I couldn't any way as I had no mind maps I could follow. I could see my front door and "see" the place I wanted to go but couldn't visualize a route from memory. I could not compute; if I picked up two packs of meat in a shop I could not work out which was better value. A 2 year nightmare, and then a 2 year recuperation.
2) It is more than two months and my memory and abilities to concentrate, read, think, formulate thoughts - are crippled. Worse than a brain injury, because I know precisely what happened. My thoughts are less cohesive and sincerely believe this is not a product that should be used. Much less administered during a 'minor' surgery. I was told by the surgeon that he had to wake me a few times - but now that I have read some of the others comments here - perhaps, he was rousing me from the 'dead'... I have no recollection of being waken during the surgery. I will not take this again, nor will I recommend it to anyone. It does affect the brain's abilities. BEWARE! I had 'joked' with another doctor only earlier in the week, "Just don't give me what they gave Michael Jackson!" And lo and behold, that is exactly what they did! I had only received it one day for surgery.
3) EXTREME pain (not just a sting) when it went in. I screamed and fussed at them and told them they could have warned me and the pain in my arm was absolutely the worst I've EVER felt-no exaggerating. Then while I was talking to them I stopped breathing while still awake...the nurses were telling me to 'just breathe' and I was waving my arms around and pointing at my mouth and throat to let them know I couldn't...I was WIDE AWAKE and suffocating and they weren't even looking at the monitors.They should warn people of things that could possibly happen as a result of this drug. The surgical center dismissed my complaints and said they 'were sorry I had the perception' that something went wrong. Maybe nobody told them what could happen. When I woke up my surgeon told me,"Well, you're alive."
4) Just a "little to relax you"....what a bunch of BS....6 months later and i remember the agony but have lost long term memory.
5) Severe nervousness, tremor, difficulty breathing. feeling of a chemical straight jacket.....frozen unable to move while suffering and unable to move as they laughed and said: "she won't remember"...I did and it was awful.
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