I don't know what my deal is today. I woke up feeling wore out. Soon as my eyes opened my heart raced for about 15 seconds. I got up and like the past few days have not felt very hungry. Had a glass of water and some juice. Keith called me when he woke up and I told him that my stomach felt off and for some reason I have not been feeling all that great. Then out of no where I barely made it to the bathroom and threw up. Because it happened so fast it got on the toilet seat, the bathroom floor and some on my pants. I told Keith I would call him back. I then continued to throw up about half a gallon of liquid, way more than I had drank. I have no idea where all that came from.
I feel so wore out now and have been eating white rice. I don't feel like eating anything. I called Keith back and we talked on his way to work.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
I am Destroyed and you are dumb
There is so much I want to say right now, only the truth is I don't feel like writing it out. I don't think anyone understands that my life was destroyed by a benzodiazepine (Xanax in my case, but 10's of thousands of other lives, if not more destroyed by others such as Valium, Ativan or Klonopin).
My reality is people are too stupid to understand...I mean literally too stupid. Do you have any idea what it is like to have been destroyed on so many levels and have family, friends and doctors just not get it and even not completely believe you, if at all?
I am so sick of trying to warn people and get that response "You shouldn't scare people cause just one bad reaction..blah blah blah". I am so enraged by those type of people. I am not the only fucking person this happened to you ignorant cunt. Why can't people read shit on their own? Why can't they use google and find all the lives devastated by these drugs?
You know what else I am sick of? People who watch my story then email me saying.. "My doctor is going to start me on Klonopin and we are going to see how we do?" Are you fucking kidding me? There is no "we", there is you and those pills. You watch your jackass of a doctor turn on your bitch ass when you can't function. How fast you will be told it is your disease. It's all bullshit.
I also for the life of me at this point am not replying to dumb emails where someone reads this blog and asks if I have tried lexapro or any other med. Do you seriously not get it? Why the hell would I do that. Oh and to the freaked out people who say "Well are you saying people shouldn't be on those drugs for anxiety (referring to benzos) hell yes I am saying that. You have no business being on them for anxiety at all period, no ifs ands or buts and any doctor who prescribes them for such should lose their license. Why don't some of you grow some balls and write to the FDA and start stepping up. You let these doctors walk on your bones... "Yes doctor" "Doctor knows best"...it turns my stomach.
You know what else I am sick of hearing. "I have been on my pills for 10 years and I am fine!!" Well woop dee fuckin doo...that is like someone all self righteous saying "Well, I have been smoking cigarettes for 10 years and I don't have lung cancer."
I am seriously tired of being nice. I have been nice my whole life and look there that got me. Oh and spare me the "Law of Attraction" bullshit. I am well read on the New Age, as well as David Icke and the New World Order stuff. I am not ignorant to any of that stuff, but the idea that people believe that the bad stuff that happens to people is caused by their thoughts are just as bad as the Jesus freaks who have no compassion for people. I am not atheist people (though sometimes I see why people are), but for God sakes telling me to listen to people who are "channeling" some bullshit is just that..bullshit. I believe in a lot more things than most realize. I am most likely more open minded than 99% of the people reading this, but I don't need educational emails on basic positive thinking philosophy, I am way past that point. I don't want to be positive anymore, living in la la land gets you no place, action and information does. I want people to stop being poisoned...and don't think for one second if you are popping those pills you aren't slowly being poisoned.
The honest to God truth is, unless someone is a danger to themselves or others there is no reason to be on an antidepressant and definitely no reason to be on a benzo. "Oh, but Brian my anxiety is too much to deal with without it" So is mine, tough shit, do you think I am having a blast right now as I deal with that and my fucked up body? I rather only have the anxiety than what those pill can and will create for you given enough time. You can all get mad about that and email me about why you just have to be doped up, but seriously shove it. We now live in a world that rather pop a pill to lower their cholesterol than to eat right and exercise...it is disgusting.
My father has high cholesterol. I made a diet for him, although strict, allowed for one bad breakfast, lunch and dinner once a week. In 3 months I got his cholesterol in normal range. The HDH and LDL were great. Then the beer came back in here and there, the ice cream, cookies. Now my father was never a heavy guy, has always been thin, but him like most other people in this world can't follow fucking instructions and there my mother sits with colon cancer talking about how he "Has to have treats and enjoy himself" as she keeps eating red meat several times a week. I don't get it. His cholesterol is back up and my mother claims "He doesn't eat anything bad." Bullshit WTF???
I could kick my own ass for ever being a smoker. I am so glad I quit that. I also am pissed I was ever a heavy drinking and thankfully I have been alcohol free for 2 years and cigarette free for 2 months. Too bad its not enough. I am suffering and not a damn person gets it, at least anyone that I need to get it.
Below is a story of a woman I think is amazing for what she went through.
http://bipolarblast.wordpress.com/2008/03/01/story-of-accidental-addiction-to-benzodiazepines-survival-endurance-and-then-total-recovery/
My reality is people are too stupid to understand...I mean literally too stupid. Do you have any idea what it is like to have been destroyed on so many levels and have family, friends and doctors just not get it and even not completely believe you, if at all?
I am so sick of trying to warn people and get that response "You shouldn't scare people cause just one bad reaction..blah blah blah". I am so enraged by those type of people. I am not the only fucking person this happened to you ignorant cunt. Why can't people read shit on their own? Why can't they use google and find all the lives devastated by these drugs?
You know what else I am sick of? People who watch my story then email me saying.. "My doctor is going to start me on Klonopin and we are going to see how we do?" Are you fucking kidding me? There is no "we", there is you and those pills. You watch your jackass of a doctor turn on your bitch ass when you can't function. How fast you will be told it is your disease. It's all bullshit.
I also for the life of me at this point am not replying to dumb emails where someone reads this blog and asks if I have tried lexapro or any other med. Do you seriously not get it? Why the hell would I do that. Oh and to the freaked out people who say "Well are you saying people shouldn't be on those drugs for anxiety (referring to benzos) hell yes I am saying that. You have no business being on them for anxiety at all period, no ifs ands or buts and any doctor who prescribes them for such should lose their license. Why don't some of you grow some balls and write to the FDA and start stepping up. You let these doctors walk on your bones... "Yes doctor" "Doctor knows best"...it turns my stomach.
You know what else I am sick of hearing. "I have been on my pills for 10 years and I am fine!!" Well woop dee fuckin doo...that is like someone all self righteous saying "Well, I have been smoking cigarettes for 10 years and I don't have lung cancer."
I am seriously tired of being nice. I have been nice my whole life and look there that got me. Oh and spare me the "Law of Attraction" bullshit. I am well read on the New Age, as well as David Icke and the New World Order stuff. I am not ignorant to any of that stuff, but the idea that people believe that the bad stuff that happens to people is caused by their thoughts are just as bad as the Jesus freaks who have no compassion for people. I am not atheist people (though sometimes I see why people are), but for God sakes telling me to listen to people who are "channeling" some bullshit is just that..bullshit. I believe in a lot more things than most realize. I am most likely more open minded than 99% of the people reading this, but I don't need educational emails on basic positive thinking philosophy, I am way past that point. I don't want to be positive anymore, living in la la land gets you no place, action and information does. I want people to stop being poisoned...and don't think for one second if you are popping those pills you aren't slowly being poisoned.
The honest to God truth is, unless someone is a danger to themselves or others there is no reason to be on an antidepressant and definitely no reason to be on a benzo. "Oh, but Brian my anxiety is too much to deal with without it" So is mine, tough shit, do you think I am having a blast right now as I deal with that and my fucked up body? I rather only have the anxiety than what those pill can and will create for you given enough time. You can all get mad about that and email me about why you just have to be doped up, but seriously shove it. We now live in a world that rather pop a pill to lower their cholesterol than to eat right and exercise...it is disgusting.
My father has high cholesterol. I made a diet for him, although strict, allowed for one bad breakfast, lunch and dinner once a week. In 3 months I got his cholesterol in normal range. The HDH and LDL were great. Then the beer came back in here and there, the ice cream, cookies. Now my father was never a heavy guy, has always been thin, but him like most other people in this world can't follow fucking instructions and there my mother sits with colon cancer talking about how he "Has to have treats and enjoy himself" as she keeps eating red meat several times a week. I don't get it. His cholesterol is back up and my mother claims "He doesn't eat anything bad." Bullshit WTF???
I could kick my own ass for ever being a smoker. I am so glad I quit that. I also am pissed I was ever a heavy drinking and thankfully I have been alcohol free for 2 years and cigarette free for 2 months. Too bad its not enough. I am suffering and not a damn person gets it, at least anyone that I need to get it.
Below is a story of a woman I think is amazing for what she went through.
http://bipolarblast.wordpress.com/2008/03/01/story-of-accidental-addiction-to-benzodiazepines-survival-endurance-and-then-total-recovery/
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Peripheral Arterial Disease Test
I went to the doctors on the 10th of Nov. It turns out the way it usually turns out, me leaving without feeling like I am being taken seriously. Before I saw the doctor I saw his assistant who of course asked me everything the doctor would later ask me.
I told him about my feet being cold and hands turning purple. I discussed how my blood pressure has been running low (for me [I am usually in the 120/80 to 110/70, but for over 2 months now I get readings of 90/60 and 89/57 {Which went low before I even quit smoking}, which for me is not all that normal) instead of listening to the fact that my blood pressure has been running on the low end, he wanted to ask why I was taking my blood pressure, how often I take it and and if I keep detailed records of it.
I knew where this was going and started to feel angry about it. I just said "because I am neurotic...is that what you want me to say?" He just said "I was just checking". I told him I check it because I get nervous in doctors offices and it spikes, so I was told by other doctors in the past to check it myself. I also check my blood pressure because years ago when I was a heavy drinker of alcohol it was high and I was told to monitor it to make sure I was getting it under control. Personally I feel it is none of there damn business why I check my blood pressure. I am not concerned about my habit of taking it only noticed a major change for me and reported it. My blood pressure at the doctors office was 102/70 (keep in mind that was me nervous).
He then tells me that home blood pressure monitors aren't accurate. I told him yes they are. I am so tired of hearing random bullshit from them. They are accurate. In fact my mom has to take hers often and she even brought hers into the doctors office to make sure and it was the same. Just like years ago when she had high blood pressure they checked and it was the same with another machine. Also notice if you take your temperature and report you have a fever no doctor asks "Why did you take your temperature?" or "Well thermometers aren't accurate." please kiss my ass.
I got no place on the blood pressure front. Nor did I get any place on the fact when I stand up my heart pounds and I feel breathless at times with a heavy feeling in my chest that lasts 15-30 seconds. When the doctor did finally come in he seemed to be interested in my cold feet, but not purple hands. That was another thing. My feet get cold and sometimes purple. My hands turn purple, but are not cold. They both didn't seem to be able to keep that straight and after enough dumb questions as it was I was asked "Now when they get cold is it in response to opening the refrigerator or opening a cold beverage" to which I replied "I don't usually open the refrigerator or open drinks with my feet....my hands do not get cold, just purple." Then he said it could be raynaud's phenomenon and I reminded him none of this happens in response to cold. It happens just as much as when I am warm. I also reminded him this stated in July of this year. See usually raynaud's phenomenon is not a big deal, but if it suddenly comes on in later adulthood it can be a cause of something more serious. He admitted he was confused since it isn't in response to cold.
To make an already long story short I am being sent to a local hospital to have my legs tested for PAD (Peripheral Arterial Disease [Arteriosclerosis of the extremities]) on the 19th of Nov. since he isn't sure what is wrong and as I sat on the exam table my feet were turning purple and my toe nails blue, he said my circulation response was good. My Oxygen level was 98% as well. I have no idea, but I do hope I don't have Peripheral Arterial Disease for several reasons. 1) I won't deal well with it emotionally and 2) I am not taking drugs to treat it at all. That I am sure is a shock for some to read, but this is a very educated decision on my part and the fact is that it is not just that I don't believe that statin drugs are unsafe, but I KNOW statin drugs are unsafe. For people that pray keep me in your thoughts because I really don't want to have to deal with that right now.
The purple hands I asked about. He has no idea what is causing it yet told me they usually use calcium channel blockers to treat it (Treat what? You don't even know what the reason is.) Also did anyone hear the fact that my blood pressure is on the lower end of normal and calcium channel blockers lower blood pressure? Sure my hands won't be purple..I will just be pasty white passed out on the floor.
I also got a referral from him for a sleep clinic since I wake up sometimes not breathing and gasp for air, roll over and go back to bed. It is uncomfortable when it happens, though not often. I have major sleep issues anyway. Now I have to wait for the sleep clinic to contact me to make and appointment, which the receptionist said can take up to 6 weeks for them to call me.
The plus side is my doctor told me that I no longer need written referrals for CDPHP if it is through medicaid and I could have just made the appointment myself. This was good to know and when I got home I made an appointment with the pulmonologist for Dec 8th, since maybe he will understand my breathing issues and lung pain (I mean seriously people I had part of my lung removed in 2000, do you think maybe some doctor would like to check into what I am feeling in the same lung as the surgery?) And I also made an appointment with the Gastro doctor for Jan 25th. I just hope they don't pull my insurance before all these appointments.
I don't think the doctors understand. My anxiety is bad when I see them. I am clam in my apartment and around my boyfriend, yet I am still sick then. I have had "anxiety" issues for many many years..this is very different and they need to start listening. (It also drives me crazy because I can't tell what is lasting effects from xanax or something new) I am usually a very nice person, but I can feel myself becoming a bitch. I don't like being questioned or second guessed anymore. I don't trust doctors after what happened to me with the benzo withdrawal, I was treated awful and frankly I have learned that for 2009, we aren't so advanced. If a doctor has no clue what is wrong with you, you will be told "It's just anxiety", "It's depression", "it's irritable bowel syndrome" blah blah....they say this without testing or even really listening to people.
I told him about my feet being cold and hands turning purple. I discussed how my blood pressure has been running low (for me [I am usually in the 120/80 to 110/70, but for over 2 months now I get readings of 90/60 and 89/57 {Which went low before I even quit smoking}, which for me is not all that normal) instead of listening to the fact that my blood pressure has been running on the low end, he wanted to ask why I was taking my blood pressure, how often I take it and and if I keep detailed records of it.
I knew where this was going and started to feel angry about it. I just said "because I am neurotic...is that what you want me to say?" He just said "I was just checking". I told him I check it because I get nervous in doctors offices and it spikes, so I was told by other doctors in the past to check it myself. I also check my blood pressure because years ago when I was a heavy drinker of alcohol it was high and I was told to monitor it to make sure I was getting it under control. Personally I feel it is none of there damn business why I check my blood pressure. I am not concerned about my habit of taking it only noticed a major change for me and reported it. My blood pressure at the doctors office was 102/70 (keep in mind that was me nervous).
He then tells me that home blood pressure monitors aren't accurate. I told him yes they are. I am so tired of hearing random bullshit from them. They are accurate. In fact my mom has to take hers often and she even brought hers into the doctors office to make sure and it was the same. Just like years ago when she had high blood pressure they checked and it was the same with another machine. Also notice if you take your temperature and report you have a fever no doctor asks "Why did you take your temperature?" or "Well thermometers aren't accurate." please kiss my ass.
I got no place on the blood pressure front. Nor did I get any place on the fact when I stand up my heart pounds and I feel breathless at times with a heavy feeling in my chest that lasts 15-30 seconds. When the doctor did finally come in he seemed to be interested in my cold feet, but not purple hands. That was another thing. My feet get cold and sometimes purple. My hands turn purple, but are not cold. They both didn't seem to be able to keep that straight and after enough dumb questions as it was I was asked "Now when they get cold is it in response to opening the refrigerator or opening a cold beverage" to which I replied "I don't usually open the refrigerator or open drinks with my feet....my hands do not get cold, just purple." Then he said it could be raynaud's phenomenon and I reminded him none of this happens in response to cold. It happens just as much as when I am warm. I also reminded him this stated in July of this year. See usually raynaud's phenomenon is not a big deal, but if it suddenly comes on in later adulthood it can be a cause of something more serious. He admitted he was confused since it isn't in response to cold.
To make an already long story short I am being sent to a local hospital to have my legs tested for PAD (Peripheral Arterial Disease [Arteriosclerosis of the extremities]) on the 19th of Nov. since he isn't sure what is wrong and as I sat on the exam table my feet were turning purple and my toe nails blue, he said my circulation response was good. My Oxygen level was 98% as well. I have no idea, but I do hope I don't have Peripheral Arterial Disease for several reasons. 1) I won't deal well with it emotionally and 2) I am not taking drugs to treat it at all. That I am sure is a shock for some to read, but this is a very educated decision on my part and the fact is that it is not just that I don't believe that statin drugs are unsafe, but I KNOW statin drugs are unsafe. For people that pray keep me in your thoughts because I really don't want to have to deal with that right now.
The purple hands I asked about. He has no idea what is causing it yet told me they usually use calcium channel blockers to treat it (Treat what? You don't even know what the reason is.) Also did anyone hear the fact that my blood pressure is on the lower end of normal and calcium channel blockers lower blood pressure? Sure my hands won't be purple..I will just be pasty white passed out on the floor.
I also got a referral from him for a sleep clinic since I wake up sometimes not breathing and gasp for air, roll over and go back to bed. It is uncomfortable when it happens, though not often. I have major sleep issues anyway. Now I have to wait for the sleep clinic to contact me to make and appointment, which the receptionist said can take up to 6 weeks for them to call me.
The plus side is my doctor told me that I no longer need written referrals for CDPHP if it is through medicaid and I could have just made the appointment myself. This was good to know and when I got home I made an appointment with the pulmonologist for Dec 8th, since maybe he will understand my breathing issues and lung pain (I mean seriously people I had part of my lung removed in 2000, do you think maybe some doctor would like to check into what I am feeling in the same lung as the surgery?) And I also made an appointment with the Gastro doctor for Jan 25th. I just hope they don't pull my insurance before all these appointments.
I don't think the doctors understand. My anxiety is bad when I see them. I am clam in my apartment and around my boyfriend, yet I am still sick then. I have had "anxiety" issues for many many years..this is very different and they need to start listening. (It also drives me crazy because I can't tell what is lasting effects from xanax or something new) I am usually a very nice person, but I can feel myself becoming a bitch. I don't like being questioned or second guessed anymore. I don't trust doctors after what happened to me with the benzo withdrawal, I was treated awful and frankly I have learned that for 2009, we aren't so advanced. If a doctor has no clue what is wrong with you, you will be told "It's just anxiety", "It's depression", "it's irritable bowel syndrome" blah blah....they say this without testing or even really listening to people.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Doctors Appointment Today
I have a doctors appointment today. I wish I could just go in with a list of everything that is wrong with me, but I know from experience I will just be ignored. It is bad enough I might be ignored anyway.
My feet have been ice cold on and off; even in socks and sneakers. A few times they have been so cold they have hurt and I have had to turn a heating pad on and put my feet on it for a half hour or so.
Sometimes they are so cold it travels all the way up to my calve muscles, so from my feet to my calves are cold to the touch. Then other times my feet will feel like they are ice cold. I will be sitting at the computer and it feels like they are on a block of ice, only I will touch them and they are completely warm. I have no idea.
It has been going on since July. To be honest it started when I took Prevacid, but there is no way I am going to tell the doctor that because he nor any other doctor believes what happened with the Xanax withdrawal, so if I go in there claiming yet another issues maybe caused by a medication I will be completely blown off. I was on Prevacid a total of a month and I the feet thing started a few days into me taking it. Who knows though, maybe this is all still some form of damaged caused by Xanax. I don't even know anymore.
I am still getting breathless, heart pounds heavy and hard when I stand up (thankfully no longer fast 99% if the time), still having bowel issues and I walk around feeling like my stomach and intestines are scorched. I still wake up from not breathing in my sleep from time to time, that is when I can stay asleep at all. As of late I am lucky if I get 6 hours of sleep.
Anyway today I will just tell him about my feet and purple hands. Try to get a referral to a sleep clinic and to a pulmonologist. Next time around I will try to get sent to a gastro doctor. You know this would all be a lot easier for me if I didn't have such bad anxiety about doctors, blood, needles and medical tests.
My mom has been off chemo for two months now. Her doctors took her off because she became too sick and too thin, they need to get her stronger so she can have liver surgery to remove the cancer. Even off she still is running to the bathroom with cramps and diarrhea for about 3 hours a day if not more. She now weighs 98 lbs. and can hardly eat. After the liver surgery (which I assume will happen around Jan.) she will have to start chemo again. I am literally watching the medical community kill my mother, it is just a matter of if they will kill the cancer before her. I don't know what I would do if I had cancer because I don't even know if I would treat it after watching what really happens. I am sure many reading that statement may not understand.
Today she is going in to have a CT scan to see if the cancer grew or spread since she has been off the chemo for two months. I am not sure when she will get the results from that, usually after a CT scan they do a PET scan just to make sure. I don't know why they even bother doing a CT scan if every time they do one a week later they decide it is best to check with a PET scan.
My feet have been ice cold on and off; even in socks and sneakers. A few times they have been so cold they have hurt and I have had to turn a heating pad on and put my feet on it for a half hour or so.
Sometimes they are so cold it travels all the way up to my calve muscles, so from my feet to my calves are cold to the touch. Then other times my feet will feel like they are ice cold. I will be sitting at the computer and it feels like they are on a block of ice, only I will touch them and they are completely warm. I have no idea.
It has been going on since July. To be honest it started when I took Prevacid, but there is no way I am going to tell the doctor that because he nor any other doctor believes what happened with the Xanax withdrawal, so if I go in there claiming yet another issues maybe caused by a medication I will be completely blown off. I was on Prevacid a total of a month and I the feet thing started a few days into me taking it. Who knows though, maybe this is all still some form of damaged caused by Xanax. I don't even know anymore.
I am still getting breathless, heart pounds heavy and hard when I stand up (thankfully no longer fast 99% if the time), still having bowel issues and I walk around feeling like my stomach and intestines are scorched. I still wake up from not breathing in my sleep from time to time, that is when I can stay asleep at all. As of late I am lucky if I get 6 hours of sleep.
Anyway today I will just tell him about my feet and purple hands. Try to get a referral to a sleep clinic and to a pulmonologist. Next time around I will try to get sent to a gastro doctor. You know this would all be a lot easier for me if I didn't have such bad anxiety about doctors, blood, needles and medical tests.
My mom has been off chemo for two months now. Her doctors took her off because she became too sick and too thin, they need to get her stronger so she can have liver surgery to remove the cancer. Even off she still is running to the bathroom with cramps and diarrhea for about 3 hours a day if not more. She now weighs 98 lbs. and can hardly eat. After the liver surgery (which I assume will happen around Jan.) she will have to start chemo again. I am literally watching the medical community kill my mother, it is just a matter of if they will kill the cancer before her. I don't know what I would do if I had cancer because I don't even know if I would treat it after watching what really happens. I am sure many reading that statement may not understand.
Today she is going in to have a CT scan to see if the cancer grew or spread since she has been off the chemo for two months. I am not sure when she will get the results from that, usually after a CT scan they do a PET scan just to make sure. I don't know why they even bother doing a CT scan if every time they do one a week later they decide it is best to check with a PET scan.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Podcast or Something
I have spent the past two days sick to my stomach. I think I have some stomach bug that has been going around. It seems to be passing though. I did live mostly on liquids during it....ahhh memories of earlier this year when I had to live on liquids for months.
The downside to being sick is I have not been able to exercise for two days and if I miss tomorrow that will be 3 days...not good. I actually miss exercising, isn't that weird? Either way if I eat enough tomorrow I will be exercising.
So, over the past few days I have been considering doing a podcast type thing...a podcast, but not a podcast. Basically, I find that many people don't read, so lots of people never get into this blog. I have videos up on youtube, but guess what? I don't really feel comfortable being on video often...it's just not my thing..at least right now. So I figure audio might be the way to go.
I will still be doing the blog and of course videos, but to be honest I have so much to say recording it might be a good idea for me.
This is my plan. I have a Vonage phone, when a voice mail is left on it, it gets emailed to me as an audio file. I think my phone allows 10 minute voice mails, so that would work out well. Then I could just upload those audio files to a second Youtube account and a free podcast company... maybe.
If of course the voice mail thing does not work out, I guess I will have to sit in my chair and record it with my computer mic which would be boring. I want to be able to move around, talk while I walk on my treadmill or while I cook.
This blog and my videos have been so honest, but I really want to make these audio recordings super honest, my thoughts on a variety of things, my spiritual ideas, foods I eat, more into my past, basically everything. The fear in doing this is I will piss people off who do not share my views or people will see me for the nutjob I really am hehe. I mean seriously I think and do messed up stuff...and for the first time I would not be censoring myself. Trust me I heavily censor myself.
I don't think at first I will even post a link to these "podcasts". I will however mention my blog and videos in the podcast leading people here, then after I see how it goes post a link on this blog to the audio files. I don't even think anyone will be able to listen to them all, because in part some of the reason I am doing this is because I have so much to say and no one in real life to tell it too, or anyone in real life who cares enough to listen to it. At least online some people see, read or hear some of it or at least enough to understand. Though I must admit I find it frustrating when someone asks me a question I have already covered several times about my life, but hey it is what it is.
Someone online asked me once why I do this, meaning put my life out there like this exposing private things and thoughts. There are two answers. One is to help others not feel alone in their suffering, feelings or thoughts and the other more selfish reason is because I am here on this Earth and I want (maybe need) to be heard. Growing up I always felt I had so much to say and teach. I have had some very hard things happen in my life and I need to believe it had a purpose, that everything I have experienced and thought is meant for me to share with others. I also do not believe I will be on this Earth long (would be nice if I was wrong), so I want to say as much as possible while I still can. Maybe there is a third reason. I could be looking for the human connection that I always seek and have yet to find.
I get so many interesting emails. Most of them are from very kind people, trying to find their way in life..they share their stories and experiences with me and that is cool. Others ask questions, have suggestions (some of which they might wonder why I don't take ..trust me I have my reasons.) and some emails are from completely loony, out there people who scare me a little, but an amusing kind of scary.
Well anyway that is the ideas I am toying around with right now. I will be sure to update you with how it goes.
The downside to being sick is I have not been able to exercise for two days and if I miss tomorrow that will be 3 days...not good. I actually miss exercising, isn't that weird? Either way if I eat enough tomorrow I will be exercising.
So, over the past few days I have been considering doing a podcast type thing...a podcast, but not a podcast. Basically, I find that many people don't read, so lots of people never get into this blog. I have videos up on youtube, but guess what? I don't really feel comfortable being on video often...it's just not my thing..at least right now. So I figure audio might be the way to go.
I will still be doing the blog and of course videos, but to be honest I have so much to say recording it might be a good idea for me.
This is my plan. I have a Vonage phone, when a voice mail is left on it, it gets emailed to me as an audio file. I think my phone allows 10 minute voice mails, so that would work out well. Then I could just upload those audio files to a second Youtube account and a free podcast company... maybe.
If of course the voice mail thing does not work out, I guess I will have to sit in my chair and record it with my computer mic which would be boring. I want to be able to move around, talk while I walk on my treadmill or while I cook.
This blog and my videos have been so honest, but I really want to make these audio recordings super honest, my thoughts on a variety of things, my spiritual ideas, foods I eat, more into my past, basically everything. The fear in doing this is I will piss people off who do not share my views or people will see me for the nutjob I really am hehe. I mean seriously I think and do messed up stuff...and for the first time I would not be censoring myself. Trust me I heavily censor myself.
I don't think at first I will even post a link to these "podcasts". I will however mention my blog and videos in the podcast leading people here, then after I see how it goes post a link on this blog to the audio files. I don't even think anyone will be able to listen to them all, because in part some of the reason I am doing this is because I have so much to say and no one in real life to tell it too, or anyone in real life who cares enough to listen to it. At least online some people see, read or hear some of it or at least enough to understand. Though I must admit I find it frustrating when someone asks me a question I have already covered several times about my life, but hey it is what it is.
Someone online asked me once why I do this, meaning put my life out there like this exposing private things and thoughts. There are two answers. One is to help others not feel alone in their suffering, feelings or thoughts and the other more selfish reason is because I am here on this Earth and I want (maybe need) to be heard. Growing up I always felt I had so much to say and teach. I have had some very hard things happen in my life and I need to believe it had a purpose, that everything I have experienced and thought is meant for me to share with others. I also do not believe I will be on this Earth long (would be nice if I was wrong), so I want to say as much as possible while I still can. Maybe there is a third reason. I could be looking for the human connection that I always seek and have yet to find.
I get so many interesting emails. Most of them are from very kind people, trying to find their way in life..they share their stories and experiences with me and that is cool. Others ask questions, have suggestions (some of which they might wonder why I don't take ..trust me I have my reasons.) and some emails are from completely loony, out there people who scare me a little, but an amusing kind of scary.
Well anyway that is the ideas I am toying around with right now. I will be sure to update you with how it goes.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)