Brian Baxter

Gonna Lick My Lips At You

2012-01-04T01:52:00.001-08:00

You Ate What For Breakfast?

2012-01-03T02:08:00.001-08:00

Where Will I Be In 100 Days DAY 40

2011-12-30T01:54:00.000-08:00

How To Save Money As You Sink Into Poverty

2011-12-15T15:20:00.001-08:00

Where Will I Be In 100 Days DAY 22

2011-12-12T12:52:00.001-08:00

Surfshelf and Pagan Book Review

2011-12-07T13:56:00.000-08:00

Where Will I Be In 100 Days DAY 16

2011-12-06T14:11:00.000-08:00

Easy Vegan Food Choices

2011-12-02T11:32:00.001-08:00

How To Give When You Feel You Can't

2011-11-29T08:41:00.000-08:00

Where will I be in 100 days DAY 8

2011-11-28T06:55:00.000-08:00

Vegan Dip Fail - Vegan Soup Discovery

2011-11-25T17:44:00.001-08:00

Where will I be in 100 days DAY 4

2011-11-24T04:31:00.000-08:00

Where will I be in 100 days DAY 1

2011-11-20T22:41:00.001-08:00

The Devil, Armageddon and The Crows

2011-11-11T14:26:00.001-08:00

The Altar

2011-11-11T13:49:00.001-08:00

The Truth About My Past

2011-11-09T14:10:00.001-08:00

Sin Nature

2011-11-09T10:22:00.000-08:00

Gluten Free Vegetarian Peach Pancakes

2011-11-07T12:04:00.000-08:00

The Rings

2011-11-04T12:02:00.000-07:00

Being Awake vs. Being Asleep

2011-11-03T13:16:00.000-07:00

Crystal Hutchens - Ask A Crystal Child - Bananimal Records

2011-11-02T13:45:00.000-07:00

BUY CRYSTAL's CD: http://kunaki.com/Sales.asp?PID=PX00ONP6O3

Listen to some of the songs of her cd: http://www.myspace.com/crystalhutchens esp. Pandamonia and Stand Up. Two of my favs. BUT BY THE CD IT HELPS HER AND ITS GREAT!

And join her channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/Bananimalrecords

Still Have Not Smoked

2011-11-01T06:46:00.001-07:00

Nicotine Patch - Keith Revealed

2011-10-28T11:26:00.001-07:00

Walk Outside Chat and Pepcid AC Complete

2011-10-27T05:48:00.001-07:00

Off To The Gas Station We Go

2011-10-25T23:55:00.001-07:00

New Camera At Night So Video Is Very Dark - Flipcam Mino

2011-10-25T22:46:00.000-07:00

My Goldfish Named George W. Bush

2011-10-25T21:21:00.001-07:00

The Worst Chest Cold - My Moms Grave Stone

2011-10-20T00:48:00.000-07:00

How To Make Money On The Internet..When You Are Broke

2011-10-07T15:09:00.000-07:00

blogspot: http://www.blogger.com

adsense: http://www.google.com/adsense

createspace: http://www.createspace.com

sothink: http://www.sothinkmedia.com/movie-dvd-maker

Voices From The Past

2011-10-04T14:42:00.000-07:00

I Hate Change

2011-10-03T11:14:00.001-07:00

Ocular Migraine and Moving Back To FL eventually

2011-09-30T09:06:00.000-07:00

http://crowaptok.com/images/migraine_aura.gif

Displeased - Nicotine Withdrawal - Medical Tests

2011-09-24T10:25:00.000-07:00

Nightmares, Dreams, Rapid Learning on GodLike Productions

2011-09-22T00:52:00.001-07:00

Patterns, Placebo, Wisdom and Life

2011-09-20T01:56:00.001-07:00

Patterns, Placebo, Wisdom and Life

I am so tired of dealing

2011-09-17T00:47:00.000-07:00

How My Life Is

2011-09-12T10:53:00.000-07:00

Video Reply to this video on youtube. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0hTh7oGepY

What do you allow in your life?

2011-09-01T14:41:00.000-07:00

You Are Lazy

2011-09-01T14:00:00.001-07:00

Severe Abdominal Pain and Butterfly Experiments

2011-07-29T11:49:00.000-07:00

Post Appendectomy - Panic Attack - Painted Lady Caterpillars

2011-07-05T08:11:00.000-07:00

Experiments - Still Feel Good - Vitamin D3 - Butterflies

2011-06-25T04:47:00.000-07:00

Mad Scientist

2011-06-22T04:07:00.001-07:00

Butterflies - Exercise - Father - DNA

2011-06-07T06:28:00.001-07:00

I Feel Good

2011-06-04T03:48:00.000-07:00

RIP Mom and Appendicitis

2011-05-27T15:14:00.000-07:00

I Love You Mom

2011-05-16T15:06:00.001-07:00

Books - Being Humble - Diet - Benzo Recap

2011-05-11T13:53:00.000-07:00

Agoraphobia and Panic Attacks are not a disease

2011-05-10T13:16:00.001-07:00

Confrontation and Not Feeling Well

2011-05-10T09:41:00.000-07:00

Moms Cancer - Nickel Hoarding - Crazies

2011-05-06T10:41:00.001-07:00

Pre Diabetes AC1 Test and DNA Test

2011-02-24T20:46:00.000-08:00

Moms Liver Surgery Canceled

2011-02-09T10:05:00.001-08:00

Moms Liver Cancer Surgery Tomorrow

2011-02-08T14:47:00.001-08:00

Snow Shoveling - Vomiting - Running Away

2011-02-03T14:28:00.000-08:00

Moms Surgery Moved - Beth Israel Boston

2011-02-01T02:52:00.000-08:00

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Postural_orthostatic_tachycardia_syndrome

Hit by a car - Origin of anxiety

2011-01-31T04:32:00.000-08:00

Childhood Perfectionism

2011-01-29T04:33:00.001-08:00

Confessional

2011-01-28T05:21:00.000-08:00

Pulse Oximeter - Internet Addiction

2011-01-27T04:32:00.001-08:00

COPD - Alternative Medicine vs. Western Medicine

2011-01-26T06:00:00.000-08:00

Heartburn - Moms Cancer - Support

2011-01-25T20:16:00.001-08:00

Congenital Lobar Emphysema - Lung Surgery

2011-01-22T20:00:00.001-08:00

Completely unrelated note... this song was popular when I was in high school. Makes me want to be drunk. :-p

Abortion - Pro Life - Pro Choice

2011-01-21T19:35:00.001-08:00

Anesthesia Music

2011-01-21T15:47:00.000-08:00

I wonder if it is possible to have my mp3 player on and music blaring in my ears when the doctor starts the anesthesia? I mean, as soon as I am out they could pluck the ear buds out of my ears.

They always feel the need to say.."OK we are going to start the IV now" and "Count backwards from ten." I rather be in my own world..just do it and get it over with. I don't want to hear them or their voices.

Remember for a colonoscopy I can't have the normal drugs and have to actually be knocked out completely which raises the risk.

The downside is if I pass out from the needle during the song I pick I will never be able to listen to that song again. My brain will add it to the "banned" list. For the rest of my life it will be "Oh...that is the song I was listening too when I fainted [cue the anxiety attack]".

I don't know... I will think about it. I want it so loud I can forget where I am and not hear a damn thing they are doing. In the rare case the anesthesia actually killed me, I could deal with it being the last song I ever heard.

I will post song below:

Computer Crash - Snow Storm - Cucumbers

2011-01-21T15:29:00.001-08:00

Raw Food Diet Help

2011-01-19T16:50:00.000-08:00

Fainting Phobia

2011-01-19T15:05:00.001-08:00

Why doesn't god heal amputees?

2011-01-18T17:27:00.000-08:00

Lift People Up or Tear People Down

2011-01-18T15:37:00.001-08:00

Digestive Upset and Papa Johns

2011-01-16T15:37:00.001-08:00

Digestive Issues

2011-01-15T16:07:00.000-08:00

familyman20's webcam video January 14, 2011

2011-01-14T13:01:00.000-08:00

Also:

Thank You To Rosie O'Donnell and Others

2011-01-13T15:45:00.000-08:00

Snow Storm and The Angry Mail Man

2011-01-13T13:29:00.001-08:00

23andme DNA Testing

2011-01-12T14:11:00.000-08:00

Moms Cancer Returns Surgery Date

2011-01-11T12:00:00.000-08:00

Complacent

2011-01-10T08:56:00.000-08:00

So, last night I know I had dreams, but for the first time in a few days I have no memory of them. I actually slept pretty sound, that is always a plus.

So, today is Monday. Tomorrow Keith goes back to work and I am suppose to call a gastro doctor. Seems like the days have moved very fast to the day I said I would call. Now I feel tense. I don't even want to call. I want to stay in complete denial. I want to wait another week. Right or wrong...I wonder if I will?

Somehow calling makes it all too real for me. Something I am not even ready to deal with. I don't want to face anything at all. What I really want is to go to sleep and wake up when it is all over. I hate anxiety. I hate the unknown and I hate not being able to cope no matter how hard I try.

Why am I sitting around eating junk food? Why the hell am I chain smoking? Why do I feel so ill (like normal anyway) that any normal person who felt this way would take themselves to the ER. How can I actually sit here like this? What am I waiting for? Where are all the people that I assumed someday would save me from myself? Oh, there are no people...it is me who has to save me....will I actually do that?

Do people really think when they tell me "You better :blank:" or "You need to do :blank:". That I will actually listen to them? Do they think suddenly all fear leaves and their words magically will replace the fear that binds me and I will just do it?

How did I ever allow myself to get to this place? Why am I like this to begin with? Shouldn't my fear motivate me? Maybe it will given enough time.

Have I been so traumatized and shocked by things that I have become complacent?

The Dreams Continue

2011-01-09T06:23:00.000-08:00

Funny that for the past two days I made videos discussing dreams. Last night was another doozy. I know really it is all being caused because I have myself all worked up and just a lot of life situations happening all at once. I will get to those dreams in a bit.

I also find it amusing that some people (mainly family and doctors) think I can not tell the difference between my anxiety issues and real illness. For example, yesterday it was all anxiety. I went to a local convenient store to get some sandwiches and a salad. First, I had to clean the snow off my car and for no reason at all other than an internal feeling, I felt rushed.

When I got to the store there were two people in line before me and there were also a lot of people around me. My heart was racing (from cleaning off my car) and I suddenly felt confined. This was triggered by the crowd and I felt the line was going too slow. This woman in front of me was repeatedly asking questions about different coffees to the cashier.

That is when it hit. I wanted to leave the store. I just wanted to get out and get fresh air. Of course I stayed. It was anxiety and I knew it. Everything I was feeling was anxiety. I pushed through and got the food I needed. When I got to my car the feeling left me somewhat. Another proof it was just anxiety. I know my body well and it angers me when others claim I can't tell the difference. It was not fun, it was awful actually, but not dangerous and I knew it. It was my mind playing tricks on me plain and simple.

Ok so to the dream last night. First one, I was sleeping in bed and a cousin of mine who briefly molested me as a child was there. I woke to him holding a knife to my throat and managed to get him to believe I was not mad. He took the knife away from my throat and then at some point realized I was faking. He went at me and sliced my right hand by my thumb. I ran to the kitchen to where my parents were and picked up the phone to call 911, since I was being attacked. My parents tried to talk me out of it and said something like "You don't have to go that far, he will be arrested and doesn't know what he is doing." I called anyway and the police came and he was arrested.

Later in that dream I became paranoid that I wouldn't know when he was released from jail, so I asked the police to tell me when he was. They refused. So every day in the dream when I came home I would check all the rooms scared he was hiding, waiting to kill me.

That dream ended and now this is the second dream continuing later in the night, after I briefly woke up:

In the second dream I am at the house I grew up in and my sister is there. She seems annoyed that I had my cousin arrested and said "Why would you call the police and report something you aren't even sure happened?" I said "What are you talking about? Do you think I have these stitches in my hand for no reason? And beside you may not know this, but he molested me when I was little." She had this shameful look like I was crazy and said "What happened too you? You use to look up to your great nephew even." and I said "What? My great nephew is five years old...why would I look up to a five year old?" Again a look of "poor you for being so confused".

I decided to leave and went outside. Shortly after being outside there was my cousin, released from jail standing with this giant sword. He said something like "Now you will pay" and I ran and woke up. I didn't return to sleep after that.

Again all this is really coming up so vividly because of stress. I usually only half remember my dreams.

Lucid Dreams

2011-01-08T12:45:00.000-08:00

Nightmare 3:17am

2011-01-07T13:00:00.000-08:00

Automatic Thoughts and Support Structure

2011-01-06T17:00:00.001-08:00

What is wrong with our healthcare system?

2011-01-05T11:05:00.000-08:00

Depression - Ulcerative Colitis - IBS - Life

2011-01-04T13:14:00.000-08:00

What I Know For Sure

2011-01-03T00:35:00.000-08:00

What I know for sure:

In 1994 I also had this lower left colon pain and some bleeding. I was 18 years old and knew nothing about health outside of vitamin books I had read. I was certainly not the person I am today. I went to my primary care doctor. Oddly the same one I spoke of years later in the benzo withdrawal video, who acted like a baby and had a tantrum because I told him (politely) that I disagreed. So, I go see him in 1994 and he has me come back for a sigmoidoscopy. What I didn't know then is that would have been better to have done by a gastro doc and not a primary care doctor, but again I was 18, what did I know? A doctor was a doctor in my head back then.

So, he does this scope. When he is finished, Dr. Zeltner (It is not deformation of character if everything I say about this man is true), says to me... "Looks like you have a little colitis." and put me on a drug called Azulfidine for a year. There was no follow up about it, no explanation about what a little colitis was, no biopsy, nothing at all. This is right before the internet exploded on to the scene, so that was not at my finger tips yet to know anything about this "little colitis".

Years pass and when I would see him about pain it was always "It is IBS (irritable bowel syndrome), from your anxiety.". What did I know? I mean still at this point I knew little. That is what I would just tell close friends when I would go in pain so bad that I would almost faint. "Yea, I have IBS, it sucks." and the truth is IBS can cause that kind of pain, so really I had nothing to really be concerned about, after all it made sense.

Fast forward to 2009. I am in the depths of benzo withdrawal, people who follow me or seen the video know what happened. One day, because I had cramps so bad during it I turned white, broke into a cold sweat and for a few seconds till it stopped prayed for death I decided to place a call. I collected myself and called his majesties office (this was months after his flip out on me). I told a nurse on the phone that in 1994 I had a sigmoidoscopy. I would like to know the results of that test, because back then colitis was a word thrown around for not only ulcerative colitis, but for IBS". See what was not sitting right with me is no one with IBS gets put on Azulfidine and in almost all cases IBS does not cause bleeding the exception being usually when they have IBS-C (meaning severe constipation and that blood is usually from hemorrhoids and fissures).

The test was in 1994, so she had to take a few hours to call me back. When she did she said. "Dr. Zeltner said the diagnosis (in Sept on 1994) was ulcerative colitis vs. crohn's disease." I said "Well, which is it? Those are both completely different diseases." and she said "I will call you back."

An hour later the phone rings. She says "Ulcerative colitis". I say "OK.....how do we know that?" and she said "Well in May 1995 he decided it was not crohn's disease that it was ulcerative colitis." OK, first of all I have not seen the man from Sept 1994 till May of 1995. I know this because I followed my girlfriend out to Western New York where she and I attended college. So how he suddenly had the light of the universe descend upon him and the answer was revealed is beyond me. I told her thank you and that was that.

I was too sick from benzo withdrawal and as everyone knows, because I drive it home to you all constantly, no doctor listened to me and I was just sick. So I placed that conversation away. The goal at that time was to just stay alive.

God this post is going to be long sorry.....OK

So, I quit smoking Sept 2009. Shortly after the bowel pain acted up more. I couldn't even go without living on Metamucil. This of course is somewhat common in people who quit. Many many people who quit smoking become chronically constipated for a time. This never ended for me, month after month. Left side pain became an issue again. I was always sore. That is what prompted me (if some of you have kept up with me so far) to see a gastro doc at Albany Medical Center in Jan 2010. Her and I didn't click. She is not a bad doctor, just was one of those things. My mother is very happy with her and she has done my mom justice in her cancer ordeal. She just couldn't really follow my story and that is OK, look not everyone is a match. Plus I was still not too well from the benzo issues. So I retreated into denial again.

The very day I saw her I came home and there was a voice mail. "Mom had a stroke and we are in the ER" from my father. I had just had a gastro who I was angry at (mainly because of how I had been treated by doctors, three days before a lung doctor tells me "anxiety" yet again, even when I scored below normal on breathing tests and got some half assed answer about the cause of that because I was thin and now my mother just had a stroke. There went quitting smoking....I drove right to the store and lit up. What a rush that was by the way...no smoking for several months and then bam. It was like starting again...sick as all get out from it.

The next day I went to the bathroom just fine, within days the pain really subsided. Shortly after I tried to stop smoking again...after all what a fool I am for doing that to myself. Sadly that never came to pass and for the first time I admit I am still a smoker. However there have been times that I tried again for obvious reasons. When I do, my colon gets worse.

See I had cut back a lot the past two times the blood showed up and this is very important because I am going to copy and paste some info at the end of this post.

First, I want to say I think I do indeed have ulcertive colitis and it is no small thing to have at all, esp for someone like me. A week from now I will be contacting doctors yet again. I need time to settle all this in my head. I couldn't eat for days from stress and finally I am eating again. That is my pattern...I flip the hell out and then days to weeks later I reclaim my power and move myself forward...after all what other choice do we all have? I am scared, scared, scared of the scope and in my last post I told you I read all the horror stories, but that is easing because I have little choice. If it is ulcerative colitis it is dangerous and stupid for me not to find out. What I will do with proof of the illness will be a topic for later should that come to pass.

Here is some info which will explain the cigarettes:

"Ulcerative colitis appears to be a disease of non-smokers. Former smokers are at the highest risk for developing ulcerative colitis, while current smokers have the least risk. This tendency indicates that smoking cigarettes may prevent the onset of ulcerative colitis." "Researchers have discovered that it is the nicotine in tobacco cigarettes that has a positive influence on symptoms of ulcerative colitis. Nicotine is a naturally occurring substance in tobacco that has a complex effect on many organs and systems in the body. Nicotine is also highly addictive, and many people who smoke cigarettes have difficulty quitting despite the serious health risks."

Also I want to point out that many studies have been done and they are finding that ulcerative colitis causes (not caused by BUT CAUSES) anxiety, depression, heart irregularieies like palpitation and ohh yeah orthostatic intolerance aka why maybe I have POTS symptoms... (postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome, that magically no doctor in my area has heard of).

Something very interesting I found was a man who was placed on Ativan for his crohn's disease to comfort him. When his Ativan was taken away his crohn's disease raged back. The doctor felt it best to just keep him on Ativan. Of course knowing what benzo withdrawal does and talking with 1000s of people this makes since. Benzo's cause a horrible rebound effect that can last years...that was his weakness , his crohn's and ranging back it came...not to mention the digestive system is filled with "neurochemicals" it is just not the brain folks these things are concentrated in your gut and heart. This would also show that benzos have a direct effect of the gut.

Ok ..ok enough for now..I will tell more later.

It always falls apart in the end.

2011-01-02T01:38:00.000-08:00

About 2 months ago I went to the bathroom and noticed some blood, but I wasn't sure. Sometimes my lower left colon is tender. Then nothing again was seen, so I thought maybe it was just food. A few days ago when I went there was blood. It was no mistaking it this time, followed by my colon being tender for a few days. I mentally broke minutes later. I threw up right away and spent the rest of the night and coming days crying on and off. I have been eating just not too well because of the stress. I don't deal well with stuff like this. My mother having colon cancer and its recent return has just taken me to a very bad place when I saw the blood.

I am very good at living in denial about how awful I have felt for the past 2 years now, but the blood is so in your face it is the straw that broke the camels back. So I immediately did myself the disservice of reading stats on how often colons are perforated during colonoscopy. It is not as rare as one would hope. I then looked at the drugs used and the side effects from them during the test. After that I felt worse and threw up again. Now my anxiety is in full force. I have to call a doctor and haven't yet.

I am scared with the way I feel and how my heart is how I will even get through the test. I am scared what they will find. If not cancer, what? A disease that requires me to have colon-scopes every 2 to 5 years so I can then have a complete melt down that it will never end for me?

I am tired, tired of what I have lived through from the lung surgery to the benzo withdrawal and now this. What I am more sick of is my inability to cope with stress and falling apart at the drop of a hat. I don't even want to be online anymore. I just want to leave the internet for a year and if I am ok and still alive come back Jan. 2012. I would only have to sign on to pay my bills.

I hate sitting here with this pit in my stomach because I can't have a 100% guarantee that nothing won't happen to me. To everyone that is life, to me for some reason it destroys me. I get horrible fears that I will end up crippled at the mercy of others. I am scared of suffering both mentally and physically. I am tired of always feeling so empty and ill.

It is not that no one has ever offered to help. It is that the stress of a new person around me while I feel like complete shit makes me feel worse, way worse. I also don't want anyone to see me falling apart. It is embarrassing for me even if they don't care and I will use what little energy I have left trying to "act" OK for them.

People have often asked me why do I always think I will get the rare side effects or that bad things will happen to me? Because I do get them and have had a lot of bad stuff happen. I am so shell shocked by it all. I expect the worst. I am scared not to expect it now..it is almost as if "thinking positive" has become a bad luck charm.

While I know that others out there have it worse than me it just seems they cope with it a hell of a lot better.

The Drift

2010-12-29T02:26:00.000-08:00

The Drift is something that should be used with caution, as it can drive some people to insanity. It has been used over the centuries, mainly in pagan circles. Like the brainwashing techniques I spoke of in an earlier post, it is always important to know it is self imposed, you can stop at any point, though sometimes that may seem hard to do. This is not something you should play with lightly.

The Drift can be simple or complex, but always a journey. It is up to the user. It is best not to go looking for a point or have a goal in mind, that is why is it called The Drift. You are simply drifting, as if lost at sea in a raft. You have no idea where you are going, but you are traveling some place, where you don't know.

The Drift is used to bring yourself closer to universal knowledge or at least let the universe guide you in a direction, so it can whisper a secret to you. Usually the secret is something you always suspected deep down as a child or if not a secret it will guide you to a person or place. Usually a place you need to be or a person you need to meet.

The complex example of The Drift would be the following:

You are walking down the street and you see a pair of old shoes next to the trash that someone has thrown away. They happen to be your size. You then take off your shoes and put on that pair (A gift from the Universe to you), leaving your shoes in their place. You then walk down the street and see a News clipping blowing on the ground and in bold print you spot the word "Boston". You take yourself to the bus station, airport, train station, or your car, whatever, and travel to Boston. When you step out in the city you see a sign on a store that says "50% of all books.". You enter the store and walk around waiting for a sign and you notice a small child misbehaving, placing some books on the floor. You go over to the books, pick one up and buy it. You can keep going at that point or stop. Had you not seen that random News clipping that was only litter blowing around, you would not have seen the word "Boston", you would not be in that city, in that book store, now in possession of that book you just bought.

Example of the simple Drift: (Which for most is more favorable)

You go to YouTube and watch a video, when it ends it suggests the next video to watch. Pick the first choice offered and keep doing so video after video. When a choice comes up that you have already seen, choose the second choice. Go on and on. Each video is linked to the next. Anything learned is all a result of the first video you watched. Each video with its own unique message and teaching. Some bore you, some don't, on and on you go. You would be surprised how much you can learn in one day or how weeks or months later a topic will arise that you are only informed about because you Drifted.

The caution again is to remember you are in control. You can stop whenever you want. People with major OCD should not take part in The Drift. The Drift has features to it which are almost like schizophrenia. In some people who are schizophrenic, seemingly ordinary objects or information can hold deep meaning to them. To them it can be a sign meant only for them. This is why The Drift should be entered cautiously.

In my last post I said I would continue to post a list of what I have watched since my last blog update. I have continued the self brainwashing with horror films and added in The Drift. Each movie leading to the next. I am using the IMDB site. After I watch each film I go to the site's listing for that film and from that page it lists four other movies I might like. I then watch one of those suggestions and do the same after that movie... following the next suggestion.

Dead Silence -- http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0455760/

Forget Me Not -- http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1147684/

Devil Dog: The Hound of Hell -- http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0077429/

Graphic Sexual Horror -- http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1326224/

Deadly Friend -- http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0090917/

An American Haunting -- http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0429573/

Jesus in India -- http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1341329/

Knight and Day -- http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1013743/

House of Numbers -- http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1311710/

Twilight -- http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1099212/

The House of the Devil -- http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1172994/

Night of the Comet -- http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0087799/

The Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia -- http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1396227/

Lorenzo's Oil -- http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0104756/

The Madness of King George -- http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0110428/

The Last House on the Left (1972) -- http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0068833/

The Gift (2003) -- http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0355482/

Paris Is Burning -- http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0100332/

Needle -- http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1545315/

Brothers (2009) -- http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0765010/

The Graves (2009) -- http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1203517/

Salt (2010) -- http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0944835/

Gonzo (2008) -- http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0479468/

How To Brainwash Yourself

2010-12-24T00:07:00.000-08:00

In my last blog I mentioned my interest in brainwashing. In the past two years I noticed that it is possible to brainwash yourself. Maybe brainwash is not entirely the correct term, more like shift yourself around.

I learned that if you force yourself to watch that which you disagree with and you watch/listen/read about it long enough you can shape your thought patterns. You will no longer disagree with that which you hated. The key is to never get lost in your own brainwashing.

For example:

Lets say you are a Democrat. You are the type of person who likes the Huffington Post, Nancy Pelosi, MSNBC, you voted for Obama. For the sake of argument this is you. Now what you must do to brainwash yourself is cut it all out of your life. Download Republican podcasts, watch Fox News, listen to Michael Savage, Sean Hannity and Bill O'Reilly. All of your free time should be saturated with Republican information.

At first it will be boring to you. It will make you angry. You will wonder.."How can they say that?", "How can anyone believe this?". As time goes on...a few weeks.. you will notice that you agree with some of their points, this will happen more and more. This is actually your brain making new connections..in a way it is making a new person. After about 2 to 3 months you will agree most of the time with them and actually start to view Democrats as stupid and weak. The longer you let this go on the more and more you will be completely brainwashed in the Republican propaganda and actually truly believe it.

This works both ways. A Republican can reverse it and do the same. So what is the point?

Well here is where you have to be careful. You can not allow the brainwashing to completely take hold or you risk the possibility of forgetting that you in fact did brainwash yourself. The point however is to take the time and force yourself to be brainwashed in one direction and then in the other direction later. Then stop. You are now free. You see the whole picture and you now no longer like either party, but equally hate both, seeing them for what they really are.

This can also be used as a tool to "deprogram" yourself from years of programs you don't even know you have. It can not be stressed enough that you must have willpower, you must fill your life with whatever it is that you are brainwashing yourself with and NEVER forget to remain aware that you are indeed brainwashing yourself. By remain aware I don't mean put a guard up to it or it will not take hold as fast, but I mean casually remember daily what you are doing to yourself.

Other useful ways to use this after you have taken the time to free yourself up from old programs is to play with your own personality and adjust your own mind to see what happens and who you become. Witness how you start to change and how your thought patterns are now different. The best way to change yourself is to saturate yourself with that which you hate. Hate Rap music? Listen to it all day long. Read about it online. I promise you will eventually love it and oh how boring Pop music will seem. Watch your attitude change and the choices you make as your mind prompts and draws you to that which you fill it with.

You are already being brainwashed all the time and are completely unaware of it. This way at least you pick the programs. You really can change everything by what you shove inside your head.

Now here is the exception. I like to called them "brain nodes". There are parts of you so embedded, so protected by the mind and such a deeply held belief it would take a lot longer to change them. How long I don't know because to date I have been unable to change my own "brain nodes". I will give an example:

You have a women who deeply believes in Jesus and the Church. To her any information to the contrary is in her mind from the Devil himself and the second doubt tries to slip in, her brain will keep discarding the information to "protect" itself from losing her Jesus. This like I said is the flaw in what I have learned. I would love to change or erase my own "brain nodes".

Some of my "brain nodes" are rooted in fears that I have. Long standing fears of 15+ years. They are very rooted in all aspects of my life, so to change those would take more effort on my part or a technique that I have yet to teach myself.

Don't believe me? Try it. Just remember do not try to change a "brain node" this way because it seems at this time it does not work. As soon as you see how malleable your brain is you will become hooked to changing it. The reward will be a more free mind, a clarity that little possess and others will have a harder time controlling you because you can spot the game much more quickly.

I am currently again doing this to myself. I always read books. This time I am bombarding myself with movies, mostly horror films. I am sticking a few non-horror in there if it serves a purpose to me, meaning the direction I want my brain to go. Here is what I have forced myself to watch in the past 36 hours:

And Soon the Darkness -- http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1391034/

Inception -- http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1375666/

Get Him to the Greek -- http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1226229/

Religulous -- http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0815241/

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World -- http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0446029/

Kurt Cobain About a Son -- http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0790769/

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter -- http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0311361/

Dread -- http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1331307/

Dark Mirror -- http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0486651/

In my next blog I will post what else since this blog I have watched. For now all the light fluff is out of my life. No watching Wendy Williams, The View etc. No more books. Audio and Video will be used only. The audio if not horror related will be punk rock music.

**Warning** You are responsible for the direction you take your brain and there can be unwanted changes. For example you can start to be a more violent person, so monitor yourself and change things up if necessary.

Lost At Sea

2010-12-23T03:26:00.000-08:00

Brainwashing has been an interest of mine for sometime, right up there with my interest in physical immortality.

As a child I always felt like I was observing people. I can remember being in grade school and seeing how many of my peers acted like animals, how they grouped off, and how each group had a role. How my family seemed very concerned with being embarrassed and would put on this fake act. Like on Sundays we would go to church and my parents would often argue all the way there, about what I can't remember, but soon as they passed through the doors of the church it was all smiles and "Ohhh hi how are you!?". Then it was "Don't stand with your arms crossed, you look sick, what will people think?"

There have been these events in my life, which to others may not have caused the same effect upon them as it has me. After all I seem to have been born somewhat of an observer anyway. I do remember the more I was teased by my peers growing up and the more tense my household was the worse this observation/awareness got. By worse I mean I went deeper into my mind and would see more differences not only in others, but myself.

However back then I was able to go in and out of "reality". By that I mean I was not in a constant observer/aware state. I would still lose myself in the moment and forget. Like when I was hanging out with friends, during puberty when hormones kicked in that was an easy distraction, while shopping or busy at school. I could also distract myself with things and trying to accumulate money. Then I would remember.."Oh yeah...I am human...I am me."

It wasn't that bad back then though. I would not be in my head for periods of time. Then came an event that would pull me further out of "reality" or at least what passes for what people consider reality, lung surgery. I am not sure what it was about that event. Maybe the pain it caused that morning I woke up and went to the ER or maybe because I faced mortality, maybe the reaction or lack thereof of others, maybe all of it. I was 24 years old (year 2000) and at the time I was doing what many 24 year olds do, hanging with friends, hooking up and buying designer clothes. I had this vision in my mind during that time of all the suffering in the world and how selfish it was for me to spend $90 on a pair of jeans. It was not needed at all. Since that time I stopped buying designer anything (In fact I don't buy much of anything) and I would say the most expensive jeans I buy now are $20 if that. They look the same anyway. They only miss having a "label", that all important name the masses crave.

Next trigger for me was 9/11/2001. It was a shock for most people. The events of that day soon after didn't sit right for me and something felt off about it. If you have ever had a lucid dream you know there is that trigger where suddenly you are like "Oh...wait that doesn't make sense...I am just dreaming." Then you have your lucid dream. You are wide awake in your dream and have full control or almost full control. That is how that event was for me. Like a waking up and further pushing my mind into this weird state of awareness.

The last and most significant event for me was benzo withdrawal, which if you watched my video was hell on earth. Even I didn't think I would make it through that. I eventually felt that was it and I was going to be lost in that demented sea of terror that I would never escape from.

That brings me to now and here is the problem or gift depending on how you look at it. I can no longer relate to very many people at all. Sure I can play the role and no one is the wiser. I look and seem completely normal, but nothing is the same. As I said above I use to be able to lose myself in the moment. To "forget" what I know in the core of my being for a time. Now and for the past two years there has been no escaping that. I am just in this perpetual state from the time I wake till the time I sleep. From what I can tell it is also occurring in my dream state.

Some people I have opened up too about it have said maybe it is depersonalization. After looking that up I can say it is not that at all. It doesn't fit. I can't even really put words to what it is that I am experiencing, so to completely explain it to someone who has never had this would be almost impossible I have found. I suspect that someone reading this who is in this state would spot it right away and maybe even be thankful that there are others out there like this. One person sort of nailed it by saying "It is like you are a ghost, just here, but not part of any of it." That is close to how it feels.

It is not something that causes me distress or even something I wish to get rid of. The only downside is I feel alone. Not alone in a depression sort away, but alone because I have to act to seem interested in what most people tell me.

Facebook is one of the worst places for me to sit, yet I do daily. The mundane plays out at a rapid pace there. People posting about the pain they are in because they lost their greatest love, even though they only met a week ago. The running like ants to brunch, clubs, dinner. Come Monday morning the posts swarm with old cliches about how its "just another manic Monday" or "Hi ho, hi oh it's off to work I go.". Saturday night around 3am the posts start with how drunk they are and how upset they are about life, upset about what someone did or said or how they are going to just cry themselves to sleep. The next morning when sober those posts are usually deleted. Most people on my Facebook added me and we never speak. They know very little about me. I however know too much about them, their girlfriends, boyfriends, family, jobs, home life. Weekly I feel like deleting it, but instead I torture myself by staying and post yet more news stories on certain topics like a distress call in the dark hoping a person just like me takes a bite. I am looking for them as I am sure they are looking for me. Then again maybe they wised up and just deleted it.

I see roles being played out by people all the time. Many roles are set in authority/servant order. This plays out all over the place....manager, police, doctor, lawyer, judge. There is this whole system of hierarchy that we humans play. It is like a giant beehive we are all in only not many notice the hive. The other roles become sub-roles. Punk rocker, emo, club kid, rebel, woman of God, pure, innocent, partier, whore etc. None of the roles are bad in themselves. The problem is most seem to get lost in the role. They believe it and any challenge to it brings anger. Nothing brings anger more than pointing out something to someone who is so deeply locked in the system and needs the system so much they buy into all of it. Then anything you say they attack like a viper. You to them are the problem. They do not see that they are a slave kept in check by all the other slaves, each locked in this role that they are not even aware of.

I guess the only other negative to this state I am in is that I can feel every freaking heartbeat I have. Slow, fast..whatever, there it is beating in my chest. I can count it while I am sitting, walking or laying down. Thankfully I am learning to tune it out. There is nothing like having that thing thumping in your chest all the time. It is annoying.

One new age person told me that maybe what I am experiencing is enlightenment. I doubt it. To me enlightenment would bring peace and comfort. I don't have that. I am just aware. I still have fears like others. I still get angry. I just don't think enlightenment would carry that burden.

Well this is long enough. I started out talking about brainwashing, but never got around to it. I will write more on that topic later.

Beths life with lung cancer

2010-12-09T04:53:00.000-08:00

Beth is short on money due to her illness, expenses and insurance coverage. If you would like to help get her grandchildren some Christmas gifts this year you can do so by going to her Amazon Wish List. Thank You. http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/registry.html?ie=UTF8&type=wishlist&id=385YN5BHVA1RF

Our System Our Structure Our illusion

2010-12-08T08:39:00.000-08:00

Working with postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome

2010-12-08T02:48:00.000-08:00

Working with a chronic illness

The Police State Continues To Put Up Its Grid

2010-12-06T17:31:00.000-08:00

I know many people don't bother to read books anymore. However, this is an easy read and if you have never read it it is well worth your time and will open your mind to what is happening. 1984 (Signet Classics) (Mass Market Paperback)

Robert Anton Wilson On The Acceleration To 2012

2010-12-05T07:07:00.000-08:00

Chef Boyardee You Like?

2010-12-04T03:36:00.000-08:00

I really dislike going to the supermarket. One of the reasons is because to be honest I am out of breath a lot and feel like crap, so that in itself is a hassle to lug around groceries. However the other reason I dislike going is because I do not shop like most people. So that brings comments either from the people who work there or from people shopping themselves.

I will give some examples:

I got a hand held basket of cucumbers and celery once. My goal was to juice it all before it expired and drink it all over a period of a few days. This of course drew some guy to me who was not even in line. He just wandered over. "You a vegetarian?" with a disappointing tone (yeah because that is the only thing vegetarians eat is tons of cucumbers and celery). Ummm WFT? Go away. That time I actually was in a mood and did not answer him at all. He stood there for 10 seconds looking at me and then walked away when he realized I was not actually going to speak.

I like to blend a lot of fresh fruit. So I had this time purchased a bunch of fruit. The cashier asked me "Wheres the party at?". I said "I just like fruit."

Tonight I went because frankly with the cost of food rising I can not afford to eat the "good stuff" all the time now. So I make due. I had this idea. OK for some reason Chef Boyardee does not make me feel sick, so let me stock up on that while it is still 92 cents a can. Also let me get about 100 cans of low sodium vegetables that I can blend and drink. It takes years for this stuff to expire and if we get an ice storm I don't have to worry about heating frozen vegetables or them spoiling from not being able to keep them cool if the power goes out. Side note: General Mills who makes a lot of canned goods is going to be using liners in the cans starting next year that are BPA free. So yay..for now anyway.

Once in the store tonight I decided that maybe 30 cans would be enough to start with because after all I have to carry all this stuff up to my apartment. So I gathered 30 cans of Chef Boyardee. After seeing it I agreed to myself that yes this was best to break my shopping into several trips.

I get in line..well there was no line....it is 3am after all. I have 30 cans. I lay them on the conveyor belt. The cashier shouts "I need help!!". As if no one has ever purchased 30 items before. Some guy trucks himself over and lets out this giant sigh because he now has to bag 30 items. Then with hand on her hip she says in a loud voice "Yo, shoo like Chef Boyardee..Doncha!". I just said "It is cheaper here." not really answering the question, got my receipt and left.

It reminds me of the days when I was an active alcoholic. I would have to very often take myself to the store at 8am to get a 12 pack of beer for the day. I would get in line and then be asked by the cashier "Isn't it a bit early to buy beer?" That always bothered me because if it is legal to buy it then who the hell cares and also how do you know I am going to go right home and guzzle it down? (which I was going to, but that is besides the point). One time I just said "I am having a bad decade." she said "Oh."

I should buy 100 cans of beets and just stand in line looking wild eyed and soon as she starts to ring me out say in a half crazed voice "When is your next shipment coming in??!!"

Drugs linked to brain damage 30 years ago

2010-12-01T18:50:00.000-08:00

Drugs linked to brain damage 30 years ago

MPs and campaigners predict class action after failures to mount full-scale research into warnings left millions of patients at risk

By Nina Lakhani

Sunday, 7 November 2010

Secret documents reveal that government-funded experts were warned nearly 30 years ago that tranquillisers that were later prescribed to millions of people could cause brain damage.

The Medical Research Council (MRC) agreed in 1982 that there should be large-scale studies to examine the long-term impact of benzodiazepines after research by a leading psychiatrist showed brain shrinkage in some patients similar to the effects of long-term alcohol abuse.

However, no such work was ever carried out into the effects of drugs such as Valium, Mogadon and Librium – and doctors went on prescribing them to patients for anxiety, stress, insomnia and muscle spasms.

For the rest of the article please visit The Independent by clicking this link. http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/drugs-linked-to-brain-damage-30-years-ago-2127504.html

Brain Damage from Benzodiazepines

2010-12-01T07:10:00.000-08:00

Brain Damage from Benzodiazepines

Brain Damage from Benzodiazepines: The Troubling Facts, Risks, and History of Minor Tranquilizers
Psychiatrists have long known that benzodiazepines can cause brain damage
Published on November 18, 2010

Last week, Britain's Independent newspaper published a bombshell for psychiatry and medicine: the country's Medical Research Council had sat on warnings 30 years earlier that benzodiazepines such as Valium and Xanax can cause brain damage. As 11.5 million prescriptions for these drugs were issued in 2008 in Britain alone, I focused on the consequences of the cover-up for the millions affected.

Given the feedback I received from numerous patients in Britain and the States attesting to their profound difficulties in quitting such medication, as well as their impairment from the drugs many years later, I want to retrace the drugs' controversial history, to help explain why the suppression of evidence about their side effects is deservedly national news in Britain, and why it should be here in the States, too.

Concern about the adverse effects of this group of drugs dates to the 1970s, when vast numbers of people began taking them for stress and anxiety. Once the most popular minor tranquilizers in Britain, the U.S., and much of Europe, benzodiazepines ("benzos" for short) include such household names as Valium, Xanax, Librium, Ativan, and Klonopin.

Between 2002 and 2007, the number of U.S. prescriptions for them grew from 69 million to 83 million. Their popularity trailed off in the 1980s and 1990s, when Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil and other SSRI antidepressants outsold them as "blockbuster" drugs—so-named because their annual revenues surpassed $1 billion. But benzos actually made a comeback earlier this decade, due in part to the highly successful marketing of Xanax for more than just Panic Disorder.

For the rest of the 2 page article please click the link to Psychology Today http://www.psychologytoday.com/node/50664

FBI creating police state: Paul Craig Roberts

2010-12-01T04:56:00.000-08:00

Interesting Video

2010-11-26T17:05:00.000-08:00

Interesting video someone had posted on facebook. I love stuff like this, so I figured I would share.

A line in the sand

2010-11-24T16:13:00.000-08:00

I posted the following on my facebook page this morning:

"I am no longer going to apologize for who I am or what I believe. I am not going to water myself down or find some middle ground that I do not agree with to appease people. I don't have to explain myself. If you have a problem with my beliefs or feel the need to debate me, do me and you a giant favor and delete me or I will eventually be deleting you. I am not here to agree with you or be debated."

When I see someone post something I don't agree with I do not feel the need to jump right over to their page and attack it, email them complaining, belittling their post, talk down to them, treat them child like or like they are "silly", try to demean them or demand an explanation as to why they believe it. I just ignore it.... whats it to me what they post? So, if I can do that I expect the same respect. I rather not wake up in the morning having to delete comments, worry if I post something I will have to face some backlash or feel the need to answer emails. Not only does that go for facebook, but for comments here as well. You just will not be approved. I am thinking my future Youtube videos will not even allow commenting.

This has been going on since I spoke up about what Xanax did to my body and life. It reached a tipping point when I started posting anti-TSA posts and my objection to the body scanners and aggressive pat downs where the TSA is putting their hands down peoples pants.

The statement "If you don't like it don't fly!!" is their mantra and other such repeating of things that comes out of the TV mostly. The snarky comments. The attitude that people should just submit and the need to be "safe". Yet, none of those people can tell you how the scanners work, what security theater is, what the 4th Amendment is. Soon the mantra will be "If you don't like it don't take the train, bus, go to the store, go to the concert etc."

Growing up hearing about the NAZI's I often wondered why people didn't say "No" or "This is not acceptable treatment". Later it was well understood by me the camps did not go up overnight. After all the Jewish people (as one friend pointed out to me) only had to wear the yellow star of David at first. So what is their problem? Why protest? After all just wear your stupid star...what is the big deal?

This kind of thing is slowly put in place. After all the United States already did warrantless domestic wiretaps and has secret jails, secret courts and waterboards people...but, hey, it didn't affect anyone you knew right? So it continued. The TSA body scanners are out in the open, so more wake up and say "Hey, no way." granted a smaller amount than the people who like sheep just go along with it saying nothing, trusting, asking nothing, submitting. To them for safety they will fall to the ground for the state. "Anything you want. I just want to be safe!!". Mean while no rational thinking is taking place.

1) The body scanners can not see inside your rectum or vagina. So you can still stuff stuff up there.

2) Plastic explosives were already detectable by having people walk through the chemical detection machine that puffed you with air.

3) Guns and knifes etc. could already be found with the metal detection system.

4) The TSA according to their own studies can barely catch half of the stuff that goes through by their own admission. To date the TSA has never stopped a terrorist.

5) While the radiation level is a small dose the radiation is not dispersed like a normal xray and is focused on the surface of the skin. Several doctors have said by the sheer number of people passing through it raises the risk of skin cancer, also don't forget business men have to travel and can end up passing through the machines several times. Radiation effects are cumulative. There are no studies on this type of focused radiation.

6) Unlike hospital equipment to date these machines are not checked to ensure that the radiation levels remain a constant and are not higher than stated.

7) Up till recently pilots had to pass through the machines. The very people who can just fly the plane into the ground. Why? Because this is not about keeping you safe. This is about training you to submit. To be a good little slave.

That is just some of many things to think about.

However, the population must submit!! How will that be done if too many people get loud? What if too many people say "No."?

1) An airport without a body scanner will have a "terrorist" board a plane and some event will happen. This will scare the masses and people will say "Yes, yes scan us." Most of the things mainstream media shows you and the things you are scared of are nothing, but PsyOp operations. Don't believe me? Well look into it. The flashy headline hits. Fear comes and then weeks, months later a small article about how it never happened or happened a lot differently than was reported is published. Lets take the underwear bomber. The reason we must all be scanned and submit to be "safe". 1) This event did not take place in our country. 2) The man had no passport and 3) He was escorted on the plane by officials reported by multiple passengers. What you heard was "Man boards plane with underwear bomb and we need to tighten security." Why was he escorted on to that plane? More important who escorted him on? Why was he allowed on without a passport?

2) A body scanner will catch a "terrorist" and then they will be quickly rolled out to all airports. All descent will be shouted down by the masses so they can remain "safe".

Problem...Reaction...Solution.

So back to the NAZIs and the people who did and said nothing. That is what in part prompted me to make my facebook statement. At some point in your life you will have to draw a line in the sand and stand for your convictions and what you know is right. In my mind the people who make fun of the people in this country standing up to say "No. This is not acceptable." "No you will not herd me around I am an American." Are no better than the NAZIs. Would I sit around debating NAZI sympathizers? Would I debate or listen to or put up with a NAZI? No. So why should I now?

No one has ever forced you to read what I write and no one forces you to believe me. You all have free will. I am like the radio. Don't like the song change the channel, but do not expect me to listen to your same boring song over and over. I will not justify myself because I would never justify myself to the NAZIs.

Also don't be surprised next will come the biometric scanning, iris scans, RFID implantable chips. I will also not allow that for myself. I will not as an American accept these measures in a free society. Forget even being American. I will not impose these measures upon myself as a human being.

For those of you who think maybe I have a point, maybe you agree, maybe you aren't sure? Surely it won't spread too far from the airports? I have a video for you.

Remember you are the terrorist.

"He who would trade liberty for some temporary security, deserves neither liberty nor security." Benjamin Franklin